It’s barely been a month, since I told my buddy Mark about myself. I still haven’t heard from him and I still haven’t tried to contact him. I’m giving him his space, as requested “please don’t contact me until further notice”. Those words still blaring at me in text message form from my cell phone.
I’m still wondering if I did the right thing. If saying anything at all was good. Our relationship was fine without him having to know that I’m attracted to men. We never talked about bedroom matters anyway. We never talked about sex. We mostly talked about basketball games and other life matters. I’m left wondering if there are certain people who don’t really have to know what we do behind bedroom doors.
I’m beginning to wonder if I really have come a long way. I thought I had been making strides, chatting with other bloggers via messenger or email. I wonder if I still want to come out, or just selectively choose who knows and who doesn’t.
While searching for a song for one of my blogger buddies who loves Mr. Bean–I told him that I remembered some music video he was in and that it was some cheesy band song,–I came upon the song “No Matter What”. And I remembered liking the song, how nice the lyrics are.
No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do No matter what they teach us What we believe is true No matter what they call us However they attack No matter where they take us We'll find our own way back I can't deny what I believe I can't be what I'm not I know I'll love forever I know, no matter what
And when I feel I’ve taken a step backwards, I remember all the positive feedback I’ve gotten from the friends who have helped me along the way. I’m not really sure what the future holds. How I’m going to deal with coming out in the future, whether I’ll continue to stay in the closet. But I know that no matter what, I do have some friends who care.