On one of my favorite blogs, Sooo This Is Me, the writer posted about being out on a ledge. He wrote about having to discern who he tells about his life and who he doesn’t.
Sometimes I feel the same way. I wonder who we should tell, who has the right to know, and who we don’t. I’ve chatted and emailed many different bloggers (or as they have now become, friends) about this situation. They tell me that coming out should be on my terms and how far I stick my foot out should be my decision. I whole-heartedly agree with this “rule” because yes, it should ultimately be my decision who knows what about my life. However, there are some situations in which I do just want to scream out (as Sooo-This-Is-Me) so eloquently stated, “I suck ____” (although I actually haven’t–remember I’ve never been kissed).
At the gym a few weeks ago, one guy that I chit-chat with daily asked me to have coffee with him and his fiancee. He told me that she would be bringing some friends along and that I would have fun. Yes, I probably would have fun, but not the kind of fun he thought I would. He kept saying things like, “her one friend is so hot”, and that I would have an easy time getting into her pants. So how do I handle a situation like this do I just say something like “I’m gay…. you done with the 15 pound dumbells yet?”. But I just didn’t feel like explaining myself to him. I haven’t even told all my friends yet, why should he be privy to such disclosure. Instead I politely declined with the excuse that I already had plans. But when I walked away, I felt like I had betrayed myself on some level.
I wish that a big book of gay social protocol was available. Sometimes I feel like the process of coming out, is almost as tiring as staying in the closet. The only difference is, at least outside I can catch a breath of fresh air. And I do see some rainbows after the storm. In the closet I’m surrounded by darkness and the muffled sounds of life.