Lazy Vacations

I took a few days off and flew down to see my parents. They retired several years ago and moved to Florida. The house they live in was our vacation home for years, so lots of memories here.

I have done absolutely nothing. Literally have done nothing but eat, sit by the pool, and sleep. I feel like a dog. However, I feel good and relaxed. The first day was tough. I immediately woke up and checked email and then was stressed. But now, the third day in, I’m good.

It’s what vacations are for right? Doing nothing…

Crazy Busy

I have not gone away…I’m still here. But my life has been crazy busy!

I’ve joined an LGBTQ book club and that has been fascinating. So I am back to reading again. TV has been left off for a bit. Because the weather is nicer, and some mandates have been lifted, volunteer work is back in full swing (so that has occupied a lot of my time). Just so many things happening.

I’m taking a small vacation. Going out of town with my sister. A much needed break on my part.

And I’m interviewing for a new company. So wish me luck. I promise, during vacation I’m going to catch up on all the blogs that I have sincerely been missing!!

Tea and Exercise

One of my friends last weekend told me that my skin looked fabulous and wanted to know my secret.

I don’t believe I have a secret. I use a charcoal based soap to wash it in the morning. If I remember, I do wash it in the evening before bed. I do use Oil of Olay. But I have been doing that for years. I use a mask occasionally (these 2.99 cent ones that you can get at Krogers).

The one thing I have changed, is that I’m drinking a lot more tea and I’m getting on the treadmill on the daily. I have also given up gluten. Giving up gluten has done wonders for my stomach. I don’t feel as bloated.

I have looked forward to my treadmill stint. What started as an office team challenge (we signed up virtually to do the Share the Run walk/run). I pledged 100 miles. And I didn’t want to let myself or team down, so I I worked it. I got in between 4-7 miles a day. February is a short month, so had to work harder.

I have gotten in the 100 miles and I have 4 days left to get in some extra. Will I stop? Nope. I feel too good after my walk. And I listen to great podcasts while on it.

My conclusion is, there is magic in the tea and sweating out toxins through my pores might be the trick. And it might be that I’m smiling more? Sweating it out does wonders for stress relief.

Is it Friday Yet

Having a horrible week. Just personally. Not any single event, but an accumulation of everything all at once.

I did get to have dinner with some good friends on Tuesday, so that was certainly a high. I’m still chatting with someone on the “friendship” app. Not sure what to make of it though. Since we are chatting in the friendship profiles, he might be straight? I know…I could always use another friend. He’s made no mention of any relationships he has had. I have mentioned that I’m widowed and that my partner had passed.

Dealing with probate court is a nightmare. My advice to everyone is to get their business in order. Have a will. I know that my J didn’t expect to pass away. Other than life insurance, he didn’t name anyone on anything. So his sibling and I are navigating this whole nightmare without any proof of where he wanted anything to go. We aren’t arguing with one another, just with the court. Since this whole nightmare began I have definitively named beneficiaries on everything that I own.

Okay…that’s my vent. And my playing my tiny violin. I look forward to having lunch on Saturday with some friends too.

Boredom

So I did a thing the other day…I got on an app (with a little push from a friend). She told me the app has the option of looking for friends. It also had the option to look for dates too. I opted to look for friends. I’m certainly not ready to go on date yet. But I think news friends, I can handle for now.

It’s not that I don’t have a lot of friends. Indeed I do. But perhaps I’ll find someone who is just as lonely as I am and needs company? I don’t know. I don’t know how this virtual world works. I am also not one to go to bars and find someone. I wish meeting people was easy. As for set ups, I always work they won’t work. And then returning to that common friend might be awkward–worse yet, I will be slowly eased out of the group–as they may like the “setee” more than me.

My friend asked me why I felt guilty about setting up a profile. I asked her what would people think? It’s just been a little over a year since the love of my life passed away. She said “F” people if they don’t understand the grieving period or that you still don’t grieve. My therapist says that things will happen naturally and that grief will always be a part of my life. He said something really brilliant in my opinion. He said we don’t move away from grief, but we move forward with it.

I did get a hit though. A nice looking guy my age messaged me. I can’t tell from pictures or messages if he is gay or straight, but I don’t think that matters to me right now. Maybe a friendship will blossom and if so, to quote Air Supply “two less lonely people in the world”. Maybe it won’t. I’ll just wait and see.

It’s Still His Stuff

I have my partner’s iPad and his Surface. And I don’t know his password, so I have never tried to open them to peer inside. I keep them because they were his. I have kept so much of his stuff, including clothing, which I sometimes wear.

I have thought about asking someone to unlock his iPad and Surface. I just want the pictures that may be in them (of us, our pets and his selfies). But I also think, he may have had some other private things in there–a journal or even emails, conversations with friends and other things.

