Still Around

I am still around. However, I don’t know what to write about right now. The only thing I know right now is some self-created drama. If I write about what I want to write about, this will be my third post in a row about how I hate my life right now. I know it isn’t fair to those readers who drop by to see how things are going. I hate whining because generally I’m not a whiner. I’m usually the person that helps my friends out of ruts. I’m not the kind that would ask for that lift up.

I hate feeling like this dark cloud isn’t going to lift. I have faith that it will. I firmly believe that God has a plan for me, that my prayers along this journey to becoming a physician have been answered. It’s a miracle itself that I passed the USMLE exams (especially Step 1). Getting through medical school has also been a huge triumph. So I do have those shining star moments.

But right now, I’m still sulking about not getting accepted into a residency program. It’s good sometimes. I talk to friends who have their own stories about getting accepted or denied. Many of them have their own success stories. What I hate is that often I find myself more jealous than happy for them. I ask myself, what was on their CV that made them stand out, what in their interview, what in their recommendations caused a board member to vote them through. And these thoughts make me question my own accomplishments and self worth.

I promise the next time I post, I won’t write about this. I know that it is getting old.

I hope everyone has had a good week and after I get this up, I’ll visit your blogs.

Still A Little Cloudy

I am still feeling a little bit depressed.

I have had a couple sleepless nights. I’ve tossed and turned and usually I can plop down and sleep immediately. I’ve never experienced insomnia. I’ve never woken up in the middle of the night only to wonder why I woke up.

I hate this feeling of despair. I don’t know how to control it. I want to cry, but I know that crying over something so little is stupid, useless and doesn’t solve anything. It won’t change the fact that I didn’t match into a medical residency program. I know not getting matched into a program isn’t the end of the world. One of my former classmates called me and said that she knew someone who had tried for several years before getting matched (I think she said 4 years). Of course Lucy didn’t have to worry, since she matched into an internal medicine program. She told me that the key is persistance. I know that she was being helpful…that my best interest was at hand. However, I find it hard to swallow advice from someone who can’t possibly know what I’m feeling, seeing that the very thing I want, she already got–her first choice was her first match. I know that in some way I’m just sour graping. Logically my mind tells me that she was concerned. The selfish side of me wants to scream, “you have no idea because you didn’t have to go through reapplying and hearing the echo of a cricket at the end of the day”.

I’m not sure when these depressive feelings will lift. I hate not knowing where I’m going to be or what I’m going to be doing for a year. I have usually lived my life on a planned schedule (yes, I’m a bit obsessive when it comes to knowing what I’m doing and when). And in some ways I like having some control of my surroundings. In this case, I have no control and I see my career and life come to a halt with no warning.

I hate this…..

A Little Burden Lifted

I had a rough week right before Easter. I didn’t get accepted into a family medicine training program. This is something I have been striving to achieve for the last couple months, so on Tuesday when they announced those medical students who matched into programs, I was depressed.

But I had some things to look forward to. My family coming in on the weekend to celebrate Easter with me. Another surprise that I had to look forward to is my buddy Todd (I have written about him before) coming down in April to do one of his medical rotations here (so I will have his company for a month).

I called him really late one night, after I had gotten off the computer. I took the chance that he would be awake and called him. He answered right away explaining that he was up studying. I’m not really one to verbalize my disappointment so I talked about everything else under the sun. After I hung up with him (about 3 a.m.), my phone rang and it was him again. He said something didn’t sit well with our conversation, he could just feel something was wrong and demanded to know. He asked things like “are you going to be alone for Easter”, “did you get into a fight with someone” and then finally said “dammit don’t make me guess, I do enough guessing on my exams”.

It is often funny how those close to you can sense something different about your voice pattern no matter how you try to hide it. I had talked to several people that week and thought I did a good job hiding my disappointment.  I talked to people the night that the results came out and even fooled some of my other friends. In fact I thought I had even fooled myself, constantly reassuring myself that everything was going to be alright. The funny thing is, I rarely talk to Todd, at least not on a weekly basis. I guess there are some things you cannot hide from your friends who you do have a deep emotional bond to.

I really believe that friends are those angels that lift you to your feet when your own wings have forgotten how to fly.

Still Here

I hope everyone had a great Easter weekend! I sure did. My family came down to visit, as well as many friends who surprised me.

