It’s around 2:30 a.m. I can’t sleep. I’m wondering why. I think it has to do with the fact that so many thoughts are swirling around in my head.
Yesterday, my cousin and I drove to our old university. It’s only 3 hours away and the weather channel said there would be no ice or snow for the day. She wanted to take a drive. I willingly volunteered to go with her. I love driving. And I love reminiscing with my cousin. We had so much fun together in undergrad. Although we had grown up together, I felt like we had grown closer and that unbreakable bond was formed when we went away to school together.
When I was up she help to steady the ladder so that I could keep climbing. When I was down, she held her hand out to pull to my feet again. In between, she helped me to keep the balance.
I thought I was going to be able to tell her that I’m gay. But the topic never came up. Or should I say I couldn’t find the courage to tell her. I couldn’t the strength to tell her. I was afraid that she might pull the ladder out from underneath me. I have only gone up a few rungs on this rainbow colored ladder. I don’t want it shoved. Even if the fall would only be a few feet, not even enough to break or bruise, I still want to keep going upward.
Now as I write this, my buddy M is one the phone with me. He was one of my best friends from undergrad. We lived on the same dorm floor, became friends, and then roommates. I called him about an hour ago because insomnia had hit me sometimes after midnight. Having been on our old campus, a flood of different emotions and thoughts had been spawned. I’m going to write a different post about the emotions that surfaced while walking through my old stomping grounds.
And now as I’m getting this all off my chest by writing a post about it and talking to M, I’m feeling a wave of sleepiness.
I’m going to write about my walk through the campus grounds later this week. Right now I’ve got to let M sleep (he’s got to be at work at 7 a.m.–and he’s still on the phone listening to me babble and write this) and I’ve also got to lay my head down.