It’s About Forgiveness

I know that sometimes forgiving is hard to do. But my parents have always taught me that forgiving someone and saying sorry are two fundamentals in surviving relationships, whether they be friends, family or others. And I’ve learned this golden rule.
I have found out that holding on to grudges can be detrimental, both mentally and physically. It can just wipe a person out. I think that keeping anger inside also wreaks havoc on a person’s personality.

One of my good friends is going through some major drama in his life. He asked me what he should do. I told him that one thing he needs to do is to let go of the anger. And then I told him to forgive her.

A few weeks ago he told me that he said to himself, I forgive her.  He then sent her a message saying all was forgiven and that he wished her nothing but the best. He told me that all at once the burden was lifted and that he suddenly felt better. I’m so glad that I gave him that advice, cause now he can begin to heal.

It’s Not Unusual

Last night I was watching a popular television show and they introduced a gay character, or at least showed a character’s hidden closeted side. It didn’t occur to me as out of place until my buddy Adam had said “do you notice that there are more gay characters on television now”?

We got into a discussion about how television shows and movies have become more realistic now that the straighties have let the gays into the story lines. The fact that our existence outside of the typical stereo-type was acknowledged had intrigued us both.

I’m thinking back to ten or fifteen years ago, when it was unheard of to have gay characters or story-lines interwoven with the lives of the straighties. I think about how a young gay person might perceive this, how they could interpret their own feelings as “abnormal”, part of the skewed numbers that exist outside the curve. We’ve come a long way. Now if we could just have the happy ending that most stories are built upon.

I’m getting to where I’m suppose to be with my feelings, my acceptance of myself, and with the inner turmoil which was mostly brought upon myself by my own self-esteem issues. Seeing something like this on television helps. We aren’t those numbers that exist outside the curve. We are part of that curve, a huge part of it.

Close That Door

Like the curious person that I am, I always read certain celebrity gossip sites. This week, I was reading one in which an article actually angered me. The article was about someone in Hollywood encouraging actors or other entertainment figures to stay in the closet.

These people are so influential. They should be encouraging folks to be themselves. After all, isn’t the art of entertainment about expression? It’s about being different from others. If they weren’t so different, so innovative, they wouldn’t be entertaining.

The article went on to say something about it’s better for lay persons (teachers, lawyers, other professions) to come out. I feel that it would be better for everyone if this whole sexuality/gender issue wasn’t such an issue. The whole idea that sexuality defines anyone shouldn’t be up for debate. We can’t characterize someone based on genetics.

I know that it’s such a struggle. And I’m not saying that it is easy. It’s all circumstantial. It all depends on the person. I have surely taken my time and I’m not completely out of the closet. So I’m not one to toot my horn. But to encourage someone to take a step backward or to not take any steps at all isn’t healthy.

Wouldn’t it be better if we could all just come out?

Broken Gaydar

I have written about it before. I don’t have good gaydar. In fact, unless someone is admittedly out, or else just on fire flaming, I can’t tell if they are gay or straight. In some ways, I think this may be a good thing. It tells me that we blend in with the rest of the crowd (or at least to me, we do). It tells me that I don’t see stereo-types.

The other day at work, I ran into a male nurse in the cafeteria. He was always pleasant to me whenever we ran into each other. And no, I didn’t think he was gay because he was a male nurse. There was something about him that I thought flagged gay. I’m not sure what it was, something inside me bleeped “he’s gay”.

Anyway, he asked if I was eating with anyone. I normally eat on the roof with one of my co-workers, but she had called off sick. I told him no and he sat down. As we got to know each other, I even thought he was being a bit flirty. But again I think I was wrong.

As we were saying good-bye he said something like “one more night in this heck hole and I go on vacation with my wife and daughter”.

So there it is…I can never pick them.

A Book And It’s Cover

I’ve always heard the cliche, “never judge a book by it’s cover“, but never really gave it much thought.  When I was younger, it was the reason I browsed bookshelves reading back covers for content rather than looking at the art on the front.

