January 9, 2015
Two of my favorite childhood stories are Pinocchio and Dumbo. There is a song from Dumbo that I distinctly remember my Mom singing during the movie. When I was younger, Sunday night had the Disney shows. I felt so sad when the other animals picked on Dumbo, all because he was different. I don’t recall thinking that his ears were all that bad or that they made him stand out. I believe that even back then, I empathized because I knew I was different and therefore didn’t look for differences but how “outcasts” could assimilate into their community. The lyrics “those same people who scold you, what they’d give just for the right to hold you”, today reminds me of all my friends. Each one of my friends has a particular unique characteristic that has endeared them to me. And when I see someone hurt them or toss them aside, I think, if you only knew what I knew, you would love them too.
Pinocchio just wanted to be a “real” boy. As I mature, I think what I really want most is acceptance. Acceptance for who I am and not what I am. I am proud to be gay. And I have accepted that this particular genetic component can’t be fixed with psychiatric therapy. I would like people to think it is as natural has my dark brown and in the winter time black hair. I want them to realize that as soon as the doctor screamed out “it’s a boy”, that I was already destined to be a gay man. I want them to believe that I’m a REAL boy.
January 3, 2015
While out and about today, I head Kelly Clarkson’s song “Because of You”, and while I liked the song and the lyrics, something about hearing it today made me reapply the lyrics to my life. The particular lyrics “I never strayed too far from the sidewalk”, hit a bit of a nerve. Suddenly I was brought back to college, high school and grade school. I thought about how I stayed in the closet, never exploring anything about myself, never venturing to let that side of me show.
It’s sad that we allow our environment and peers, loved ones and friends to drive how we act and appear. I know the climate for gays is changing. I see it with the way my nieces and nephews, younger cousins and relatives interact with their friends. I hear about the charities and clubs they support and in their political discussions. It’s nice and I’m so proud of the way they act and their perception of equality and right and wrong.
It’s hard to walk in someone else’s shoes. And you can give advice, but you cannot truly understand what each person goes through. The only thing you can do is offer a shoulder to lean on. That is what support is truly about. Understanding may be relative. Each person with their own journey. For Clarkson, those lyrics may have a complete different meaning, directed at someone, something, or a different issue. For me, it was basically society as a whole.
December 23, 2014
How do you know when you have entered the friend zone? I am a chicken. I am too afraid to have the conversation because I’m afraid he’ll pull away and I will lose the friendship. It’s fear of rejection. I’ve had that fear all my life. Fear of coming out of the closet because of the repercussions that may result. Fear of intimacy and of opening up.
I feel like this person likes me. I know that we get along and think the same way. We like the same food, enjoy one another’s company and have conversations that last forever. Our first dinner together lasted 5 hours–non-stop conversation. Many of our meals last that long. And yet, neither one of us have made a move. I need some sound advice. None of my friends know what to think.
I do not want to lose the friendship, more than anything else, I cherish this friendship more than I have any other friendship for a long time. Not that anyone’s friendship means less to me. I hope I am making myself clear, in an over dramatic manner. You get my drift.
Maybe I’m feeling this way because I’m watching “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Sappy and comical movie. Maybe the title has already explained the answer I’m looking for.
December 16, 2014
One of my friends was telling me about how depression sets in when the days are shorter. I’ve read about this disorder during my psychiatry classes in medical school. It must be awful to have your emotions controlled by the “weather”. I can’t imagine this, I can’t imagine depression for that matter. I know it’s real and people struggle with it. I have lost loved ones to depression and it is heavy on my heart to think that there was nothing I could have done to help them.
My friend told him that just a few days of sunshine helps him tremendously. He usually takes a week off sometime during the winter and goes somewhere tropical. That little trip will do wonders for his psyche. Even though I don’t suffer from depression, I also get a lift out of sunshine–or maybe it is just being on vacation.
I wish there was more I could do for my buddy. I offered to go away with him for a couple days of sunshine.
To all those suffering from depression, please get help.
December 12, 2014
I love the Christmas season. I am one person who wants to decorate, who loves the 24 hour music played by the radio station.
