A Meme

I got this meme from Ur-Spo.

What did you want to be when you ‘grew up?’

A doctor, a journalist, a talk show host, and then a doctor again.

What are you now?

A graduate of medical school, trying to get into a residency program.

What fictional character did you identify with as a child?

Max of Where the Wild Things Are

How about now? 

Max of Where the Wild Things Are

What is your ‘Gay Pride’ Song?

Trapped in the Closet

What is your drag song (we ALL have one)?

Irreplaceable

Earliest memory?

My father letting me pick the color of a car he bought when I was about two.

Memory you’d like to forget?

The argument I had with one of my best friends (Mark) about a year ago.

If you ran for a seat in political office, what would be your platform(s)?

I don’t think I would have the charm to get people to vote for me.

Winehouse. Want her to succeed or are you over her?

I wish all people well. I would like her to succeed in getting her life on-track.

The first person you thought you loved?

My first best friend from pre-school.

The first person you actually loved.

I don’t think I’ve been in love. Well actually in love…

The person you love now?

 

I have never been in love. 

 

If you could be, do, have, own, or possess anything you wanted, what would it be?

Although I really don’t think I should, I would like to be able to go back and undo some of the things I’ve done in the past.

Even if you are in love with someone right now, who are you/could be crushing on right now?

Very weird mood right now. Can’t think of anyone I have a crush on…well except a person I am getting to know–Andrew.

 

And my own bonus add-on question;

What way your first gay bar experience?

I was brought to one by an old friend (from college) when he was coming out. Since I was really in the closet, I didn’t dare look around and really experience it. All I could remember about the place was that the bar was wall to wall male.

Hitting a Wall

I don’t feel like I have anything to write about and that saddens me. Have I hit a wall in my journey of discovering myself? Or am I just bored with my current disposition and see no need to drag other people down in my boredom?

I have told more people that I’m gay. It is still foreign for me to say it aloud. But I do know that when I’m around these people that know, I’m more relaxed and less guarded. And I don’t feel the need to over-explain or under-explain anything. For the most part, conversation has gone on as usual.

I still want to share my life with you, but I don’t feel like there is anything exciting to share. No new discoveries or feelings. And I do want to keep in contact with you guys, to let you know that I’m alright.

Is this what they call writer’s block?

The Question Priveledge

One of my roommates who I came out to recently asked me if he could ask me questions about homosexuality. I told him he could ask anything he wanted, but I also said I didn’t know if I had the right answers. He didn’t ask any that night, but somehow knowing that he could ask questions seemed to place his mind at ease.

This was a roommate that I thought was the most uncomfortable when I told him I was gay. I hadn’t planned on coming out to my roommates. I wasn’t sure how either would take the news. But when Andrew had called saying he found a ticket to fly up and see me, I felt like I had no choice but to explain. Or maybe I was tired and just didn’t want to keep that closet door closed anymore. My roommate looked like he just got sucker punched and then quietly said “that’s kinda cool”. But the whole weekend Andrew was here, he didn’t come home and stayed at his girlfriend’s apartment. They usually do their shacking in our apartment, she even has clothes in his drawers.

He hasn’t asked any questions, yet, but has taken me out for a health shake (his treat) and invited me to hang out with some of his buddies. He told me he didn’t tell them anything and that was up to me. Wow, he understood the “I’m in the closet for the most part” of my confession. And now our relationship is back to the way it was in medical school.

I think knowing that he could ask, could question, could research made it easier for him to comprehend that it is something different for me and for him. As I take my own journey, I have found that talking about it with people isn’t as difficult as I once thought.

Refreshed

I woke up a little groggy and because I felt my world turn a little bit, like someone was rocking my cradle. I could hear the end of the captain’s speech “temperature in Tampa now is…..we hope you enjoyed traveling with us….please place your trays in the upright position….we will land in Tampa momentarily…”. My heart started to pound with excitement and I looked down on the well lit airport and I could already feel my breathing less labored and my spirit more light.

Earlier this week, Andrew sent me the link to the Xanadu video. He sent it as a sort of joke, saying that one of his covers as a teenager was pretending to be in love with Olivia, while secretly loving that song.  Now this song is stuck in my head and I can’t get it out. As I looked down on the lights that littered Tampa, this song played in my mind.

Andrew, Ben, Josh and Mike were waiting for me and before I could help myself I ran to them like a child at an amusement park and threw myself into their arms, even giving Andrew a kiss on the cheek. I felt like it had been forever since I had seen any of them. Mike introduced me to this guy Justin that he started dating since I’ve been gone. Justin shyly whispered “you are the last hump I have to jump over before Mike can officially start liking me”. I laughed, “you came here, that officially ends your jumping and consider yourself liked”. It was so nice of him to come and say hello.

I can’t believe the kind of energy a few friends can give. Screw those energy drinks, I just need to be around these guys.

 

Still The Same

I know that it has been a long time since I have written, however I still feel the same. My homesickness has not diminished. It still lingers like the smell of good/horrific cologne long after the person is gone.

I don’t know what it is about this place, but I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I guess it’s because I have yet to make friends outside of work and outside my roommates. I know I didn’t have an uber exciting life before, but something is different.

Andrew has come up two weekends in a row and is coming back again this weekend. It helps to make the week days more bearable.

Since we don’t have internet access in our apartment, it makes reading everyone’s blog difficult. Maybe that also adds to the homesickness, not reading your thoughts and tribulations on a daily basis. I miss my blog world comrades.

I’ll write again soon. Sorry to have been out of touch.

Homesick

I have never been homesick. I have always adjusted pretty well to anywhere I’ve gone. My first year of college, I missed my family and I missed high school. But there wasn’t any sort of aching. When I got to medical school–the same thing, I missed my old schedule and of course friends and family. But I managed with email, letters and phone calls.

