Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Hugs

September 10, 2021

I was once told that if someone hugs you first, don’t be the first to let go. I thought it might be proper etiquette and that’s why you don’t let go until they do. However, I have come to realize that sometimes the hugger may need the hug more than the huggee.

Despite the oncoming pandemic, I have accepted dinner invitations out with friends I haven’t seen in a long time. Yes, precautions were taken. The places we are dining must have outdoor seating and our reservations have to be on the outdoor patio. So there’s that.

Two different friends over the course of a month have extended invitations. One friend in particular whom I haven’t seen since my partner passed hugged me tightly and started crying uncontrollably. She didn’t let go for well over five minutes. People starred. She kept whispering “I’m so sorry that you are going through this…you need us, you need your family and friends and I’m here”. The second friend at a different dinner hugged me tightly and said “I wanted to reach out sooner, I should have, I didn’t know what to say to take the pain away”. And again, she didn’t let go for a very long time.

Yes, I needed the hugs and it was comforting. But I also realized they were also both grieving and needed to resolve their grief. He is so loved. He has many friends. Friends that I should reach out to and ask if they are okay. I miss him so much, probably more today as I make my way through my new journey without him. But I know that his friends are grieving and it’s time I checked on them. They have done a fabulous job of checking on me. I need to return the favor.

Motivation

August 26, 2021

I can’t seem to get motivated to diet. I attended a church event a couple weeks ago and there were pictures taken and I look overweight. I don’t only look overweight, but I stepped on the scale and about passed out. Where did this weight come from? I know where it came from–chips, wine, beer, Little Deb snack cakes, gummies, and fast food.

My partner and I use to order food from one of those prep places. The foods were Weight Watcher friendly. E was a weight watchers fanatic. And so my weight was controlled. It was easier having someone hold me accountable. Since he passed, the regimen has gone out the door. He did the grocery shopping and bought mostly fruit, veggies and nuts to snack on. I do the grocery shopping and I’m like a kid in a candy store.

I tried the past several weeks to use the WW app. And I do good early in the week and then I start to slip. It’s a little bit of this and little bit of that and soon by Sunday, I’ve eaten everything in sight. Everyone keeps telling not to be so hard on myself, but yikes I don’t like this extra weight. I use the treadmill a lot. I just need to stop eating!!

Okay. Rant over. Whining over. I know I’ll get there. Just need a kick start.

Dreary Cloudy Days

August 18, 2021

When I took a brief walk this morning, I was instantly brought back to a time in my life when I lived with my cousin in New York City. I was on summer break my sophomore year in college. My cousin was a publisher and convinced my parents that I should get a summer job. He knew of a temp agency that would provide work as needed. I jumped on the opportunity and boarded a plane for New York.

I remember the first assignment the agency gave me. It was a secretarial position (basically a typing pool–like the scene from 9 to 5). A huge room with people just typing documents that were handed to them. I was not typing but stuffing envelopes. Anyway, when I stepped off the subway, it was cloudy and a bit dreary, but hot and humid. I was excited. I loved the smell of the city, the sounds, the feel.

I worked several “assignments” that summer. My favorite was being on the floor at Saks Fifth Avenue. The floor manager wanted to hire me permanently. I thanked her but told her I was just there for the summer and the position should go to someone who would need it more and was staying or living in the city.

Such a fun time in my life. I was more carefree (yet still way in the closet–funny line from Young and Hungry: “you are so far in the closet that you are in Narnia”).

Groundhog Day

August 6, 2021

Are we headed into another pandemic?

I know that it’s probably divisive to write about it here. But I’m a believer that the masks and the vaccine will help. I don’t see the harm in wearing a mask. I don’t look at it as a political issue. And I don’t know why people think it is an infringement of their freedom. I’m going to use the seatbelt law as an example. In most states, wearing a seatbelt is the law. Going the speed limit is the law. It’s a safety issue and also in some ways restrictive right?

My partner passed away after being admitted to the hospital for covid. He was on the vent. His oxygen levels never got better. He had no underlying health issues. He biked. He jogged. He pretty much watched what he ate. He was careful.

I don’t understand why people don’t think this is real. I get that some don’t trust the vaccine. But what harm comes from having to mask up?

Vacation

August 2, 2021

We had a memorial for my partner last weekend. It brought up all kinds of memories and difficult sad feelings. I did get through the eulogy, which many people told me was beautiful and on-point. I thought I stuttered through it and broke a few times. I also noticed that I talked about him in the present tense “he is the kindest person I know. he is the love of my life…etc”. I wonder if anyone noticed.

I went on vacation on Sunday. I went to Florida. It was nice to be on vacation. I haven’t gone on a real vacation since forever. It felt good. I hung out with a bunch of friends I’ve known since pre-school or maybe even before that. I just remember these friends always being in my life. In fact I don’t remember a time when they weren’t. Our parents are all friends and so they passed that onto us. We refer to each other as cousins just because it felt good and solidified our relationships. We still introduce ourselves as cousins.

Now, why do we always come back more tired from a vacation than before we left. While I was lying by the pool, I was so relaxed. And now, just exhausted. I shouldn’t be. I slept in…way way way too much. I didn’t do anything. Anything! Well I drank, hung out with friends and ate way too much. Way too much. I’m not getting on the scale for a long time. A long time. I need to get on the treadmill and get a trainer.

