Darnit, each time I say I’m coming back, I forget and I don’t.
And I’ve really got no excuse. My family was all in town. We had a blast hanging out together. It never fails, no matter how grown up we’ve become, we revert to our childhood selves. Each one of us expecting the others to have the same personality we all had when we were in elementary school.
I’m expected to be more social and to organize some sort of gathering. Everyone asks me what everyone else is doing. But yet, I don’t really like to go out anymore and they know this. They all know that I usually end up staying home to catch the drunken 2 a.m. phone calls of “come get us”. And I also end up babysitting some of the the children. But yet on our first night together everyone turns to me and says “So what have we all planned for the weekend”. It’s nice knowing that although some things have changed, there are some things that you can rely on. For me, they can rely on the fact that I’m always going to be there for them.
Which brings me back to the question, why it’s so difficult for me to come out to any of my siblings and cousins. I see that everyone has matured in their own ways and that maybe it won’t be so bad to verbalize the fact that I’m gay. But there is that inner child that says “you are going to be picked last for dodge ball”. The fear that they will all stop relying on me for anything. And then everything will have changed.