Catching Up

Today, I was recalling watching one of my niece’s school presentations. One of those presentations that included synchronized singing and dancing. The children themselves are cute and doing their best to remain in-step with the frantic music teacher in vivid animation acting out all the steps to the stage side (we can all see her though). Sometimes a child’s mind will wander and they will miss one motion, and will hurriedly go through all the motions to catch up. They don’t realize they don’t have to panic and can just pick up where they are suppose to be. I’m not sure if I am conjuring up the right image to give my blog thought any substance, but just imagine someone hurriedly trying to catch up.

When I first accepted myself as gay man, I thought there that’s it, I accept the fact that I am a gay man. I didn’t think about the journey that this acceptance would take me on. I thought I could live with this acceptance without making certain changes in my life. But these changes came. And they are good changes, as they have lifted my self-esteem to newer heights.

As ironic as it sounds, I feel like I have also developed a deeper relationship with God, I’ve prayed more and had deeper conversations with Him as well. I felt that accepting my lot would mean a clash with the spiritual side of me. I had been fooled into believing there is no place for me in a religious sect. I was wrong. More than anything, I’ve learned God loves us all.

My relationship with my friends that I have come out to has also changed. I feel like I can really speak to them without having to censor my thoughts. I don’t shove anything down their throat, nor do I hide any thoughts. Because of this new “freedom”, I feel our relationships have also matured and become the friendships that I have always wanted to have.

Recently, one of my friends (who is one of us) said to me, “you need to do this and that…you have so much catching up to do”. And while the thought of getting to do some of these activities excites me, I also thought that I was not taking a crash course, that I wanted this to be an on-going learning experience. I don’t want to hurriedly go through the motions to get to that certain point. I want to relish each step that I take in getting to where I am I suppose to be.

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8 Responses to “Catching Up”

  1. Daniel Says:

    I totally agree with you. There is no sequence of things that must be done in order to be gay. You are who you are. This isn’t the boy scouts, you don’t have to get your Pride badge, random hook up badge, or drag queen badge, in order to make it to the next level of gay. I say live your life the way you want to live it.

  2. Brad Says:

    Do it your own way at your own pace, because ultimately we all have.

  3. Troll at SEa Says:

    JM:

    As the boys say, do it your own way. It is true, however, that if your own way is WAY out of the ordinary, you will pick up a lot of lint from the so-called “gay community” for your trouble.

    This is one of the ways that we know we are living with people and not with God. As Gabriel said to Mary, when she questioned the annunciation, knowing her own set of facts: “with God, nothing is impossible.”

    I’ve always liked the sound of that.
    Loved the post.
    T@C

  4. Lemuel Says:

    Ditto. Ditto. I like your metaphor: like a child hurrying through the motions of a school play to catch up. Resist. Being gay is no different than being any other kind of human being. You are unique. Your life and experiences are unique. There is not need for you to do anything or to be anything that you are not. Life you own life – gay or straight – enjoy and experience each day and each opportunity as your own.

  5. Robert Says:

    I try not to label myself as anything. I believe that we’re all created equal and we just happened to act and think differently [isn’t that great? :-)]! There’s simply so much more to explore on who we really are. Happy weekend JM.

  6. Steven Says:

    How refreshing to hear you say that your self-esteem has been lifted to new heights. Kudos to you! And here’s to mature relationships! Those I have come out to say that I have become a lot more vocal with what’s happening in my life

    I remember having those “catching up” days when I first came out, too. But they were more related to the fact that I felt that I came out at a late age (25) in my life. I recall those friends I knew in college who were out and experiencing the life and I felt I really missed something.

    But remember that your journey will never end. There will be times when it seems like the journey needs to start over again after it has gone full circle (i.e., moving and meeting new people).

    And congratulations on your self-acceptance! (((((((JM)))))))

  7. BearToast Joe Says:

    Even though many “organized” faiths don’t make room for us, there are many that do. Yes, there is a very deeply spiritual side to being gay! I think it is part of us (in a different way than for straight folk).

    Step by step, the journey continues. Hey, I was 50 when I finally accepted myself as gay. Take about late starts!

  8. Tim Says:

    Such wisdom for one so “young!” Life is life–gay or straight–it comes as it will, and we learn as we must. There are no final exams to cram for, no papers to submit. Every day comes with its own lessons and tests, or as Jesus said, “Each day has enough trouble of its own.” After a while, you figure out that a lot of what’s gay today is passé tomorrow and you’re all too happy to let the parade pass without trying to jump on every float. The important stuff–the sensibilities, the icons, etc.–will be waiting when you get there. Take your time, make good choices, and most of all, be true to yourself. Being you is way more important than being gay.

    PS: Don’t miss today’s post over at my place–there’s something special I’d like you to see.

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