For some reason this year, the decorations are still boxed. I haven’t bought a new Christmas tree. And the music, well, sometimes it’s on the station, but most of the time I listen to The Morning Jolt with Larry Flick. Not that The Jolt is a bad thing, in fact it is the station I normally listen to. The descriptive word being NORMAL. This time last year I was listening to the holiday station. I had already watched the Little Drummer Boy several times and at least one Christmas special.
I am not in a funk. I am not angry or hurt. I ma not really sure what it is. But I do need a little Christmas, right this very minute.
December 7, 2014
My family has a home in Sarasota, Florida. I love this place. I came here several years ago to study for my boards. My parents thought it would be a good idea to go some place where I wouldn’t really know anyone, therefore would study. And yes, I studied. I eventually passed both Step 1, Step 2 and Step 2 CS (the medical boards).
But I also discovered myself here. With the help of many blog friends and friends I met here. It was amazing. The transformation in my confidence, in my beliefs and the way I viewed myself as a person.
I still get butterflies when I come down here. I still love the feeling that I get when I walked through the front door.
I will forever be grateful that I had chose to come here to study.
December 2, 2014
I’ve been watching this new show on prime time television. Very popular and one that I refuse to miss. It is a captivating show, reeling you in from the moment it starts. I am enthralled by the characters, seeing a bit of each of my friends in everyone of them–in other words the characters are believable and real. We all know people like them, the scholastic drive, the quirky personality, the narcissistic selfishness and the vulnerable sides. We know these people.
And there is the steamy side to the show. The characters after all blow their steam the way most people do–by having sex. One person tweeted the author/producer of the show “why do you have so much gay sex on the show”. Without missing a beat, she tweeted back “it is not gay sex, it’s people having sex”.
November 28, 2014
I am not going to go into the “sorry its been so long since I have written” since I seem to lapse every now and then. But know that I am…
One of my oldest and dearest friends Steve (Soo This Is Me) reminded me that I haven’t written in a while and I realize that I loved writing in the blog. But with getting my masters and working, there doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day. Excuses excuses since I do find time to watch my shows on Hulu and Netflix.
Yesterday, as I stuffed my face with deep fried turkey and sushi (yes it was a fun and modern Thanksgiving meal), I realized that there were so many things to be thankful for. I loved how my five year old nephew kept asking to look at the sliced octopus on the sushi tray. He kept saying that it did not look like an octopus, but he did try a piece (and it ended up in a napkin). He wanted a grilled cheese sandwich and didn’t care much for turkey, potatoes, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, or anything else being served. I was thankful that my sister-in-law made her special garlic mashed potatoes (with 8 sticks of butter). I was thankful that all siblings from my side and my sister-in-laws side were able to sit down and share a meal together. I am so very thankful for those things, for my family, who drive me crazy, but who I also can’t live without.
I hope everyone had a wonderful stretchy pants Thanksgiving.
June 15, 2014
I have been watching a lot of gay cinema lately–and no not the kind that most of you are thinking of right at this moment. I have watched quite a few films like Role Play, The Men Next Door, and The Normal Heart. And I really like these films. There are some that are way over the top and some cheesy ones, but that comes with any genre (lets talk about the cheese that spills over from any Lifetime Television Saturday night.
While many of the films have great gay actors, I wonder with big production films why they choose straight actors to play the gay roles. In the movie The Object of My Affection, the gay character was played by a very straight actor. In the film The Normal Heart, again the main character, the gay activist was played by a straight actor. I am not taking away the validity or credit, both actors did incredible jobs, however, we have our own gay actors as well and from some of the indie films I have watched, really good ones too. It just makes me wonder, are we not so accepted that even in our own roles, someone else is also cast to portray the character?
May 6, 2014
Have you ever gone out on a couple dates and have somewhat fallen? But you are unsure if the other person likes you? I think that he does. He will say something that will make me think that he does. The dates are prolonged. He finds a way to keep the conversation going. But then, he will do something that makes me feel like all we ever will be are friends.
Ugh! So confused.