Better Days Ahead

I’m out of my funk. I’m feeling better these days. I think it was just one of those things, where life happens and you don’t know what to expect and you don’t know how to express yourself in a way that doesn’t cause pity. I’m not really one to wallow in the mire. But I hit a bump in the road and my journey was somewhat thrown off course. But I’m back for the most part.

I don’t want to vent any of those hurdles here. After all there are two sides to every story and it would be unfair to just air my side. But I’m handling things the way I think they should be handled. And with advice and support from some very good friends, I think I’ve handled it well.

I hope everyone had a great Halloween. I didn’t dress up. It’s not my thing. It did disappoint some of my friends who had various different costume ideas for me. I just never liked doing the dress up thing. However, my buddy Brian told one of the children I was handing out candy to that I was dressed like Grandpa Fuddy Duddy (I was wearing a blazer). So maybe that is what my costume was, Grandpa Fuddy Duddy—by the way, I still have a good 30 years before I’m eligible for the senior citizen discount. But the point was taken and I promised Brian that next year, I would find a costume.

Wrong Pick

My co-workers had been telling me that they want to set me up. None of them know I’m gay (I haven’t told them and if they suspect anything, they haven’t said anything). Curious to see who they wanted to set me up with, I asked. It turns out they want to set me up with a new female physician that just started working in the hospital. They said the two of us would be perfect together. We had the same sense of humor and I was told we would make “beautiful babies”. Why do women always go from dating to marriage (zero to sixty in less than 30 secs)?

I laughed and didn’t ask about it again. A few days later, we ran into her in the cafeteria. And so we were introduced. She is beautiful! She works out by jogging and swimming (so her body is perfect). She has an amazing smile (perfect straight white teeth). She looked me straight in the eye during all our conversations and even touched my arm a few times while we talked. She has a great voice too, soft with just a hint of southern in it. And she made me laugh. The only thing that was wrong is…she isn’t a man.

If I were straight, I would have fallen in love in less than thirty seconds (zero to sixty in about fifteen).

Achy, Sniffly, Coughy

I came down with an illness. I don’t think it’s the swine flu. I think it’s just an over-rated cold. I have the sniffles, but no snot. And I have a pretty harsh cough.My body is also achy.

I’m sure it’s all part of the change in weather. I get this way when the temperatures change.

I’ll get better. My roomies have been pumping orange juice into my system. And I think over the last few days I have eaten more soup than I have within this last year (thank you Brian).

I hope everyone’s health is good!! Not good, but great!!

Exhausted

Have you ever felt exhausted by everything that you have to deal with or think about? All of it seems to come at you all at once, like a speeding tennis ball and you can’t seem to position yourself aptly to hit the ball back?

I’m feeling like that now. Everything happening all at once. I know that I’ll eventually get the chance to swing at that ball and get it back over the net. But for right now, it’s coming too quickly.

I’m exhausted…

Nothing Makes Sense

Have you ever tried to follow someone’s logic but couldn’t? Have you met a person that you have looked up to all your life, but then suddenly disappoints you with an argument that has no sensible logic?

A church leader I grew up with recently stated during a dinner get together that gays should be welcome in church, but they should not be able to be the leaders of church. His only argument for this basis was he felt they would not make good leader material. No other arguments were given to back his statement up, just that he “felt” they shouldn’t.

I was crestfallen. This is a man who during my childhood always encouraged us to be what we wanted to be. He told us that we could be anything our dreams allowed us to be. He said we should never be afraid to spread our wings because we could and we should fly.

And just a few days ago, he says something so ignorant. I’m not even sure who brought the topic up. But my ears perked up when I heard the word gay mentioned during the dinner banter. I’m still trying to come to terms with this leader’s train of thought.

Sleepless

Just had one of those sleepless nights. I am  pretty sure what made it sleepless. Still  I hate waking up every couples minutes. It makes for a tiring morning. I don’t like being cranky. It’s just not part of my personality and thank goodness that I can control the moodiness (for the most part).

A couple years ago, I use to wonder about the things that caused insomnia. In school I learned that chemical imbalances or mental anguish can cause it. I use to be able to just fall asleep. In fact a good dose of some of the medical books I had to read could knock me out (sometimes because I would hit myself over the head with them, but other times because of topic matter).

