Dreams

I spent most of the weekend binging Coming Out Colton. It made me laugh and cry. I thought about my own journey. I thought about wasted moments when I could have told friends earlier and lived my truth. I remembered awkward silences with friends who soon dropped out of my life. I remember my sister’s tight hug after I came out to her and my brother saying “we understand your lifestyle”. Lifestyle??? I laughed when I think about his reaction.

Last night I had a dream that I dated one of the popular girls in my seventh grade class, Regina. In my dream I was so scared that Regina would find out I was gay. In my dream, I thought about how scary it would be to make-out with her (also how icky it would be). And the last thing I remember about the dream was Regina saying we should make out.

Although I went with three girls in my life time, they were all innocent. I never kissed any of them. I danced with them at Halloween dances or held hands with them at the roller rink. Couples skate was fun and the furtherest of intimacy with any of them for me.

Coming out is a journey that most of us will never stop taking. Each time I meet someone, I have to navigate whether I will come out to them. I think about how easy it is today and how difficult it was long ago. I also think about how I can shrug off disparaging remarks now. It does get easier.

6 Responses to “Dreams”

  1. Mistress Borghese Says:

    I never had a coming out ball. I was “Out” when I came out!!!!! My mother swears I was lifted from a pool of glitter from her C section.

    I was always gay and that was that,

  2. Kirk Says:

    Funny. I never found being with a girl “icky”. Just forgettable. Instantly forgettable. Like a second after whatever the erotic exchange, it’s like it never happened. Had I found it icky or revolting or disgusting or any of the things many gays say they hate about sex with the opposite sex, I wonder if I would have come to terms with it quicker.

  3. mcpersonalspace54 Says:

    Coming out for me was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It is still hard. I can’t explain why really. Maybe it is because I really don’t want to be different, but alas, I cannot change who I am.

  4. Sixpence Notthewiser Says:

    Dreams are totally funny. And I kissed several girls way back then. As Kirk says, they were totally forgettable. I think they saw me as something they could not have, so they went for me.
    I’ve always been super gay, so….

    BTW, is this the Colton who was a stalker to a girl in some tv reality series?

    XOXO

  5. rjjs8878 Says:

    I watched Coming Out Colton too. Part of me liked it but then I realized he’s just another reality show participant turned media whore. Notice I didn’t call him a star? I guess he’s doing some good for those who are questioning their sexuality. I doubt he wouldn’t receive media attention if he wasn’t handsome with a great body.

  6. Matt Says:

    I haven’t watched that one but it sounds interesting, JM. I am glad your experience has improved over the years and I imagine you are a good mentor for some folks struggling with their reality.

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