A Step Backwards

It’s barely been a month, since I told my buddy Mark about myself. I still haven’t heard from him and I still haven’t tried to contact him. I’m giving him his space, as requested “please don’t contact me until further notice”. Those words still blaring at me in text message form from my cell phone.

I’m still wondering if I did the right thing. If saying anything at all was good. Our relationship was fine without him having to know that I’m attracted to men. We never talked about bedroom matters anyway. We never talked about sex. We mostly talked about basketball games and other life matters. I’m left wondering if there are certain people who don’t really have to know what we do behind bedroom doors.

I’m beginning to wonder if I really have come a long way. I thought I had been making strides, chatting with other bloggers via messenger or email. I wonder if I still want to come out, or just selectively choose who knows and who doesn’t.

While searching for a song for one of my blogger buddies who loves Mr. Bean–I told him that I remembered some music video he was in and that it was some cheesy band song,–I came upon the song “No Matter What”. And I remembered liking the song, how nice the lyrics are.


No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true

No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know I'll love forever
I know, no matter what  


And when I feel I’ve taken a step backwards, I remember all the positive feedback I’ve gotten from the friends who have helped me along the way. I’m not really sure what the future holds. How I’m going to deal with coming out in the future, whether I’ll continue to stay in the closet. But I know that no matter what, I do have some friends who care.

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13 Responses to “A Step Backwards”

  1. roy Says:

    Stay strong buddy. YOU are in control of your coming out. No one else is. Don’t let someone’s reaction, or possible reaction determine how you will live your life. But I feel like you should only share this information with those whom you are close to. It’s not really anyone’s business. Soon, it will become just be….and that’s how I like it. I don’t have to tell anyone if I am gay or not. They know already. It’s just fact. And I like living comfortably in my own skin. It took many years to get here, and you will get there as well! You are a smart guy. Just keep your head high….

  2. Lemuel Says:

    Although I was slammed elsewhere for having said this in response to a post on another blog, I really think the whole “coming out” is relative. There are very few who “announce it to everyone from the rooftop.” We are almost all selective as to who knows. I usually think of myself as “not out”, but I am – to certain people. You know. The readers of my blog know. I have friends who know. For the time at least I have not chosen to come out to family or to co-workers.

    I don’t think you need to tell every one. Roy is correct. After a time it will be natural. People who need to know will know. I am convinced of that. It is not everyone’s business. You chose to tell your friend, for whatever reason. He reacted negatively. Some folks will do that and it may be very hard to predict who will accept you and who will reject you.

    I am still convinced that the issue is his, not yours to deal with. It hurts you, we can tell, to lose such a friend. I think you are doing right in standing back and waiting for him to make the next move. Maybe he will reconcile; maybe he will not. I think the choice is his.

    FWIW, I do not have as friends all those I counted as friends in high school or college. Some of us have agreed to disagree and it had nothing to do with sexual orientation. Some of it was over politics, some over religion, some over money, etc. But the fact remains I lost friends that I thought were very close through the years.

    I also gained new friends that I had never known. I think I am writing to one now. πŸ™‚

  3. purpletwinkie Says:

    I agree that we all have our own way of coming out.

    I suppose I am one of the fortunate ones in that my coming out was simple. Nothing really changed, nor did people around me change. I don’t take that for granted.

    I like to think when things like this (that has happened to you) happen, they are just bumps in the road. We always trip on things along our path, but the important thing is to fall forward and not back.

  4. Eric Says:

    we definitely have our own way of coming out and to whom. I’m pretty much 100% out. I haven’t proclaimed it at work but I will if our conversation ever leads to me needing to discuss my BF.
    And that’s something you need to think about. If you ever meet someone and it becomes serious, that is something you’d share with your friends. If this guy cannot handle it now, he certainly won’t be able to handle it then. You did the right ting.

  5. roy Says:

    Hey JM, thanks for the comment on the blog….I actually never post since I went into retirement. I have no doubt (hahaha) that she would have loved to have been at the concert πŸ™‚ You know JM, if you ever want to email me or anything….just let me know. I know u have plenty of other blogger friends to lean on, but just wanted you to know that I’m here too πŸ™‚

  6. BruceCleveland Says:

    John,

    Only you can decide who to tell and when to tell. Just because of one bad reaction or few down the line…only you know what’s right for you. You’re right some people don’t need to know…but to use “We talk about sex or bedroom stuff” as an arguement not to tell…that’s a bit weak. Yah you may not have talked about it…but his sexuality is also be flaunted in your face and you weren’t talking about it. He talks of his children and his way of life…I think one of the things you have to look at and is a big thing, for me anyway, is sex is a small part of your sexuality your make-up of who you are. Yes having sex with men makes you gay…but being gay is about having sex with men. You have to look beyond that…just like being straight. We are constantly reminded of heterosexuality when people talk about thier husbands or wives (and not sexually). When they talk about the children they can or can not have. Not sure if I am making my point or not…but over all being gay is not ALL about sex…and I think that’s where alot of people fail to see.

    Okay I’m stopping there because I don’t know if I am making a point or just babbling πŸ™‚

  7. roy Says:

    you’re making a point…not babbling…. πŸ˜€

  8. David Says:

    I don’t think that you need to be shouting it from the rooftops. However, when it comes to your close friends, I think that it is perfectly acceptable to sit them out and have a talk with them. Now you said that you don’t talk about sex and all that. However, once your comfortable enough to date and be seen around with other, it’s going to come up.

    Other than the last family members, I’m done with the sit-down talk. Anyone who is now finding out about me now, usually finds out because of totally innocent conversation or through their own observations.

    In the end, it’s really up to you who you want to know and when.

  9. urspo Says:

    i think you did the right thing. being honest about who you are is always the best way to go. some negative aftermath always happens but not from everyone. the genuine and deep attachments will only strengthen. meanwhile respect his wishes and he may some day call back saying he missed you.

  10. Jason Says:

    From the comments above, you have a lot of people who are there for you and who have been in your shoes at some point. You’ll make it through this, and be a stronger person for it. It’s not always easy, but you’ve made the first step and that’s the hardest part.

  11. deldell Says:

    I just want to post some encouragement to you. I tend to take each relationship as a separate case. But I discovered fairly early on that once word gets out, it travels quickly.
    In this life, I find that hardly anybody really understands anyone. But hopefully, as we accept each other, a degree of understanding may ensue.
    Many of your friends will probably find a place of acceptance for you.

  12. Steven Says:

    Coming out never means having announcement to the world. How many straight men go to announce they are straight? Unless they are homophobic or closet cases. To me, it is about being comfort who we are. More self realization than other’s recognization.

    Many of us were there where you are now. But always it depends on every individual to break the surface on his own. Life is getting shorter to struggle, not enjoy.

    Good Luck!

  13. steve Says:

    I learned this lesson a long time ago…do not let one person dictate how you will run your life, coming out or staying in the closet. Also remember that you have one shot at life – live it the way you feel most true to yourself.

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