Today, I was recalling watching one of my niece’s school presentations. One of those presentations that included synchronized singing and dancing. The children themselves are cute and doing their best to remain in-step with the frantic music teacher in vivid animation acting out all the steps to the stage side (we can all see her though). Sometimes a child’s mind will wander and they will miss one motion, and will hurriedly go through all the motions to catch up. They don’t realize they don’t have to panic and can just pick up where they are suppose to be. I’m not sure if I am conjuring up the right image to give my blog thought any substance, but just imagine someone hurriedly trying to catch up.
When I first accepted myself as gay man, I thought there that’s it, I accept the fact that I am a gay man. I didn’t think about the journey that this acceptance would take me on. I thought I could live with this acceptance without making certain changes in my life. But these changes came. And they are good changes, as they have lifted my self-esteem to newer heights.
As ironic as it sounds, I feel like I have also developed a deeper relationship with God, I’ve prayed more and had deeper conversations with Him as well. I felt that accepting my lot would mean a clash with the spiritual side of me. I had been fooled into believing there is no place for me in a religious sect. I was wrong. More than anything, I’ve learned God loves us all.
My relationship with my friends that I have come out to has also changed. I feel like I can really speak to them without having to censor my thoughts. I don’t shove anything down their throat, nor do I hide any thoughts. Because of this new “freedom”, I feel our relationships have also matured and become the friendships that I have always wanted to have.
Recently, one of my friends (who is one of us) said to me, “you need to do this and that…you have so much catching up to do”. And while the thought of getting to do some of these activities excites me, I also thought that I was not taking a crash course, that I wanted this to be an on-going learning experience. I don’t want to hurriedly go through the motions to get to that certain point. I want to relish each step that I take in getting to where I am I suppose to be.