Commercials, Winners, More Snow

February 8, 2021

I like watching the SuperBowl. I loved going to the Super Bowl parties and cheering on a team with my buddies.

This year, due to Covid, it was different. None of my friends had anyone over. The numbers are still pretty high here in Ohio. So we texted our cheers and ate our favorite snacks mostly by our lonesome.

I look forward to the commercials. This year, there really wasn’t a memorable one for me. Well, I did enjoy the Jason Alexander sweatshirt one. Pretty hilarious.

I was happy that Tampa Bay won. Since my family has been vacationing in the Sarasota area for over 20 years now (and my parents have retired to that vacay home), I have always cheered them on. However, I am a staunch New York Giants fan (make no bones about it). The game started out pretty boring, but then picked up. I may have scared the cats and dog a couple times with my loud cheering.

We are suppose to get some snow tomorrow and Wednesday. My cousin told me that we are expecting 1-3 inches each day. Ugh. More snow. My pup won’t walk in it. Hopefully she will do her business on the balcony, as I don’t want to walk in it either.

Snow…Nowhere To Go

February 1, 2021

We got a ton of snow. Well, somewhere between 5-8 inches. Perhaps not 8, more like 5 (at least in my area). When I took the pup out on Saturday night for her last pee, around 9:30 p.m., it was cold outside but there was nothing on the ground. When she woke me at 6:30 a.m. for her morning ritual, I pulled back a curtain the grounds were covered. You couldn’t even see the road.

I tried a thing. Salt burns her feet. About a month ago I ordered some doggie boots. She was not having it. She wouldn’t walk with them on. I struggled to get them on her. While she didn’t nip at my hands while I put them on, she wasn’t voluntarily giving me her feet. And then she just stood there statuesque. I called for her at the door but she stood her ground.

I’m glad I had no appointments, no errands to run. It was a lazy day in the household. I played Sims 4 all day long. I was going to read, but nah. I didn’t want to put in any thinking effort. The only effort I made was to eat junk food and drink some cider.

Smile

January 24, 2021

One of the things that has helped me has been getting out of my home. It started with a college friend insisting that we have dinner. She wasn’t taking no for answer and so I relented. When I got into the car she asked how I was doing and during a hug, the tears came.

Dinner I thought would be horrific because being out in public and the thought I would break down had my anxiety shoot up. But my friend asked for an out of the way booth in the back. And I just talked–did a lot of the talking in fact. It was good to be out…off the couch and not in pajamas.

And that was all it took. I started accepting coffee meetings, lunches and dinner. And it’s Sunday now. And I have been out and about.

The smiles that friends and loved ones had on their faces when I walked through doors or met them was exactly what my heart needs to help me heal.

January 20th

January 20, 2021

What a beautiful day! What wondrous speeches! How inspiring! And hope for tomorrow!!

Despite the sadness in my life, those speeches! Wow!

Not Even A Week

January 15, 2021

It hasn’t even been a week since you’ve been gone. I’ve gotten phone calls, texts, posts all in support. And between tears and a little bit of anger, I feel numb. I never understood what was meant when anyone said they felt numb. How do you feel numb? I think I know. There are moments when I just don’t feel anything. Just sit here and stare blankly at the television.

I was telling someone that I freaked out because I couldn’t remember what he smelled like.

I wonder what the fur babies are thinking? Do they know he’s gone? They have been somewhat more clingy lately. But do they know that he’s not coming back? I know he is not. But do I really know? I wake up thinking this is just a dream. And reality sinks in when I stare at the empty side of the bed.

This is a nightmare. And I don’t know if I will ever wake up.

Broken

January 11, 2021

I have no words right now. I have never felt so broken in my life. I have never felt so alone even though I am surrounded by the love of friends, family and loved one.

I said goodbye to my everything yesterday. He took his last breath in the afternoon.

One minute I’m fine and I think, it was his time to go. My mother said to me “he was a good man and only the good die young”. He was so good. He was so good to me. And I will never feel this kind of love ever again. H was and will always be my everything.

The outpouring of text and phone calls have meant a lot. I feel bad that I don’t communicate more with the condolences. I have just answered with “thank you, it’s appreciated”.

Meeting with the funeral home later today.

Thank you so much for the support you have extended these past couple weeks It means so much. And I feel like I know you all, more than just virtually.

Glad 2020 is Gone. 2021 Bumpy Start

January 6, 2021

I am numb. My partner was transferred to a different hospital campus, one that has 24 hour critical care available. They couldn’t get his breathing and oxygen under control. I don’t know if his anxiety played into it. He has some anxiety issues. In a lot of the doctors notes (his sister and I have access to his chart), there are a lot of notes about his anxiety and how they need to get that under control.

