Not Myself Lately

I have been stressed the past couple of days, weeks, maybe even months. One of the things I have noticed is that I have become quite bitter about certain issues. I noticed this change a couple days ago when my cousin came down to visit. While we were talking, I thought to myself this is not the person that I started out as and it’s definitely not the person that I want to end up becoming.

My first “fix-it” was to wipe everyone’s slate clean. Anyone who had wronged me or anyone that I was holding a grudge against. Slate cleaned, wiped, sanitized and freshened. Forgiveness was a good cleansing ritual. It’s in the Bible, it’s one of the key elements in living a good Christian lifestyle. So I began to clear away some anger by forgiving. And it felt great. I just let go of all of it.

I felt so much better after doing this. It was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.

But I still felt a little worn down. I have a lot to do, lots in my personal life and lots more in my professional life. I feel stressed out and also lousy. One of my biggest flaws is insecurity. I feel insecure about myself and about my career. I have never felt smart enough, or confident about myself. This is something I’ve always dealt with. In my family, I have always felt the least intelligent of the bunch. I have felt that I have to study harder or longer in order to keep up. I take failures a lot more seriously and usually never let go, even after I do well.

Last night a friend of mine called me about some problems he was having academically. And in comforting him, I was brought back to that point in time when I myself had to overcome those academic obstacles. I had some of the same roadblocks. It brought back again the insecurity of failure, of not doing well, and not being able to achieve my goals. These insecurities can be triggered by either hearing a colleague talk about certain situations that they have encountered or even seeing similar ones in simple sit-coms.

A few minutes ago, I got off the phone with one of my best friends. He could hear the strain in my voice and the heavy sighs gave the impression that something was bothering me. I told him it wasn’t something that anyone did, but just some insecurity and self-esteem issues I had. And then he said the funniest thing, “use me as a mental punching bag”. I didn’t get what he was saying and told him that I have never resorted to violence to relieve my anxieties. He said, “yell at me about something trivial, like my wife does when shes pissed about something”. In effect, he said “punch a hole in the wall”. The only thing I could think of was, “that would hurt my fist”. He replied that I just needed to talk about these things more instead of bottling it up, that fears and insecurities dissipate when we let them out.

So I blabbed that I didn’t feel good about myself. He told me that since college I have come a long way, that if he was proud of my academic achievements, that I should be. He said not everyone can do as well as I did in school and that in itself should erase any doubts about my intellect. And then he said something else which really made me think. He said “not everyone has a handful of friends that honestly like them, but you do”.

I started this blog because I wanted to write about myself and the journey out of the closet. And it has helped, has been therapeutic in dealing with those issues of my life. So I feel that I should also use it to help with the other issues/dramas in my life.

Writing this and banging on the keyboard has helped a lot. So thanks for reading and for following me along my journey. Whew! This has helped me to write it down!


10 Responses to “Not Myself Lately”

  1. Lemuel Says:

    Let it out! – even if you delete it before you post it. 🙂

  2. KipEsquire Says:

    Maybe it’s time for a vacation? Christmas in New York? 🙂

  3. Steven Says:

    I’m glad you were able to get it out of your system. Do a little doodling on your slate before you wipe it clean! And I thank YOU for being my mental punching bag. 😀

  4. Doug Says:

    I know how you feel about insecurity and self-esteem. I’ve had issues with these things my whole life.

    One thing I’ve learned is to try to treat myself as I would treat a friend seeking my help. If someone came to me with an issue, I’d try to emphasize the good, and above all, I’d forgive whatever wrongs they thought they’d done to me or to whomever. We’re all human, we make mistakes, we’re not perfect. Holding ourselves up to a model of perfection is a lost cause.

    So, delight in what you’ve achieved and treat yourself with kindness. And above all, forgive yourself as you forgive others.

  5. Sam Says:

    Hey John, a freindly reminder: that wiping the slate clean business and forgiving thing: it only works if you TELL the people their slates are clean and that they are forgiven. Thus clueing them in to your feelings and opening up things a bit.

    Many many people i know scarcely have the wits to give a tenth of the brainpower to themselves and their lives as you do.

    Steven and i often wonder if you are nearby to us or not?

  6. matty03 Says:

    Self-esteem — that is always a tough one.

    But, look at all you’re doing and have done!

    And, isn’t it funny have ‘freeing’ it can be to write these feelings and experiences down?

    kisses and a waive from SF,

  7. steve'swhirlyworld Says:

    You’re normal! A little analytical, but normal 🙂

  8. Steven Says:

    Why is it that the people who always try to be a better person, are so hard on themselves and feel inadequate! As compared to the people who never try to improve and could really use it. John you are your own worse enemy, stop being so hard on yourself there is a good reason why so many people like and respect you!

  9. Jim Says:

    Moments of self-doubt are just part of the human game. I’m glad to hear you have good friends to help you manage those times!

  10. urspo Says:

    ranting and venting on a blog is a good catharsis!
    try to exercise and take breaks from study too.
    hang in there; this too shall pass.

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