Still A Little Cloudy

I am still feeling a little bit depressed.

I have had a couple sleepless nights. I’ve tossed and turned and usually I can plop down and sleep immediately. I’ve never experienced insomnia. I’ve never woken up in the middle of the night only to wonder why I woke up.

I hate this feeling of despair. I don’t know how to control it. I want to cry, but I know that crying over something so little is stupid, useless and doesn’t solve anything. It won’t change the fact that I didn’t match into a medical residency program. I know not getting matched into a program isn’t the end of the world. One of my former classmates called me and said that she knew someone who had tried for several years before getting matched (I think she said 4 years). Of course Lucy didn’t have to worry, since she matched into an internal medicine program. She told me that the key is persistance. I know that she was being helpful…that my best interest was at hand. However, I find it hard to swallow advice from someone who can’t possibly know what I’m feeling, seeing that the very thing I want, she already got–her first choice was her first match. I know that in some way I’m just sour graping. Logically my mind tells me that she was concerned. The selfish side of me wants to scream, “you have no idea because you didn’t have to go through reapplying and hearing the echo of a cricket at the end of the day”.

I’m not sure when these depressive feelings will lift. I hate not knowing where I’m going to be or what I’m going to be doing for a year. I have usually lived my life on a planned schedule (yes, I’m a bit obsessive when it comes to knowing what I’m doing and when). And in some ways I like having some control of my surroundings. In this case, I have no control and I see my career and life come to a halt with no warning.

I hate this…..


10 Responses to “Still A Little Cloudy”

  1. Kris Says:

    If you feel like crying, let it all out JM!! Not getting into the program might not be “little,” but from what I see, it means a LOT to you and that’s all that matters. I think crying really does help, it brings a certain relief of its own that can’t be brought upon by talking things through. Granted it doesn’t solve anything, it can be a start and you can go from there.. We’re cheering for you! Go down if you feel the need to be but don’t let it stop you completely… *Hugs*

  2. Jim Says:

    Uggh! John, I am so sorry to hear – that is rough. There is an enormous amount work that goes into getting to this point and its very disappointing not to get into your residency program of choice. But, your friend is right, persistence is key, whether she knows that from indirect experience or she is just trying to lift your sprits.

    Cry, scream – vent all you want. But dont lose your focus.

    ( I can send you my voodoo doll, it helped me when I didnt get into CDC – insert evil laugh here : ) )

  3. "Joe" Says:

    Crying may not change things, but it absolutely helps; screaming, too. Let the feelings out. they are real, and they have a physical component that should be (appropriately) expressed. And, the voodoo doll couldn’t hurt.

    Living in between is frustrating; that I know. Let go of what you cannot do. WIth courage, do what you can. Pray for discernment to know the difference.

  4. ink2metal Says:

    hey john,

    i can’t add much to what’s already been said. it’s all been good advice, especially about the crying and screaming. get it out! don’t dwell on what could have been or should have been. you have time now to re-evaluate your life plans and maybe find a different approach to getting into a residency program.

    i know it is hard to adjust right now, but in time things will become clear again. you will get over this and find your way. now, that’s an order!


  5. christopher Says:

    I know the feeling you’re going through. Problem being that once I got into a residency, I hated it. In fact, I dropped it and went to the route of preventative medicine and public health. Ever since, I’ve been quite content.

    In the meantime, just work through it as is best for you.


  6. Robert Says:

    It’s true, no one can ever tell you how you feel or to compare their experiences to yours… it’s never the exact same.

    It’s still a little cloudy, but remember to take the good with the bad, cuz it all makes it worthwhile in the end! *big hugs*

  7. urspo Says:

    your friend is right; i know many people who used persistance and it always paid off; they got into a programme of the speciliaty they wanted
    my sister in law took 3-4 years to get into medical school; my brother waited a year ro so to get into radiology.
    so if this is what you want; persist

  8. Doug Says:

    If I want to cry, I usually put in a sad movie. A little catharsis is liberating sometimes.

    From recent experience, time and acceptance will allow you to move forward. Accept the situation, give yourself time, and somehow things will look brighter the next day. I was told this while in a crisis, and it didn’t make any immediate difference. After I was through the crisis, however, the truth of the situation was clear. And I think deep down I knew I had no choice: accept that which we cannot change.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  9. Steve Rebooted Says:

    I agree with Urspo! I remember my brother was devastated over not getting into immunology. He was accepted into cardiology (of all things) his third choice. He then realized that he loved cardio and has been doing it for over 20 years now.

  10. Steven Says:

    I’m sorry to hear that you going through this terrible time of despair. However, I do have to concur with what many of our fellow bloggers before me have said. Especially with letting your feelings out. That’s one thing I tend to express almost too much. When you stated, “I have usually lived my life on a planned schedule…”, I heard myself saying those same words many times. If I was in your situation, I’m afraid I would be reacting the same way, until bloggers such as these would provide direction and/or reassurance. It may be a “little cloudy,” but it will eventually give way to sunny skies. (((((John)))))

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