I recently told one of the bloggers I chat with about a fight I had with my brother several years ago. I think it was good to finally talk about it since I had never really discussed it before. I think talking about it, somehow cleansed my system of some of those ill feelings and was therapeutic in a way.
Several years ago my brother and I had a heated argument. My brother is the type that fights by hitting below the belt. Rather than argue a point or debate it, he insults.
At the height of our argument, he said “You’ve never brought a girl home…I’ve never seen you with a girl…Bring a guy home FAGGIT”.
The “F” word echoed in my head. It was directed right at me. And it stung. I was at a lost for words. My brother stared me down, waiting for my reply. I felt my legs go weak. I was stunned. I had no reply. I’ve never argued using names, using someone’s weakness, using physical or mental inadequacies. There was no saliva in my mouth to swallow.
Again my brother stared, waiting for my reply. I stood there–waiting for him to say something else. My hands clenched themselves into fists. They weren’t raised, but at my sides. His daring smirk became a smug grin. And then he said “bring it”!!
I told him I wasn’t going to throw any punches. We were suppose to be adults. I was working towards finishing my degree in biology and studying for the MCATS (entrance exams for medical school). He already had a job, put a bid on a house, had a 401k and was considered a successful businessman. We were adults, weren’t we? This wasn’t the playground after school. We weren’t in our childhood basement fighting over video game controls or pool sticks. I had thought we were civilized. He already had his MBA. We were educated. At least I thought we were.
I dropped my hands to my side. I unclenched my fists. I felt my shoulders droop and I let a huge breath out. I shook my head, sighed and looked at the floor. It took all the strength I had not to cry.
He said, “I thought so” and walked out of the room.
I haven’t forgiven him for that argument. I’ve since kept my distance emotionally. I’ve never sat down with him to have dinner unless it’s with family or friends. I’ve never answered any of his phone calls. And I’ve managed to avoid or else have plans on days when he asks me to go out.
When I was chatting with my friend last night, I realized that it was time to let go. And I’m going to…and someday I’ll be able to forgive for this. But I’m going to let go of the bitterness.