Contrary to the content of  most “reality” shows (we all have figured out that many are scripted), I love them. In fact I think most of television shows I watch are “reality”. A few years back when I first started watching them, I had thought these camera men followed these pseudo celebs around 24-7, the reason they were able to catch them in these cat-fight moments, or in casual “real me” conversations. And although their cover has been blown, I still enjoy them immensely

One of my favorite types of reality shows are the talent ones. Last week I was watching one of those entertaining talent shows. Various people tried out for a chance to go to Vegas for the final try-out, the grand prize being monetary and a chance for their own Vegas show. One of the last contestants they showed for the night was a man, who was dressed a little hokey and sounded like he was going to make the extremely critical audience boo and hiss.

This man pulled out his guitar, opened his mouth and within seconds had my jaw drop into my hands, and the audience was silenced. He has a beautiful voice. One of the judges commented that with the song, he told a story. He did just that, the song and the way it was sung, was just like a bed time story. I was moved almost to tears when this man was told his dream of becoming a singer was within reach, the expression on his face was priceless.

I have thought about the many times I almost passed up an opportunity, a friendship, a moment in time because it just didn’t feel right, look right or have that quality I thought it should have. I am thankful for not having judged certain books by their covers.

Synchronized

Andrew and I have been carrying on a long distance relationship for over a year. We talk a lot (I’m so grateful for mobile to mobile free minutes and texts). He sends me hundreds of texts a day because our schedules are so different. I love the break I get to take when I hear that musical alert.

One activity that we also do is watch DVDs together even though we are hundreds of miles away (and I’m grateful for blue tooth technology which allows me to watch a movie and talk to him at the same time). He and I buy the DVDs, mail each other a copy and pick a day when we can sit on the phone and watch them together. The only thing that irks me, but makes Andrew laugh because I get so annoyed, is the fact that while we watch these movies one track is always ahead of the other. Even if I count to three and say press play now, they never seem to start and finish at the same time.

I have realized over this wonderful year that this is one of those relationship snags. We have different schedules and that’s alright. But when we do come together, it is synchronized. He came to visit this weekend. As we fell asleep and he held me, I felt his breathing against my back (the rise and fall of each breath). Before long I noticed that my own breathing started to mimic his and then I lost myself in his arms.

The Worse That Can Happen

I was talking to my friend recently about the worse things that can happen when  you step out of the closet.  He recently stepped onto his own journey of self discovery. During our conversation, he asked me “what’s the worse thing that can happen”.

And for his question, I had no answers. I told him that I really didn’t know. Like him, I am still on my own journey. I feel like I’ve only got one foot out the door and haven’t fully revealed my true self to everyone.  Of course I talked about some of the silences that often follow gay jokes that my friends tell (their discomfort about telling those jokes which they once laughed loudly about–but I told him that I didn’t see it as tense moments of conversations, but a victory because they could no longer put stereo-types on anyone’s lifestyle).  But I told him I didn’t know the full impact of being completely out.

I really don’t know what it’s like to be completely open with everyone. I don’t even know how to be open with myself. Let’s face it, if I were that comfortable with myself, then I wouldn’t mind telling everyone that I am a gay man just trying to balance my life the way everyone else does.

I gave him the best advice that I could. The same advice that many blog writers/readers/commenters have given me. I told him he has to do it on his own time, in a way that makes life comfortable for him.

The one thing I hope he got out of this conversation is the fact that he has me as a friend, someone who’ll try to steer him in the right direction. And I hope that he finds that in the end, it isn’t about who you love, but that you are able to love.

I Am What I Am and That Is A Prude

My buddy Brian and I went to the gym a few days ago. Summer is coming, in fact summer is here (as of today) and both of us want to get into shape. He’s already in shape, but since his break-up he has been more critical of his body. Personally I don’t think he has left himself go, but try telling that to someone who will be going to one of the Pride celebrations soon.

