And I think it’s gonna be a long, long, time
Till touchdown brings me around again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
No no no
I’m a rocket man
Burning out his fuse
Up here alone
And I think it’s going to be a long, long time
Rocket Man by Elton John
This is one of my favorite songs. I think maybe because the music together with the lyrics point out just how lonely portions of life can be. I remember hearing it when I was younger and thinking something about it echoed the way my life might become, might be.
Recently I did something that made me realize that I will be this rocket man, a person who doesn’t feel like he’s part of anything anymore. Since becoming more in touch with myself and my feelings, I feel somewhat aloof from some of my friends. And yet I also feel aloof from the gay community.
I know boo-hoo. And there are things I can do to remedy this all. It’s just that I’m feeling this right now, especially now. I’ll write about it in another post. I have to wrap my head around this all. It involves talking to one of my college buddies about everything. And it didn’t end well. But again it’s a topic I’m going to post about later. I come to tears every time I think about it. I want to throw up and I feel dizzy. Oh, the lightheadedness/nausea. I finally understand vasovagal syncope. And I want to shove myself further back into this closet that offered the safety it always has.
Like the song’s character, I feel like I’m so out of touch. In reality, I’m not the man they think I am at all. There’s a different person inside. But in other ways I’m still the man they know:
I love comedies. I can quote “Friends”. If prodded enough, I will get up and sing (not very badly, but not very good) karaoke (and recently I sang Rocket Man). I don’t like the sand on the beach. I am extremely patriotic and I have full respect for our military. I cry easily–especially if it’s a girl who I see is crying. I have volunteered many hours for several charities, especially the ones that deal with underprivileged children. In these respects and several others, I’m still the man they once knew.
But I think it’s going to be a long long time till my friend realizes this.