I have been busy and this is why the blog has been neglected…I have also neglected coming around to visit your blogs as well. For this I apologize. I’ve been a bad blogger. But once all the dust settles, I’ll be back full force again.

Once again, have a good Easter week!! Enjoy yourselves and I’ll be back again soon.

Glass Homes and Stones

I have always been reminded of the old saying “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”. I haven’t always lived by this rule. In fact there were times that I threw out accusations in order to cover up my own inadequacies. My own insecurities were manifested when I despised these qualities in other people. Many times I unearthed my own faults, my weaknesses and the cracks in my self-esteem by taking inventory of all that I say about others.

In the wake of what has happened to a political figure, I realize that these secrets that we bury deeply will often be unearthed. Many express shock at these revelations. I’ve begun to realize that those who speak the loudest against an issue are those who want to direct traffic down a different pathway. They try to convince others of their by pointing fingers. I wonder sometimes who they really want to convince, others or their own conscience.

I am not any better. I myself have tried to shatter the glass that protects another’s dignity. But I’ve learned that many times these hurls are boomerangs and come back to create cracks and chips in my own delicate wall.

A Different Zone

The other night on the show The Twilight Zone the episode where the normal looking girl wanted surgery so that she could look like everyone else (have a pig nose) was on. I was watching it and wondering why she was considered ugly or deformed when actually she was quite pretty. The pig-nosed people then sent her away to live with the others who had her same feature. As her escort took her away he assured her that over time she would fit in, that she would be comfortable with the others who were just like her and soon she would forget the world where she once lived. It just reiterates the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

As I started my journey of coming out, I found that I have come to accept myself. Through blog comments and supportive e-mail and supportive phone calls, I have grown to be more comfortable in my own skin. Last weekend I hung out with my straight friends on Friday and my gay ones on Saturday. Some of my straight crew know I am gay and have not treated me differently, not even censoring their icky talk of vagina.

I feel like I’ve grown as a person and that I’ve become more tolerant of differences in opinion and life’s views. I have stated before that these differences help make us unique and that personal growth should be celebrated rather than squashed. I have come to the understanding that most people are afraid of these differences because they themselves are not comfortable in their own skin. They are afraid that because of differences their own shortcoming or weakness will show. However, I believe quite the opposite, that if they recognize the differences their strengths will be highlighted.

I’m beginning to feel like my former self was in this wacky zone. And now this zone only exists as a distant memory.

Wishing On Stars

One of my favorite country singers is Bryan White. In the early nineties he sang a song about what happens when you wish on a star that belongs to someone else. This lucky someone else would end up with the love of your life. I can recall playing his album over and over again.

This song recently came to mind over the past few days. Last week I went to a gay bar with one of my friends. He is also not out of the closet. While we were there a guy who introduced himself as Ben came up to me and offered to buy me a drink. In my defensive and suspicious state of mind, I declined the drink. Ben kept trying to start a conversation with me. I, however would not let my defensives down long enough to get to know him better. After a few minutes, he politely excused himself and walked away. I turned around to make sure he was gone and caught a glimpse of him as he walked out the exit door.

I assummed that he left so quickly because all he was trying to do was pick a random stranger for a quickie. A few nights later I found out how wrong I was about him. On my drive home that night, I kept thinking about how rude my attitude towards him had been. I should have invited him to sit down with us and I could have declined the drink more politely.

When my buddy and I went back to the bar, I saw him again. Standing in a better lit section of the bar, I could see him more clearly. The shadowy unknown of a dimmer glow was gone. He smiled when he saw me and I walked over to him. This time I thought to myself that I would offer to buy him the drink that I refused from him.

I offered the drink and he politely declined. He told me that he was just waiting for a friend. There were a few minutes of silence and we both searched our conversation manuals for something to say. He finally told me that the other night was his first night in a gay bar. He explained that he wasn’t out to anyone and had no one who would come to the bar with him. He then told me that of all the people there that I looked “safe” and it was the reason he approached me.

That fateful night, after I had declined his drink, he left a little embarassed and depressed. He walked out to his car and sat in it for awhile. He didn’t want to go home, but he couldn’t go to any of his friends houses to tell them why he felt bad. While he was sitting in his car he said a guy knocked on the window and asked him if he was alright. After some convincing the guy had finally talked him into coming back into the bar to talk. This kind stranger ordered a plate of fries and two sodas. He then told Ben, “Okay, a french fry for your thoughts”. Their conversation bloomed into friendship. Their laughter and meeting lasted until the lights signaled the closing of the bar. Their next few nights would be spent sipping coffee at a cafe til it closed or talking on the phone.