Maybe sleep will catch up with me tonight.

It’s Not Alright

At the gym yesterday, my buddy Brian recognized someone that he knew. He instantly went into flamboyant mode, mimicking this person. I’m not sure if the other person was aware of it, but Brian was making fun of him. It seemed to me that the humor was done in a very degrading manner.

When the other guy walked away, I asked Brian what he was doing. His explanation and the way he justified acting the way he did was “we’re allowed to make fun of one another”. I told him that this other guy didn’t seem aware of the fact that Brian was indeed acting and that swaying his hips and and using the words “honey”, “babe” and “fabulous” as danglers for each sentence wasn’t part of his every day conversation. Brian blew me off by saying “oh relax, even if he didn’t know, he’s still one of us. It doesn’t matter, we’re allowed to poke fun at ourselves”.

Are we really allowed to poke fun at the stereo-types that we are trying to shake off? And even if some people do fit that stereo-type, is it alright to throw it in their face? Excuse me if I’m wrong, but is it alright to imitate the accents and actions of others while they stand and converse with us? I’ve only met  this guy twice at best and I’m certain Brian doesn’t even know his last name. I also wonder if he does know that Brian is poking fun at him and is just too polite to say anything (which then makes him the bigger person).

And alas, I also wonder if I’ve just got this stick up my rear that needs to be removed.

Hope Everyone Had Good Weekend

I hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine was spent between friends and family. It was exhausting, but I got through it all. I miss my family (parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles) when I’m not around them, but get everyone together and it can be emotionally exhausting. I think with everyone talking all at once, trying to get their life story in, it just gets tiring trying to keep up.

With everything that is going on in my life right now, I just kept quiet. I think it’s better to keep quiet. More than not, most people are too involved with expressing their own life happiness to notice that others have their own situations to get through. Which is alright for me, why throw more drama into the pot right? My favorite cousin Dennis was here for the weekend, and he’s always interested in what is going on with me. He took Andrew and I out for dinner and some drinks (they drank, I drove). Things seem to be going well with him. He’s working on several movie scripts (editing them and making his suggestions, what would work on screen and how the audience would perceive certain conversations). He’s busy and I’m so glad he took some time to come and visit. I’ve missed him. He’s the only family member that knows I’m gay (or that I’ve vocally expressed my homosexuality to).

Although I’m going to miss everyone being in the same room until Thanksgiving, I’m glad I’m going to get some sleep.

New Starts

I am currently visiting a buddy of mine who is making a new start for himself. His wife has recently divorced him and given him custody of their two young sons. Their last communication wasn’t even verbal. It was in the form of the divorce papers through her lawyer. According to common friends, she has started her life over and is DATING!!

I think that over all he is doing well. His sons also seem to have adjusted to the absence of their mother (whom they haven’t seen since she left). I think that my buddy is doing well in helping them to adjust to their new life. He also has them going to therapy so that they can express their emotions to a psychologist. Although he has told them they can talk to him about anything, he feels that maybe someone who is better adept at these types of situations would be able to guide them through their confusion and anger.

One of the things that Chris has stated is  when you are surrounded by loved ones (siblings, family and friends) some of the mountains become mole hills, and rather than having to climb them, we help each other stomp them out.

What Do You Hope For?

This afternoon while having lunch with one of my high school classmates, his co-worker mentioned that  he wasn’t a believer in anything. He didn’t believe in an afterlife (he said his motto is live for the moment because after this, it’s all gone). He said he stopped praying because we end up making our own paths, the choices we make will ultimately land us the dream job, the happiness we seek, or the rewards we want to reap.

I didn’t know how to argue with his logic. While it sounds good and for lack of a better word, logical, it still left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Being devoutly Christian, I still believe in God, my Lord and Savior. I still pray and these prayers have been answered or are in the process of becoming reality.

I’m not a shove religion down a wind pipe type person. So I just listened to his take on the subject. I didn’t have any input except when he asked if I believed in anything, I told him I was a practicing Catholic. He had no reply. My high school classmate, also didn’t have anything to add to the conversation. Eventually the topic changed to politics.

I wonder, when in despair or utter happiness, what goes through his mind?