I know he didn’t have a secret life. And he told one friend who later said to me “he told me he would never cheat on you, that he loved you”. So yes, I don’t believe he had a secret life.

But there are conversations that are privy right? And things from the past that are better left in the past (the life he lived before I came into his). And perhaps moments of anger that were written during arguments that I shouldn’t see. Or even private moments that is better left unknown.

I have my memories and they both warm my soul and sadden me for all I have lost.

I’ll keep them. They remind me of him. But I doubt I’ll even have them unlocked. After all they are still his and so am I.

Scammers

I don’t know why thieves believe they can get away with scamming someone in emails, on-line social media or phone calls. It gets on my last nerve. The other day, while on FB, I got a friend request from my aunt. I didn’t remember her requesting one before (although she had and I accepted). She doesn’t post very often, in fact not since I first accepted her request years ago. Anyway, I accepted. A few hours later, I got a message from my aunt.

Looking back, I should have been suspicious. She didn’t address me by my childhood nickname. In fact she didn’t address me at all (and she always does using said nickname–in texts on phone calls). She went into “how are you”. I thought she was asking as my partners heavenly birthday is coming up. I told her I was fine and how much I missed the love of my life. She then responded with “I’m not doing good, my rheumatoid arthritis, my asthma and my other illnesses are catching up”. Boom! My aunt doesn’t have any of these ailments.

I quickly blocked her and then went through my friends list looking for that duplicate. Found it. We had no friends in common and her profile was pretty blank.

When I do get scam like phone calls, I do admit if I’m in a playful mood, I will “F” with the caller. Frustrating them by asking dumb questions. Once someone called about renewing my car warranty and I asked if they could also include my Big Wheel, as I have had it since the 70’s and I’m sure my warranty was long gone. I then asked if he had the little ribbons that attached to the handles could be thrown in as a bonus. More often than not, I ignore phone numbers I don’t recognize.

Anyhoo…I hate spammers, scammers, thieves. But I do like Cher’s song “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves”.

Too Much Television

I need a hobby. I don’t know where to begin.

One of my friends on FB posted a survey. It listed 100 television shows/series and asked us to put a mark beside any show we watched more than six episodes. I marked a total of 40 something shows. Aaack, almost 50 percent. That is a lot of television.

Lately, I have been sitting on the couch and adding more series to that list. Last night, I was texting a friend and said I have been mindless for the past couple months. These past two years have been a blur to me. With the exception of JE’s passing, I have really no idea what I have done this year. Nothing I feel like I truly accomplished.

I’m going to take that last statement back. I have gotten more involved with my church and those group activities. So my Sundays are spent almost all day church related.

Tonight, my plans are to keep the television off. To pick up that book I have been meaning to finish and to play some Sims 4 (my secret vice). I have created a Sims world in which everyone is gay!! One of the things I love about Sims is they have created a trans character (a townie–in Sims lingo). As one of my friends has said “turn off the noise” (in regards to technology). I will do just that. No texting, no television. Perhaps just some music in the background. And the technology of that game I love so much.

Dreams

I spent most of the weekend binging Coming Out Colton. It made me laugh and cry. I thought about my own journey. I thought about wasted moments when I could have told friends earlier and lived my truth. I remembered awkward silences with friends who soon dropped out of my life. I remember my sister’s tight hug after I came out to her and my brother saying “we understand your lifestyle”. Lifestyle??? I laughed when I think about his reaction.

Last night I had a dream that I dated one of the popular girls in my seventh grade class, Regina. In my dream I was so scared that Regina would find out I was gay. In my dream, I thought about how scary it would be to make-out with her (also how icky it would be). And the last thing I remember about the dream was Regina saying we should make out.

Although I went with three girls in my life time, they were all innocent. I never kissed any of them. I danced with them at Halloween dances or held hands with them at the roller rink. Couples skate was fun and the furtherest of intimacy with any of them for me.

Coming out is a journey that most of us will never stop taking. Each time I meet someone, I have to navigate whether I will come out to them. I think about how easy it is today and how difficult it was long ago. I also think about how I can shrug off disparaging remarks now. It does get easier.

It’s Cold

I had the day off yesterday (took a personal day) and I did nothing. I’m talking absolutely nothing!!!!

I did venture out to the gym and walked on the treadmill for a couple miles. And I bought some liquid stuff for a clogged pipe.

Okay, I did do some things, but other than that I didn’t do much else. I may have gotten up from the couch to use the bathroom. But I played some video games, watched some television and read a few articles. But I didn’t allow myself to think about work or any world problems.

I feel wonderful today. I think I need to take more week days off.