Screaming in my Head

The holidays this year is going to be a lot for me. People keep telling me that. I know it will be. Thanksgiving was difficult. It’s my first set of holidays without my beloved E. The person who along with my family made my holidays special. But the constant reminder from concerned loved ones makes me scream in my head!

I have been replying with assuredly that “I’m fine”. When inside my head I’m screaming “I’m not! I miss him more each day that passes”. I sometimes wake up thinking he’s still here beside me, only to realize it’s one of the fur babies who has climbed up beside me.

I know that it will get easier. I realize this. There are some days when it is an easy day. A day when I realize that he’s better off, with his parents and other friends who have passed before him. Days when I get through it without a crying breakdown. So I know that I will get through it.

But there are moments like yesterday when a text from out of the blue asked if I wanted to come over for Christmas dinner because “the holiday will be difficult for you and I just want to make sure you aren’t alone”. I shouldn’t complain. It’s a loving gesture and a caring friend who has always been there for the both of us. But when it was presented that way, it made me scream loudly and my head explode.

7 Responses to “Screaming in my Head”

  1. Mistress Borghese Says:

    I know how you feel, but I must remind myself they are trying to be kind and caring. but sometime being alone in what we need. It’s still fresh…healing and loss takes time, as I too will be finding out with a lost.

  2. Sassybear Says:

    I’m so sorry for your struggle and the pain brought by good intentioned but poorly thought out comments and invitations. Wishing you strength and stamina to navigate this time of year with grace and gumption.

  3. Sixpence Notthewiser Says:

    Aww Bae.
    So sorry to hear that. People do try to be nice, but for heaven’s sake!
    Sending hugs.


  4. Kirk Says:

    Whether alone or surrounded by friends, whatever can get you through this. It may not even be one or the other, but the former one day and the latter the next.

  5. Matt Says:

    Hang in there, JM, and be kind to yourself. Just take it one day at a time because that is all you can do.

  6. Asheville Massage Therapist Says:

    People do mean well. They just haven’t been through it and don’t know what it’s like; they have no references to know how difficult their words are for you right now. Wishing much love for you, and great kindness, J

  7. Urspo Says:

    One of our habits is to see someone in grief and ‘want to do something’. We hate seeing others suffer so. Alas words are lame and useless and most action only worsens the matters.
    One has to let another be in grief after telling them I am thinking of you and I am around for you.

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