Sorry Again

Darnit, each time I say I’m coming back, I forget and I don’t.

And I’ve really got no excuse. My family was all in town. We had a blast hanging out together. It never fails, no matter how grown up we’ve become, we revert to our childhood selves. Each one of us expecting the others to have the same personality we all had when we were in elementary school.

I’m expected to be more social and to organize some sort of gathering. Everyone asks me what everyone else is doing. But yet, I don’t really like to go out anymore and they know this. They all know that I usually end up staying home to catch the drunken 2 a.m. phone calls of “come get us”. And I also end up babysitting some of the the children. But yet on our first night together everyone turns to me and says “So what have we all planned for the weekend”. It’s nice knowing that although some things have changed, there are some things that you can rely on. For me, they can rely on the fact that I’m always going to be there for them.

Which brings me back to the question, why it’s so difficult for me to come out to any of my siblings and cousins. I see that everyone has matured in their own ways and that maybe it won’t be so bad to verbalize the fact that I’m gay. But there is that inner child that says “you are going to be picked last for dodge ball”. The fear that they will all stop relying on me for anything. And then everything will have changed.

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8 Responses to “Sorry Again”

  1. BearToast "Joe" Says:

    Let go of the outcomes. We don’t have any control over them anyway. And if i ain’t the pot calling the kettle black, I don’t know who is!

    I know that desire to be real and authentic. And the fear that goes with that. Keep struggling, and loving. Clarity will come.

    Glad to hear from you!

  2. urspo Says:

    when the inner child is running the show remind it grown ups don’t take orders from kids.

  3. Lemuel Says:

    What I hear in the last paragraph is that you are affirmed by their reliance on you.

  4. Troll at Sea Says:

    WindowMan:

    I suspect that they know. Some of them will tell you that they have always known, and a few will tell you in ways that hurt. But the ones who react worst may in time come around — there’s just no telling with people.

    But what your weekend sounds like to me is that most of them don’t care about anything but you.

    My free advice [worth exactly what you pay for it): tell them and let the chips fall where they may. A wise young man once said that the truth would set us free. I’m here to tell you that “freedom” is not always fun, but it is freedom. And that’s a good thing.

    T@C

  5. Doug Says:

    The next time they rely on you for event planning, plan a trip to a gay bar.

    Seriously, though, coming out to family is so tough because you feel you have that much more to lose vs. coming out to someone unrelated to you. But rather than focusing on what you might lose, maybe it would help to focus on what you will gain: the ability to be yourself and share your true self with your family.

  6. Robert Says:

    Open your window.

  7. Steve Rebooted Says:

    You’re gay? 😛

  8. Steven Says:

    “The fear that they will all stop relying on me for anything. And then everything will have changed.” And without everyone relying on you, you’ll be able to get out, live your life and have more fun! 😉

    You’re getting there. Imagine how many will say, “I already knew” or “I was wondering when you were going to tell me” when you eventually do tell them. 😀

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