Dreams

July 19, 2021

I just woke up from the strangest dream. It was quite vivid though, sights, sounds, smells, feels…all of that!

In the dream I was on a boat. The boat’s flooring had slits in it, so we could feel the water at our feet, but the boat wasn’t sinking. How I got on the boat or why I was on the boat, I don’t know. There was another guy on the boat. Average looking, but good looking none the less.

The guy was waiting for my answer. He didn’t really speak, but in my mind I knew he was waiting for an answer. The question? “Will you give me your virginity”.

In the dream I remember thinking “if I do this, we can’t go in the water. There will be blood and there are sharks. And sharks can smell blood for thousands of miles”. I then said “yes” and he came to me and as I put my arms around him to kiss him…I woke up.

What in the world? And why? And how? And I didn’t even recognize the guy the in my dream. Never have seen him before. He was a 40 something, with brown hair, about 5’9″, green eyes. Still this dream is stuck in my head. And I’m sure I’ll think about it all day long. BTW, virginity? That shipped has sailed!

Been Awhile

July 14, 2021

I know I haven’t visited for awhile. I do miss you guys—a lot!

No real excuse. I started the masters in social work program. It takes up most of my time that’s left after I work. I still need my full time job to live, and by live I mean all the adulting stuff like pay bills, eat, and pay more bills. But I’m excited. I love learning. I love exploring. I love opening up my mind and interacting with other students.

I’ve also been planning my partner’s memorial service. Talking with the pastor and his relatives has me emotionally wiped out. Thinking about it, well I always think about him, dredged up some emotions I thought I had already dealt with. But I think I will never truly deal with those emotions. The sadness will always be there, at least the missing him will always be there. I do believe that he is the love of my life and will probably never be replaced in my heart. I know that I will meet someone else. But he’ll always be the love of my life.

Off topic, I think my pup needs to start wearing diapers. She’s 14 and has woken up in the middle of the night and not gotten me up. Last night I woke up cause she jumped off the bed and made a thud sound. I followed her into the guest bathroom where she then squatted and peed. Maybe she was sleep walking, but usually when she has to pee or poop, I get a look or a whine that she wants to go outside. This was the second time this week she did this. One of my friends said put a diaper on her at night. Last night when I walked into the guest bathroom, the look on her face was one of shame/sorrow. As peeved as I was, I told her it was okay, it was only pee and we could wipe it up. I hugged her and she still had this look of sorrow/shame. I also think that she still misses her “real” daddy a lot. The man who adopted/rescued her when she was only a couple months old from the shelter.

To quote Shife, I will do better. I’ll pop in more often and also read your blogs.

Casual Conversation

June 22, 2021

My church has recently opened itself up to in person service. During the pandemic, they used zoom and FaceBook live for services.

I have missed going to church and seeing my church family. And the last couple weeks have been a blessing both spiritually and personally. I’m a social extrovert by nature. I love being around people. I flourish in social settings.

The last few weeks, parishioners have expressed their condolences for my loss and tell me how much they miss my partner. Although they have sent cards and letters, letting me know in person that they’ve been thinking about me has been conversation. One friend said “I don’t see you two as separate, I see you as one person”. She meant it as a compliment, but it made me ache. He and I both were involved in many church activities.

When they ask how I’m doing, I reply “I’m hanging in there, taking it one day at a time”. What I want to say, but I don’t is that “I’m broken. I ache. I miss him so much that some days it’s unbearable”. I want to say “I wish I could scream out loud without someone thinking I am crazy”. But I don’t think most people, in a casual conversation want to hear this. When they ask “how are you doing”, do they really want an itemized list, or just the expected “I’m fine, how are you”.

So Shines A Good Deed

June 2, 2021

One of my favorite quotes from the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is “So shines a good deed in a weary world”. Gene Wilder had his back turned to Charlie when the boy placed the everlasting gobstopper beside him (indicating that he would not sell out to Slugsworth).

I would be remiss if I didn’t write about the passing of a fellow blogger, Anne Marie. When a text came in from a friend, I was shocked. Neither of us could believe it. We had to make sure the news was true, that it wasn’t misread. Like many other fellow bloggers, I will truly miss her.

When I started blogging again, to write about my grief over losing a partner, she would comment with small pep talks, just a few simple words of encouragement. That small deed, her simple notes letting me know to hang on, felt like hugs. The words were sincere, and I could feel the sincerity and the love behind them.

I leave you with some of her advice “dance like nobody is watching”.

Rest In Peace Anne Marie. You are loved and will be remembered.

Every Day

May 26, 2021

I still think of my partner every day. When the pets act up, I want to pick up the phone and send him a text telling him in detail that they are misbehaving. I want to tell him about how they are doing, what they are doing and that our babies are having a good day.

I had a dream about him yesterday. In the dream, my cousins were going out to eat and I told him I was going to go with him. He said “how are you going to pay”? I replied that I would borrow money (not sure why I didn’t have money to go out to eat–but I digress). In the dream he said that he would take care of it. And then we fooled around a bit. I woke up with a sense that he would always watch over me, look out for me and with a sense of how much he cared.

I was talking with one of our friends on Sunday. He told me that he sometimes forgets that they can’t text one another, until he reaches for his phone and then remembers. We realized it would be like that for a long time, if not forever.

I ate at a new restaurant this week. And as I was browsing the menu, I thought to myself “you would not like that or that…but you would get this and make me try a piece”.

I think of him every day. And I miss him more now than he first passed away.