Another Me

As I started coming out to more people, I have found myself more sensitive to more issues than I use to be. I have found myself to internalize more criticism than I use to. I don’t know how to handle advice anymore or even silly asides from joking friends and loved ones. I remember in school one time discussing the fact that men probably have some sort of PMS mental change going, only we don’t have physical proof–no seepage of bodily fluids. If this is true, I may have to be studied.

I have found myself tearful at the dumbest Hallmark card type commercials, or even when a friend of mine says something nice. I find myself defensive when someone says something mean, somethings wondering if those statements are indirectly directed at me. For instance the time at the gym when the muscle head said the word “faggidity” when referring to an openly gay man working out. I was not only offended but I told him that I was also a “spade” (look back to November 4th post). What an outburst! I usually am pretty level headed about reacting to situations like this.

I think as I take down the bricks of the wall that I once used to protect myself, I find that things get through much easier. Arrows thrown my way either purposely or without malice seem to land the most delicate points of me. I have to learn how to guard myself on a newer level. But I also have to learn how to let these arrows soar above and beyond me.

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7 Responses to “Another Me”

  1. Steven Says:

    John, I can be the same way also sometimes, I think maybe part of it is that we now know the arrows were always meant for us, even if they were directed at someone else.

  2. "Joe" Says:

    When we get honest with ourselves, the walls do start coming down. We are being more vulnerable with ourselves and with others. “Vulnerable” means “being able to be wounded.” And, as Steven said, we know that those arrows are meant for us.

    There is mourning to do. I wanted to be straight. Though there is joy in accepting myself, there is mourning for what I’ve “left behind.” It’s like re-entering the world with a new perspective. And there is a lot to adjust to. Go easy on yourself. This is a lot to handle along with all the rest of life. Be good to yourself.

  3. Doug Says:

    I think you’re getting in touch with the compassion with you. You have been hurt, so when you see others being hurt, you know their pain instinctively.

    I’m not sure about the hallmark card thing, though. I have similar experiences, and I’m not quite sure why we get so choked up over the simple things. It’s like they strike a chord within us and that chord resonates through us. But why now and not before?

    And I totally think I have male-PMS. Poster-boy. Is there a support group for it?

  4. BruceCleveland Says:

    John,

    It’s a process, whether gay or straight. When people build up walls to defend against attacks and start taking them down…feelings that have been walled up for so long tend to come out as the bricks are taken away. Doesn’t mean you are weaker or gayer. Even people who build walls up so that they don’t get hurt in love or those that build walls because they are a junkie…once those walls are taken down with good reasons…all this hidden thoughts, emotions and what not want to come out…see the light of the day…yes even at sappy commercials. Ask any straight guy who has cried at a kodak commercial or hallmark commercial…they will deny it even happens…but in private their wall is down and they ball…not because they are weak or gay…but because emotions are powerful and they have no one who can hurt them if they saw. Don’t look at it as a sign of weakness or gayness…look at it as sign of Humanity.

  5. Steven Says:

    What a post and subsequent comments to learn from. I feel the same way in some respects. And when someone does offend a fellow gay person, I also take offense. There has always been this “automatic” family feeling that I have with other gays and lesbians.

  6. urspo Says:

    dropping guard always means you are open to slings and arrows.
    and you will get hit some.
    but it is better than having the wall,

  7. Kris Says:

    It’s scary and exciting at the same time. I think the more vulnerable we are, the stronger we are since we open ourselves to feel more.

    I get like that though, sometimes I think sheessh, can you not be too emotional!? I watched Ratatouille and this one scene triggered something and I was crying for quite a bit. It’s a great movie!

    ps
    Thanks for writing about ‘Babe.’ I loved the movie and cried through it too 🙂

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