Ben told me that he was starting to develope a crush on this guy and it had only been a few days since they met. The guy had also expressed the fact he was developing feelings for Ben too.

As we sat down at a table Ben motioned for a waiter to take our order. He ordered a plate of fries and two sodas. Turning to me he said, “You said that you were also newly out. I got you some fries, now it’s your tell me your thoughts”. As we got to know each other, all I could think was Ben was someone that I could have gotten to know, someone that I probably would have fallen in love with. He has a perfect personality. We liked the same kind of music and have the same religious and political beliefs. And he has an amazing smile!

Ben’s crush walked through the door and I watched as his eyes lit up when they saw each other. Ben introduced me to his crush and as we shook hands, I could see the reasons for the attraction.

I left that night thinking I must have wished on that other guy’s star.

A Flicker of Hope

I got an email today which was in hindsight somewhat cheesy. First of all it was one of those emails that had an attachment to it (I’m superstitious so when I get one of these “must forward” emails I usually end up forwarding it with an apology opening and explanation that I felt I must forward it). The fact that in order to find love, that love would come in the form of a phone call or a knock at the door, a sudden chance all due to the forwarding of this email is a little ludicrous. But of course the part that stated if I didn’t forward it I would be all alone struck a cord with me.

Personally I know that love isn’t going to ring my doorbell. I’m not expecting any company and the mailman places all mail into a mailbox. Besides I’ve seen the mailperson and no thank you (not that I’m being picky but she has breasts). I’m not expecting any packages, but if I were I wouldn’t mind the delivery guy…wow talk about legs and biceps!! The only problem is the guy would have to impress me beyond the physical. I admit that a beautiful physical form is a turn on, but if a person really wants to get me going, for me it’s about conversation. I’m not referring to dirty talk, I’m talking about a real connection. This aphrodisiac is the type that gets me knock-kneed. It makes me melt into a puddle of goo.

So in a small effort to prevent myself from being alone, I forwarded this email which has brought love to all those who have forwarded it. I’m not crossing my fingers or holding my breath. I would get carpel tunnel syndrome from keeping my hands in such a position for a long time. Everyone who has met me knows that I can’t hold my breath for very long so that wouldn’t work.

I just wish it was as romantic as it is in the movies…a stranger across a crowded room, a smile, a whispered hello and the momentary hesitation to ask for a date. I feel like one of those wall flowers at a dance who get to watch everyone else spin under the glitter and paper mache decorations. I’m sure I’ll get the chance once I get the rest of my life in order. Until then, the email has been sent out so that I don’t have two years of bad luck in love.

Happy Valentine’s Day

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day!!

I hope everyone has a great date with the one they love whether it be a friend or significant other. Enjoy this day when we are suppose to express love for one another.

Okay, posting the picture was easier that I thought it would be.First off, I  never though I would be writing a blog. I’m not verygood with computers. They overwhelm me and to be honest all I really know how to do is send email, chat and upload music into my iPod.

I was inspired by such bloggers as Jason from Let’s Just Say You Are Right, Robert from All Things But None and Steven from A Friend of Dorothy’s to use my camera to capture images and post them on-line. I’m not very good at imagining what would make a good picture. I certainly don’t have an a photographer’s eye. I thought about taking pictures of objects that give me food for thought and to write about the muse behind those opinions.

This is an image of fruit before it becomes that tasteful and luscious commodity that we buy in the grocery store. Right now it isn’t so perfect. In fact it doesn’t look worthy of a second glance. I am amazed how something can grow out of this unidentifiable object. In a few months, maybe a few weeks, it will grow to become something awesome, something which nourishes, something that gives oral pleasure but without the guilt (remember not too many calories in fruit).

Many of us are still growing. Some of us still at the seed level, some of us in between seed and germination, some of us just small buds, while others are already the wonderful piece of fruit.

I have enjoyed taking this journey with the many bloggers who have shared their life’s experience with me and others. You have watered and fertilized me along the way and I’m well on the path to becoming who I’m suppose to be. I thank you for that. Have a great weekend everyone!!

P.S. The use of fruit was not intended for a pun. I was just out in my garden yesterday, saw the buds and it gave way to me thinking about posting this.