Today as I sit in this cafe, I feel some homesick that I can hardly keep my lunch down. I go to sleep with a feeling of “I don’t want to be here…”. I know that this is just a temporary step in the direction of achieving my goals. It’s something to do while I am waiting to get into a medical residency, so I know it isn’t forever. But right now, I just want to be around a familiar place and speak to familiar people (even if it’s the cashier at my old grocery store).

 

My First Kiss

My last post was about what would happen when I had to say goodbye. I don’t know if we really said goodbye since we continue to talk on the phone and I get about 10 emails from Andrew on a daily basis and countless texts reminding me that someone in thinking about me.

A couple nights before I finished packing to make my move north, Andrew asked if I would like his company while driving to my new destination. I excitedly told him yes and he made the necessary arrangements with work to take a few days off. Two nights before our actual departure, I thought that to ask him to take off from work might be too much. I started to tell him my concerns and before I could utter the words “maybe this would be too much to ask”, he just kissed me. I felt a sudden weakness in the knees and somewhat breatheless. I felt clumsy, as I didn’t know how to kiss back. When he finished, he said “if you have anymore concerns, I will be happy to answer any or all of them”.

Thoughts swarmed my head: he must think me clumsy, what did my breath smell like, were my lips chapped, did he feel chemistry, did he like it too? My answer came when he pulled me closer and said “I’m going to do that again before the end of the night”.

My heart still surges into a fast pace whenever I think about it.

What Does Goodbye Mean

I finally met someone. Our meeting wasn’t accidental, it was a blind date. My friend Josh set me up with his neighbor. Josh and I have been hanging out together for about two months now. I’ve been going out with him, his boyfriend Ben and my friend Mike (who until a few months ago was completely closeted). We became this unseparable foursome, going to get coffee together on a daily basis and on the weekends going to bars to hang out.

Two weeks ago, Josh told me that he was chatting with his newly single neighbor Andrew. He asked if I would mind being set up and I told him no. If Josh knew this person and would trust him to be a good set-up for me, then why not?

Andrew and I hit it off right away. I was constantly laughing and smiling around him. I couldn’t help myself. His own laugh and smile were contagious. When he asked me out for dinner, Josh must have prepped him because before I could answer, he said “you know no one knows where they will be tomorrow…but you’ve laid the foundation for your career so play a little”. Josh must have told him that I’ve often hidden behind my studies and medical school as an excuse not to live my extra-curricular life.

After our first official date, just the two of us, in a waterfront restaurant he asked me if he could call me “tomorrow”. I told him yes. That night a little after midnight my cell phone rang. When I answered it he said “it’s tomorrow”. Since that phone call I’ve worn out my smile. I don’t think I’ve laughed or smiled this much in a long time.

Since that phone call, we have eaten dinner together every night. We’ve had coffee and dessert in sidewalk cafes. I’ve spent nights under the stars on walks and on balconies talking about everything. I’ve told Andrew things I’ve never told anyone before–about my fears, my hopes and dreams. It’s been a whirlwind of two weeks. I understand how people can fall in love so quickly (although I’m not quite at the love stage just yet).

And now, I find out that I need to go north to push my career along. These plans have been months in the making. The seed that I planted has begun to sprout. If I let my heart make a decision, it would be to stay here and see where this relationship is going to go. However, my mind trumps my heart everytime and I know that I’ve got to go.

I’m scared of good-bye’s definition.

Getting Into A Groove

I am not sure if I had written about this before. Recently (about two months) I have become good friends with a bunch of guys. I met one of the guys Mike through a gay friend  I met at the gym. Mike, like me, is also closeted. We instantly bonded after meeting.

Both of us were on this journey of acceptance and also finding ourselves. We spent lots of nights talking about how we’ve dealt with out feelings, our ups and downs. It has been really good to be able to hear that I’m not alone on this emotional rollercoaster. I’m not really sure what I would have done without him these past few weeks. 

About a month ago, Mike suggested we go to this gay bar and we did. It was a bit overwhelming at first–from some guy smacking my butt as I tried to make my way to the bathroom to trying to differentiate being flirted with or just some guys striking up friendly conversation. I’m really thankful I had Mike there with me.

And from this bar visit, Mike and I got to meet Ben and Josh. I have become really good friends with these guys. We meet several times a week, just for coffee, appetizers or dinner. I’m so lucky to have found them and to have them on this journey into finding my groove.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

A few days ago I got an e-card from one awesome blogger!! This card made me laugh till I peed in my pants. And I really needed the laughter. It is the perfect cure.

One of my friends called me soon after I got the card. She told that she also didn’t match into a program. Together we discussed our options and by brainstorming I found some solutions. One, I am not going to give up on all the hard work I’ve done in the last few years. I’m going to try again, but I’m going to expand my applications to include other specialties. My friend reminded me that when I first started medical school I loved psychiatry and pediatrics. She suggested looking for a program that combined the two. She also reminded me that one of my highest scores for exams came in obstetrics and said she remembered that I did very well during that rotation.

Most of all she reminded me that I need to remember that the hard part is over, that I’ve graduated. She reminded me that I passed all of the USMLE exams (and that not many people can boast that triumph). And she reminded me that “poor little me” was not the only one left behind when other programs filled (she also was still licking her wounds)…and that sooner or later I’ll be bitching that a program is working me too hard.

Thank you all for bearing with me these past couple weeks. I have appreciated the comments and being able to chat it out with many of my friends. Have a good weekend and once again a HUGE thank you.

P.S. At the very end of our conversation my friend broke out in song singing “Morning After” from the Poseidon Adventure…a movie we watched cause we were up at like 3 a.m. one night. She remembered that as a really good time in our road of friendship. This pushed my laughter way over the edge.