Using his FB page, one of his relatives posted to pray for him and updated what she knew about his disposition. Both his sister and I have been suddenly flooded with people asking us questions, most of the answers which we don’t have. It’s exhausting fending them off. They are well wishers but still I don’t have the bandwidth to answer people when I do have the knowledge, much less have to say “I don’t know”.

I’m exhausted and I just want my phone to stop dinging with “how’s it going texts, do you need anything, how’s he doing, what’s his status”.

I need a mental break. I’m so glad I have you guys to vent to. Friends who will listen.

Happy New Year

January 1, 2021

This year has been awful. There are so many awful things that happened.

But there have been many amazing things too. My bestie from college gave birth to her third child. She and her wife are blessed. I got a raise at work. My friend got a job that he has wanted for awhile. I learned to cook. Since I started working from home, and my partner still had to go into the office, I took up some cooking. He usually did the cooking, but I thought why not, I’ll give it a try. I enjoy it. It’s frustrating, but at the same time rewarding.

Once again, I’m going to have to say I reconnected with old blog friends. And I made amazing new ones.

Here’s to 2021!!

2020…please go away

December 27, 2020

My partner was diagnosed with COVID about a week ago. We have been vigilant. The moment he thought he had a fever, he wore a mask when he was around me. He stayed in the guest bedroom (it has it’s own bathroom so he was self sufficient in many ways). I have left food trays by the door. He washes the dishes in the bathroom sink and sets them out again. He was basically a prisoner in the guest room.

A couple days ago he was short of breath. He went to the ER, where they discharged him on acetominophen and vitamin D. A day later, the shortness of breath got worse and he was taken by ambulance to the hospital where he was admitted.

I’m scared. I’m frightened. Every little cough I suddenly think “oh gosh now I have it”. I’m not running a fever and have no other symptoms. But there is still that nagging thought, what if I get it too. What if mine is worse. Who will watch our fur babies?

He has texted that he feels better. That his breathing is better. He’s getting the proper medication. They are watching him vigilantly and having him do breathing exercises to open up his lungs.

People texting their support, but also asking every couple hours “any news”. It can be nerve wracking. I know they are concerned, however people asking me about updates, when I don’t have any just makes my anxiety go wacky! I don’t want to be rude as many are family members or really good friends. But I don’t have answers yet. Every text I get, I sigh. I think who is asking now?

If you pray, please say a prayer for my partner. I know he will make it through this. He’s fairly healthy. He has no underlying co-morbidities. When he was first tested positive, he was okay for the first couple days (just ran a slight fever). He even had the energy to work from home. And then he suddenly said he didn’t feel like he could take a deep breath. I can’t believe he was discharged from the ER the first time. I get that they are overworked and overloaded, but he was really gasping for air.

He’s my everything. I need him to fight and win this.

Happy Holidays

December 24, 2020

I just got off the phone with one of my besties from college. We have been friends for almost 30 years! We have broken one another’s hearts. We have fought like enemies who truly hated one another. There were times when we got too busy to answer one another’s letters, phone calls or texts. Months would go by without contact. But through it all, we loved one another. Had I not been gay, she probably would have been my soul mate. However, not sure if I would have been hers.

She said that she felt things were taking a turn for the better. She remains hopeful because of the vaccine. Being an emergency room physician, she was one of the first to it. Having researched it thoroughly, she proudly stood in line for it. Her place of work did not require that she take it, so she voluntarily did.

In the midst of our conversation she said “things will be different next year”. She clarified that we will remember this time, this crazy pandemic and continue to be saddened by the lives lost. She then said one of the things she has learned was to tell those she loved that she loved them. And then she said “I love you”. She explained we get busy and we forget to tell each other those things. We forget that we should skip that nap and have brunch with one another. It was an amazing phone call and I was warmed by it and cried a little bit.

Over the years, my blogging has waxed and waned. I started as I’ve explained because I need a safe place to vent, to come out and to make friends. I have made many friends. And now that I’m writing and reading more regularly, I have rekindled old friendships and made new ones. I realized too that I need to blog and to read yours as well.

I am going to start by skipping that nap and tell you all that I do appreciate our growing friendships. I appreciate all who take the time to read and comment (and even those who don’t comment). I look forward to reading your posts, learning about each and every one of you. As I read your posts, I imagine sitting across from you, sipping either coffee, tea or a gin and tonic. I laugh with you, have even cried with you and virtually hugged all of you.

Happy holidays! Here’s to skipping that nap and watching our friendships grow!