A Different Feeling

I went out with my friends again this weekend. We went to the same bar that we’ve been going to for the last couple weeks.  And no, I didn’t dance. But we did practice beforehand. I just don’t see the point of dancing. It doesn’t make sense to me and so, the only people that will ever see me dance are those who visit Adam’s pre-bar outing.

Anyway, I hung out with the older couple again. I’ve mentioned them before a few posts back. I love hanging out with them and listening to their stories about how they met, the friends they’ve made along the way and how they’ve dealt with the changing times. It’s fascinating to hear how far they’ve come, how much they’ve changed and the differences they’ve seen along the way.

Is it weird that while I was sitting there in the bar that I suddenly felt this “I’m glad that that I’m here and that there are no people here to judge me. I’m glad that if I flirt (which I didn’t ) it would be okay and not offensive. That when the waiter gave me a wink–it was probably a sort of come-0n. That if I did go out on the dance floor and danced with someone, that I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not the guy was gay, he more than likely is. But the feeling, the pang of guilt feeling I had was…I was glad that I as a gay man, had a place to go where I was accepted, that there weren’t any straight guys around. I felt almost like I didn’t want them here, in our territory.

I did however want my friends to see me there, to see my level of comfort in a place where I didn’t have to tell anyone I was gay…they already know. Hopefully when they come to visit, they won’t mind going. After all I’ve gone out to their bars. I still however feel guilty that for those fleeting moments, I was glad that no heteros were around to push me back into a comfortable closet space. Because shouldn’t we all just get along and be able to be ourselves wherever we are, no matter where that place may be?

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6 Responses to “A Different Feeling”

  1. Jim Says:

    No reason to feel guilty! As for you friends, they may have already had the experience. And if they havent it will be something new and different, which is good 🙂

  2. BearToast Joe Says:

    It is good to be with our own. There are no “comfortable closet spaces.”

  3. Steven Says:

    Amen to your closing sentence and I look forward to that day! 😀

  4. Troll at Sea Says:

    Steve-o:

    There is no community without building a wall that puts some inside and others outside the wall. Whether it is NASCAR aficionados or gay men among themselves, the sense of cohesion is directly proportional to the extent that “we” are on the inside and “they” are not.

    The trick is to belong to many constituencies and not become ideological about the importance of any one of them. I am an American pinko Christian faggot, and I love the 4th of July, the ACLU, communion, and men; my freedom is that none of my allegiances can define me.

    All the best.
    T@C

  5. Tim Says:

    T@C makes a strong case for community–and belonging to many communities in which we can openly express various aspects of our character with caution. Yet while many of us are strong enough to leap tall walls in single bounds, there are many others who get trapped inside or feel locked out. Unlike T@C, me, and no doubt most everyone else here, these people ARE defined by their allegiances or–sadly, sometimes tragically–by inaccessibility to communities where allegiances they seek are forged, encouraged, and protected.

    People make communities, not walls. And I join John and Steve praying for the day when we’ll all learn the art of living among “our own” out in the open along with everyone else living with “his/her own.” Fences may make good neighbors, as Robert Frost said, but walls are good for no one. They’ve got to come down.

    Peace and freedom, hope and kindness to all.

  6. Tim Says:

    Oops! Meant “express various aspects of our character WITHOUT caution”!

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