I went out with my friends again this weekend. We went to the same bar that we’ve been going to for the last couple weeks. And no, I didn’t dance. But we did practice beforehand. I just don’t see the point of dancing. It doesn’t make sense to me and so, the only people that will ever see me dance are those who visit Adam’s pre-bar outing.
Anyway, I hung out with the older couple again. I’ve mentioned them before a few posts back. I love hanging out with them and listening to their stories about how they met, the friends they’ve made along the way and how they’ve dealt with the changing times. It’s fascinating to hear how far they’ve come, how much they’ve changed and the differences they’ve seen along the way.
Is it weird that while I was sitting there in the bar that I suddenly felt this “I’m glad that that I’m here and that there are no people here to judge me. I’m glad that if I flirt (which I didn’t ) it would be okay and not offensive. That when the waiter gave me a wink–it was probably a sort of come-0n. That if I did go out on the dance floor and danced with someone, that I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not the guy was gay, he more than likely is. But the feeling, the pang of guilt feeling I had was…I was glad that I as a gay man, had a place to go where I was accepted, that there weren’t any straight guys around. I felt almost like I didn’t want them here, in our territory.
I did however want my friends to see me there, to see my level of comfort in a place where I didn’t have to tell anyone I was gay…they already know. Hopefully when they come to visit, they won’t mind going. After all I’ve gone out to their bars. I still however feel guilty that for those fleeting moments, I was glad that no heteros were around to push me back into a comfortable closet space. Because shouldn’t we all just get along and be able to be ourselves wherever we are, no matter where that place may be?