Hello My Name Is John

It’s been over a year since I first posted. Not on this blog, but on the original, which got lost in the transition from blogspot to WordPress. I don’t lament the loss, someone told me to look at it as a new beginning, a fresh template onto which to express myself. I’ve looked at it that way.

One of my concerns is that I don’t feel like I’ve grown. One of the reasons that I started this blog was to express my feelings, my fears and my frustrations about being in the closet. Lately, I really haven’t written about this topic. I find myself deeper in the closet with my thoughts. I’m going to try and remedy this, and write about those fears, triumphs and questions once again.

I’m still in the closet when in comes to my family. I’ve told only my readers and a few choice people. If you go back a few posts, you’ll see that one of those experiences wasn’t so good. But one post which was lost in the transition was about a touching moment in my life when my cousin offered his shoulder to cry on and his strength to borrow whenever I needed it. I understand that there will be triumphant moments when a family member, a friend will open their arms and welcome this aspect of my life. I also understand that there will be those who will pretend our friendships and past relationships never happened. It’s a part of life. For me however, not being accepted is difficult. It’s difficult for all those who have gone through. I’m not the first who’ll be rejected because of homosexuality and I’m not the last. Hopefully, I’ll be part of a generation that will begin to accept this personality trait as just that, a genetic trait much like brown eyes or blond hair.

I’m still here. I guess you can say that I’ve got an ankle sticking out, if that much at all. I’m still trying to breathe under the circumstances. I’m still trying to get that window open, to let in some fresh air.


10 Responses to “Hello My Name Is John”

  1. Eric Says:

    The most important thing you can do is come to be ok with who you are. As you grow with that experience yourself, both the opportunity to meet people who WILL accept you for who you are and the strength to overcome those who wll reject you will only grow.
    Good luck!

  2. Lemuel Says:

    Emerge from that closet only as you feel comfortable. I am sure it will come as you grow in your comfort level with yourself and in your self-confidence to know and to do what is best for you.

    We see that ankle. We like what we see. When you’re ready to “show us some leg”, we’ll be ready for that, too. **grin**

    Best wishes, John!

  3. BruceCleveland Says:

    I am not sure how you can say you haven’t grown…where were you last year…in the closet and no one knew. Yes you may still be in the closet, but you have now let the world (via your blog) know and thus releasing some anxiety, you have told a few people in your life (good or bad), and you have made so many friends.

    Can you honestly say being here today and knowing what you know and learned that you haven’t grown? You opened your heart and soul to us all, granted that’s not who you had to worry about, but still a closeted person who hasn’t grown wouldn’t even be doing that.

    You are precious to me and I want you to know the full appreciation you should have and the respect you should have for what you have done… 😉

    Just because you have not come out of the closet fully doesn’t mean you have not grown. These things take baby steps….well okay some of us throw a parade…but the majority of us take baby steps…no matter how small of a step…it’s still growth. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.

  4. David Says:

    ^Ditto on all the above. The closet is a lonely place and the fact that you are here comminicating with an array of people plainly shows a growth of zero to some and then some more. So buck up and I’ll see you on chat… and perhaps when you make it up to Chicago, right? 🙂

  5. Jim Says:

    I disagree. It seems like you are putting the situation into perspective, which to me is growth.

  6. Daniel Says:

    I wonder if your studies didn’t take up a lot of your energy and focus this year. But I think Jim is right, you’re gaining perspective. It takes a certain amount of time to get perspective on ones life.

  7. Brad Says:

    Aw hell, you’re growing every day! I see it!

  8. urspo Says:

    growth sometimes first means putting down roots prior to sprouting leaves….

  9. Joe Says:

    It’s a journey, not a destination. “Growth” is not a place we reach, but a path we take. Keep journeying. I know the feeling of being in the closet, but at least we can open a window.

    Shalom, Joe.

  10. Steven Says:

    I second what Joe said. I always refer to “coming out” as a journey. No one takes the same path and yet along those pathways, tribulations and joys are sure to greet you.

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