I am still feeling a little bit depressed.
I have had a couple sleepless nights. I’ve tossed and turned and usually I can plop down and sleep immediately. I’ve never experienced insomnia. I’ve never woken up in the middle of the night only to wonder why I woke up.
I hate this feeling of despair. I don’t know how to control it. I want to cry, but I know that crying over something so little is stupid, useless and doesn’t solve anything. It won’t change the fact that I didn’t match into a medical residency program. I know not getting matched into a program isn’t the end of the world. One of my former classmates called me and said that she knew someone who had tried for several years before getting matched (I think she said 4 years). Of course Lucy didn’t have to worry, since she matched into an internal medicine program. She told me that the key is persistance. I know that she was being helpful…that my best interest was at hand. However, I find it hard to swallow advice from someone who can’t possibly know what I’m feeling, seeing that the very thing I want, she already got–her first choice was her first match. I know that in some way I’m just sour graping. Logically my mind tells me that she was concerned. The selfish side of me wants to scream, “you have no idea because you didn’t have to go through reapplying and hearing the echo of a cricket at the end of the day”.
I’m not sure when these depressive feelings will lift. I hate not knowing where I’m going to be or what I’m going to be doing for a year. I have usually lived my life on a planned schedule (yes, I’m a bit obsessive when it comes to knowing what I’m doing and when). And in some ways I like having some control of my surroundings. In this case, I have no control and I see my career and life come to a halt with no warning.
I hate this…..