While I was on the treadmill, this guy started stretching in front of me (and I know this sounds like the prelude to some gosh awful flick). At one point he arched his back against the wall and put his hands above his head and stayed stretched like that for about five minutes. And then he looked me right in the eye and smiled. This whole act had the opposite effect. Rather than turning me on, I was disgusted. He kept smiling and trying to engage me in flirtatious body language banter. I tried to ignore him, but of course (yes he had a great body) I couldn’t turn away.

So to get him to quit bothering me, I mouthed “pit stain” and pointed to my armpit. He mouthed back “what”? And I gestured again. He again looked at me quizically and said “what”? So I gestured again. This time with a cheshire smile he mouthed come here and tell me. I shook my head and said aloud “dude you’ve got a huge pit stain”. He looked away embarassed and stalked off.

Brian who had watched the whole interaction said to me later that this was not the way to flirt, that I had to be nicer.

You Can’t Evict Someone Out of the Closet

This weekend my relatives got together to enjoy some relaxation and fun in the sun.

One conversation really bothered me. One of my cousins got hitched a couple months ago and we were looking at pictures and reminiscing about the event.

Out of the blue my cousin said “yea that groomsmen is gay…he told me…although he doesn’t want anyone to know…he’s still in the closet and wants to keep it that way…he’s only told me and several other people”. Why do straighties take it upon themselves to out people?

When I asked her why she said anything, my philosophical brother replied “if he really didn’t want anyone to know, he wouldn’t have told anyone in the first place”. What kind of argument is that? What don’t people understand about taking this first step?

And why do they think it’s so simple to just step out, to make that announcement. And why the heck did she disrespect his feelings, his privacy this way. Yeah, I do remember that he was quite smashed that night, and why he chose to speak to my cousin about this, I don’t understand. I do know that sometimes it’s easier to speak to a stranger.

Later on that night, he also spoke to me. He was out by the pool and having a waiter bring him shots. I thought it was weird that a waiter was bringing trays of shots out of the reception area and followed. The guy  talked about how weddings were not his “thing”…and then he just said “I’m a closeted gay and weddings just remind me about something I will never have”.

When we hugged good-bye, he said something that still tugs at my heart today. He whispered, “I’m so tired and I’m not even physically tired yet”.

On a good note, I called him tonight. He had given me his number and asked me to call him. I hadn’t thought about him till this weekend. It was a great conversation and he’ll be driving up to visit in two weeks to meet with some of the friends that I told him I made along the way. I’m going to stash him away at my friend Adam’s house. I’m still trying to get Andrew to fly up that weekend.

He told me he’s still in the closet, but it will be okay to meet other people who can help him open a window!

Why Costumes?

This week my friends (Brian and Adam) and I ate at a sushi bar. Brian kept making comments about how the waiters in the silk robes were turning him on. Whenever our waiter set plates or drinks down on our table, Brian kept trying to look down his robe. I am grateful that the waiter found Brian amusing.

What it is about uniforms, role-playing and make believe that creates fantasy? For me, the biggest  turn on is the conversation, the way a guy smiles, laughs or a certain facial expression. One of the things about Andrew that really gets my heart racing is his smile. He has the world’s most fantastic smile. I’m not just saying this because he’s my boyfriend, I have really never seen a smile quite like his.

Brian then proceeded to tell us (and frankly I believe that most of it was too much information, however the sake got hold of his sensibility) how his ex had loved when he would wear different costumes (mostly uniforms). I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the personas that Brian had taken on. He told us that his ex’s favorite was the football or baseball players. Although Brian dressed up, his ex never wanted to, he just wanted to be himself. Brian said that no amount of pleading could get his ex to consider wearing anything but silk boxers in the bedroom.

I believe that the biggest turn on occurs when someone is themselves. No pretenses, no pretending, just uncensored raw personality. My fantasy lies in the reality. And it’s probably one of the reason that I consider myself a pretty boring, easily entertained person.