Do You Flip A Coin?

On one of my favorite blogs, Sooo This Is Me, the writer posted about being out on a ledge. He wrote about having to discern who he tells about his life and who he doesn’t.

Sometimes I feel the same way. I wonder who we should tell, who has the right to know, and who we don’t. I’ve chatted and emailed many different bloggers (or as they have now become, friends) about this situation. They tell me that coming out should be on my terms and how far I stick my foot out should be my decision. I whole-heartedly agree with this “rule” because yes, it should ultimately be my decision who knows what about my life. However, there are some situations in which I do just want to scream out (as Sooo-This-Is-Me) so eloquently stated, “I suck ____” (although I actually haven’t–remember I’ve never been kissed).

At the gym a few weeks ago, one guy that I chit-chat with daily asked me to have coffee with him and his fiancee. He told me that she would be bringing some friends along and that I would have fun. Yes, I probably would have fun, but not the kind of fun he thought I would. He kept saying things like, “her one friend is so hot”, and that I would have an easy time getting into her pants. So how do I handle a situation like this do I just say something like “I’m gay…. you done with the 15 pound dumbells yet?”. But I just didn’t feel like explaining myself to him. I haven’t even told all my friends yet, why should he be privy to such disclosure. Instead I politely declined with the excuse that I already had plans. But when I walked away, I felt like I had betrayed myself on some level.

I wish that a big book of gay social protocol was available. Sometimes I feel like the process of coming out, is almost as tiring as staying in the closet. The only difference is, at least outside I can catch a breath of fresh air. And I do see some rainbows after the storm. In the closet I’m surrounded by darkness and the muffled sounds of life.

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10 Responses to “Do You Flip A Coin?”

  1. Lemuel Says:

    I would say that you are handling it all as you should. I agree that Mr. Matchmaker does not need to be privy to your orientation, but I do not think that you have betrayed yourself on that level. All of us (gay and straight) are frequently are put into social situations having nothing to do at all with our sexuality in which social protocol call us to decline unwelcome invitations “graciously”. We have “friends” who want us to get together for social occasions. I just simply do not care to be with them, but I do not want to be so blunt as to tell them that I consider them to be obnoxious and pushy and would rather undergo root canal than spend an evening with them. So I find a “gracious excuse”. I see your situation with Mr. Matchmaker as similar.

  2. Jim Says:

    Thats what I would have done. Its just on general principle however, I cant stand for people to set me up, whether breasts or a penis is involved is irrelevant.

  3. urspo Says:

    another way of looking at it is most people are going to know anyway via intuition so having to announce it isn’t that important -they pick it up.
    a thought.

  4. diamondfistwerny Says:

    Yeah, I’m with Jim. I don’t like someone feeling they need to set me up. If I were in your situation, I would’ve zoned in on that, rather than it being an orientation thing. Something like, “That’s really nice of ya, but I do just fine finding my own dates, on my terms.” Not really sure if this is an orientation issue. As Like Jim said, it would’ve made me squirm even if it were a guy I was being Yentyled with. Unless of course it was Chris Meloni or something 😛

  5. Steven Says:

    “Sometimes I feel like the process of coming out, is almost as tiring as staying in the closet. I so agree. I feel like a broken record sometimes having to explain myself all the time. I’m looking forward to the day when the scratch on the record mends itself.

    I seem to recall a sunroof that was in your “closet.” Keep it open for the fresh air and to see the rainbows. That “kiss” will come soon!! ((((John))))

  6. Steven (the other one) Says:

    Hey John, thanks for the shout out but now I am thinking you owe me some type of royalties for this post! Haha! ; )

    Some days I also feel like coming out is as tiring as staying in, however I never want to go back to the scared rabbit that I was. When ever someone tries to fix me up with a girl, I always want to say, “does she have a brother?”

  7. "Joe" Says:

    I know this won’t help with knowing what to reveal to whom. But I want to volunteer for that first kiss!

  8. BruceCleveland Says:

    I think I actually disagree with the people on this one. What harm would it have done you if you politely told the guy, “No thanks, I am gay and not interested.”? So he never invites you to cover with his girl and friends…you only talk with him at the gym. But think if you did say that, maybe his reaction would have been, “Oh I’m sorry…I’m an idiot for assuming. Well my fiancee does have this other friend and HE is a slut…so you should have no problem…his name is…” Then wow you would have had either a really good time or at least made a friend with someone who is gay friendly. But now you are stuck lying and make excuses everytime this guy decides it’s time for you to join him and his fiancee for coffee and you have subjected yourself for the never ending matchmaking on his part.

    I agree with you…there are people you tell, people you don’t tell because it’s none of your business…but then there are people you do tell so that you are not put into those awkward situations.

    What’s he going to do…beat you up in the showers because your gay? No he will either do what I said…or just stop talking to you and then you know even casual friends can be a**holes and don’t deserve your casual friendship.

    I am sorry if this sounds bitter and so against what everyone else says…but you know me and you know how I feel…i wouldn’t just give this advice willy-nilly.

  9. Steven ('cause we need another one) Says:

    ^I’d have to say that I’m leaning towards Bruce on this one. Would you have to say that you are gay? No. But saying something bluntly such as, I’m not interested in meeting new women will get the point across. He’ll either get “it” or at the very least, stop trying to set you up. Personally I think that it’s easier coming out to strangers or acquaintances because if they are okay with it–great, you can build a relationship; if not– well you never really lost anything.

  10. Doug Says:

    I noticed something implied in your post: it seems you have an order, a priority, of people and when they should know you’re gay.

    I’m thinking the guy at the gym can be used as an experiment, a test subject. You can come out to him with little or no impact to you. As Bruce says, he’ll either accept it in stride or leave you alone, but he won’t disown you because he doesn’t have that power.

    If he invites you over again, there’s no shame in saying, “Look, I told a white lie last time. The reason I didn’t want to come over was because I am gay and didn’t know how to say it before. So, do you or your fiancee know any single gay guys?”

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