As I started coming out to more people, I have found myself more sensitive to more issues than I use to be. I have found myself to internalize more criticism than I use to. I don’t know how to handle advice anymore or even silly asides from joking friends and loved ones. I remember in school one time discussing the fact that men probably have some sort of PMS mental change going, only we don’t have physical proof–no seepage of bodily fluids. If this is true, I may have to be studied.
I have found myself tearful at the dumbest Hallmark card type commercials, or even when a friend of mine says something nice. I find myself defensive when someone says something mean, somethings wondering if those statements are indirectly directed at me. For instance the time at the gym when the muscle head said the word “faggidity” when referring to an openly gay man working out. I was not only offended but I told him that I was also a “spade” (look back to November 4th post). What an outburst! I usually am pretty level headed about reacting to situations like this.
I think as I take down the bricks of the wall that I once used to protect myself, I find that things get through much easier. Arrows thrown my way either purposely or without malice seem to land the most delicate points of me. I have to learn how to guard myself on a newer level. But I also have to learn how to let these arrows soar above and beyond me.