Remember Me This Way

One of my favorite movies is Casper The Friendly Ghost. I use to watch the cartoon as a child and loved that he would scare people without meaning to.

One of the songs from the soundtrack was this pretty cheesy song “Remember Me This Way” by Jordan Hill. And although that type of music is definitely not my favorite, I remember the song because of the movie. And I recently looked up the lyrics on the net because I had heard the song while driving this week. I liked the verse:

I’ll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this wa
y

I recently told one of my best friends from college that I was gay. The reception was not so good. He basically said that he couldn’t do this right now. He said that he had a family to think about and couldn’t expose them to this. He then said as a favor to me, he wouldn’t tell our other friends, that the decision was up to me. And then he said something which cut to my very core–“please don’t contact me until further notice”. It’s been about two weeks and no further notice has come.

In a very weird way, I am not angry at him. I can’t be angry at him. After all I feel he has some right to his feelings/emotions, whatever he’s dealing with right now. I don’t think it was easy for him to hear something like this. And yes, I know we can argue that I’m normal and that he shouldn’t. But I feel that he’s also normal and so his reaction should also be understood.

Even if he never wanted to be friends with me again. I hope that he does remember the friendship that we did have and that those memories are good.

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16 Responses to “Remember Me This Way”

  1. BruceCleveland Says:

    You says it’s not easy for him to hear something like this…which I understand what you are saying…but why should that be? It’s not like you tried to kill him or worse tried to commit suicide. Why should the words “I am gay” be hard for anyone (aside from parents or wife) be hard to hear?

    I am not saying you are wrong in what you said…it’s more towards what he said. In fact no matter what comes your way…you still find a way to be as nice and beautiful in your understanding of it.

    And as far as his family is concern…what? Does he think you are going to jump his bones and turn him gay? Or maybe he’s worried just because your gay you will try to have sex with his children. Can you tell I am still angry about this?? And I don’t even know him. Sorry to be ranting.

  2. roy Says:

    Wow. Sorry to hear this. I never had a reaction quite like that. I guess you just have to deal and evaluate your friendship with him and decide whether or not he’s going to be in your life. Maybe he really does need some time to think about this? Maybe he will come around and find that he was being silly and insecure? I hope so. I hope that you don’t have too many negative experiences when it comes to your coming out. I hope for you that you get the support you need from those you need it from. *hugs*

  3. Kevin Says:

    I have to say wow as well. I can’t understand what in the world he needs to think about. It’s not like you ever came on to him or is it he feels he has been “lied” to?

    Why is it when we let others know that we are gay, some tend to feel as if they can no longer associate with us or need time to think things over? What is there to think? Are we “different” know that the know the truth? Do they feel like we are all of a sudden a threat to them?

    As I am slowly coming out, I have met similar reactions and at first they hurt, until I realized that I wasn’t a problem in their lives to be dealt with. They were along with their attitudes and pre-conceived notions were. I also questioned if they were truly friends to begin with.

    I did find in one case however, that one of my friends who did comment in a similar vein as your friend was because he too was struggling with his sexuality and felt threatened that I would expose him!

    I have found that coming out is one of the hardest things I have done in my life (hiding in the closest for 49 years was easy!) and I can’t be taken down by those who use my sexuality as a condition of friendship.

    IMHO, it’s his loss and not yours. Although it may be painful at the start, don’t let the negative attitudes of others keep you from celebrating the great person that you are.

  4. urspo Says:

    ah well, there will be some who won’t blink, others delighted, and others will go away. but it is all founded on self-integrity on your part, which is what counts

  5. Lemuel Says:

    In reality the loss is his, not yours. Patience my friend. He may come to realize that you have not changed. True friendship is like love. If it is real it will come back.

  6. purpletwinkie Says:

    “He said that he had a family to think about and couldn’t expose them to this.” That is just about the most ignorant reaction I have ever read.

    Friends come and go, John. It really is his loss. You’ve already moved on toward making new friends, just look at your blog.

  7. roy Says:

    I just wanted to add another thought to reply above. Losing a close friend is always hard. It is. It’s hard when it has everything to do with your sexuality, and that is all. To us, we think it’s such a minimal part of our lives. That there is SO much more to us. But if this small part of us makes our friends or family turn their backs on us, then shame on them. YOU, have done nothing wrong. You were honest and wanted to share yourself with your friend. If they can’t deal, then it’s time to find the people who will support you. They may come around in the future. But it’s not your responsibility to sit and wait. My family had a HUGE problem with my sexuality, and I cut them off for six years, and I came back around and they received me warmly, so I kept coming back….Sometimes it takes time, and sometimes the relationships die. Just always be you, because that’s what is really going to make you happy and healthy in the future… I can’t believe I’ve been thinking about this and had to write you again. I feel strong about the coming out process and since I’ve been there done that, just want to offer you the help or guidance that I wish I had….. What is your email?

  8. Paul Says:

    John,

    I think his responses were totally conflicted and inappropriate.

    “I can’t deal with this right now” … what does he have to deal with? I’m assuming that you were not asking him to leave his family and join you!

    Yes, I can understand that he may not want to regularly hang out with gay men, but for him to say “don’t contact me until further notice” was quiet rude. Why should it be up to him?

    I suspect that he has his own issues. Probably big ones!

  9. BruceCleveland Says:

    Hey John! As you can see by these responses…this whole thing should not reflect upon you at all…but how the friend viewed your friendship. Besides you 1 for 1 as I see it. Your cousin was great in how you came out…that was a huge giant positive. Not everyone will be as ignorant as your friend…don’t let this discourage back into hiding. I care about you buddy!!! You know where I am when you want to talk.

  10. deldell Says:

    It’s sad when a person let’s his fear of his own sexuality dictate cutting off a friendship.
    Bottom line is that your friend is afraid of himself, not you.

  11. Brad Says:

    I like what Ur-Spo had to say. It’s a matter of self-integrity.

  12. Joe Says:

    Rejection, even when we know it is “unfair” and “unjust” and “uncalled for” is still rejection. Regardless of what our heads tell us, our hearts are wounded.

    Many of us want to take “the blame” for this, for being gay, for being who we are. He is hurt, too, and too cowardly to venture.

    I am fearing the same rejections as I creep out of the closet. I’m scared. But rejection in the light is so much better than death in the dark.

    Shalom and love and hugs to you, friend.

    Joe.

  13. Doug Says:

    First of all, I am glad you told him. It was important to you and your coming out process. It was something you felt you needed to do, and you did it. That is a great step. I applaud you for it.

    Maybe he is someone who has never really met or experienced a gay person before (though, I think that is becoming rarer and rarer) and I would like to think your friendship will be more important and he will come round..

    But if he doesn’t, it really is his loss. I don’t really know you, I know you by what I read, but that is from a kind and sensitive soul who I know would make a great friend.

    So remember the friends you have made, the ones that stayed. And take care!

  14. BruceCleveland Says:

    I have to say…Joe is right when he says…”But rejection in the light is so much better than death in the dark.”…That speaks volumes and it is so true.

  15. Kevin Says:

    I’m sorry this happened. But you made step in the right direction. The outcome might not have been what you had hoped, but you did it. For that you should be proud. It was most definitely not an easy thing.

    I lucked out in that a lot of my friends are comfortable with gay people (being in the theatre and all), so the ones I told were cool. However, I haven’t told people at my day job because I still don’t want to have to deal with that on a regular basis.

    Good luck. And don’t let this get you too down. You’re a good guy. Remember that.

  16. Paul Says:

    RE: Your comment.

    Yes, I did (do something at band camp). Actually, a lot!

    Thanks for the “no geek” vote of confidence.

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