John To Earth, Can You Hear Me?

And I think it’s gonna be a long, long, time
Till touchdown brings me around again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
No no no

I’m a rocket man
Rocket man
Burning out his fuse
Up here alone

And I think it’s going to be a long, long time

Rocket Man by Elton John

This is one of my favorite songs. I think maybe because the music together with the lyrics point out just how lonely portions of life can be. I remember hearing it when I was younger and thinking something about it echoed the way my life might become, might be.

Recently I did something that made me realize that I will be this rocket man, a person who doesn’t feel like he’s part of anything anymore. Since becoming more in touch with myself and my feelings, I feel somewhat aloof from some of my friends. And yet I also feel aloof from the gay community.

I know boo-hoo. And there are things I can do to remedy this all. It’s just that I’m feeling this right now, especially now. I’ll write about it in another post. I have to wrap my head around this all. It involves talking to one of my college buddies about everything. And it didn’t end well. But again it’s a topic I’m going to post about later. I come to tears every time I think about it. I want to throw up and I feel dizzy. Oh, the lightheadedness/nausea. I finally understand vasovagal syncope. And I want to shove myself further back into this closet that offered the safety it always has.

Like the song’s character, I feel like I’m so out of touch. In reality, I’m not the man they think I am at all. There’s a different person inside. But in other ways I’m still the man they know:

I love comedies. I can quote “Friends”. If prodded enough, I will get up and sing (not very badly, but not very good) karaoke (and recently I sang Rocket Man). I don’t like the sand on the beach. I am extremely patriotic and I have full respect for our military. I cry easily–especially if it’s a girl who I see is crying. I have volunteered many hours for several charities, especially the ones that deal with underprivileged children. In these respects and several others, I’m still the man they once knew.

But I think it’s going to be a long long time till my friend realizes this.

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10 Responses to “John To Earth, Can You Hear Me?”

  1. Lemuel Says:

    I had just finished reading Bigg’s post for today when I come over to read yours. It must be in the air. You post a thoughtful parallel to the theme of this Elton song (also one fo my fav’s). I think a lot of us can relate to your comments that we no longer feel at home in our old world and we do not feel at home in our new. “I’m not the man they think I am.”

  2. Jason Says:

    I love that song. I think we ALL can relate.
    The journey can be rough, but you do have friends to help you along the way. Get in touch with me when you can 🙂

  3. steve Says:

    It’s called transition…some make it quicker than others. You’re okay John; you sound like a fantastic person. There are many who think you are the man you are. The others will figure it out and catch up…be yourself.

  4. David Says:

    Your relationships with some people are going to change. It’s a sad fact that there are people who will react negatively. But also consider that your relationships with many more people can and will strengthen. An example: I used to have this acquaintance from high school named Season. A few years ago, I never would have imagined even talking to her 7 years after graduation. Now, she is one of my best friends and one of my biggest pillars of support. Contrast that with the very first person who I came out to because I thought she would be the most supportive out of all my friends. She and I barely speak to one another. While I mourn our broken relationship, I cherish the ones strengthen and new ones created which are more honest. Hang in there. And like those who came before me, we’re hear for you.

  5. urspo Says:

    it is standard procedure that when you work on the Self you have to detach from your groups/tribes. the price of enlightenment is separation and exile – at least for awhile.

  6. BruceCleveland Says:

    “I’m still the man they once knew.”

    This was a fact I had meant to point out to you earlier…but because of my emotional reaction…I forgot to make that point.

    It’s not all going to be the way this thing happened with your college buddy. There will be those who understand and support you…take your cousin for instance.

    Not sure if I mentioned this before and it may not be much help…but this is a good way to see who your real friends are…if they can love the real you. Is it really worth them only loving the you that they think they know and is not the complete you?

    You won’t always be lonely, as long as you have your bestest and closest of friends and family around you…and as long as you let people into your life…you will never truely be alone. And to quote the musical “Into the Woods.” “No one is truely alone…

    Mother cannot guide you.
    Now you’re on your own.
    Only me beside you.
    Still, you’re not alone.
    No one is alone. Truly.
    No one is alone.
    Sometimes people leave you.
    Halfway through the wood.
    Others may decieve you.
    You decide whats good.
    You decide alone.
    But no one is alone.

    Do things, fight things,
    Cinderella:
    Feel you’ve lost your way?
    You decide, but
    You are not alone
    Believe me,
    No one is alone
    Truly
    You move just a finger,
    Say the slightest word,
    Somethings bound to linger
    Be heard
    No acts alone.
    Careful.
    No one is alone.”

    I know corny…but if you hear it…It makes me cry every time…

  7. deweydjb Says:

    I am sorry you are going through this! I know that when I get emotional I tend to pull away from people as well, and I tend to be on the introverted side anyway so reaching out to people has always been a problem for me. But I am glad you have the stregnth to share on your blog. Sometimes writing about stuff gets it out in the open and out of your head. And you have people like me listening and I care, even though we have never met. As I get older I seem to know less and less who I am… or if I really even need a label. But keep posting and I hope it makes you feel better. I will keep reading.

  8. Matt Says:

    I like Bruce’s post – no one is alone.

    It’s true, John. I’m sorry there’s so much you’re going through, but we all think you’re a good, worthy person, and we keep coming back to see how you’re doing. Even though it’s the “blogosphere”, that says something.

    Hang in there. Count me as someone you can contact when you need to.

  9. Albert Says:

    Hey there sexy ass!! you know where I am if you need to chat! shhhh

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