No Sunshine

December 16, 2014

One of my friends was telling me about how depression sets in when the days are shorter. I’ve read about this disorder during my psychiatry classes in medical school. It must be awful to have your emotions controlled by the “weather”. I can’t imagine this, I can’t imagine depression for that matter. I know it’s real and people struggle with it. I have lost loved ones to depression and it is heavy on my heart to think that there was nothing I could have done to help them.

My friend told him that just a few days of sunshine helps him tremendously. He usually takes a week off sometime during the winter and goes somewhere tropical. That little trip will do wonders for his psyche. Even though I don’t suffer from depression, I also get a lift out of sunshine–or maybe it is just being on vacation.

I wish there was more I could do for my buddy. I offered to go away with him for a couple days of sunshine.

To all those suffering from depression, please get help.

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

December 12, 2014

I love the Christmas season. I am one person who wants to decorate, who loves the 24 hour music played by the radio station.

For some reason this year, the decorations are still boxed. I haven’t bought a new Christmas tree. And the music, well, sometimes it’s on the station, but most of the time I listen to The Morning Jolt with Larry Flick. Not that The Jolt is a bad thing, in fact it is the station I normally listen to. The descriptive word being NORMAL. This time last year I was listening to the holiday station. I had already watched the Little Drummer Boy several times and at least one Christmas special.

I am not in a funk. I am not angry or hurt. I ma not really sure what it is. But I do need a little Christmas, right this very minute.

Old Haunts, New Feelings

December 7, 2014

My family has a home in Sarasota, Florida. I love this place. I came here several years ago to study for my boards. My parents thought it would be a good idea to go some place where I wouldn’t really know anyone, therefore would study. And yes, I studied. I eventually passed both Step 1, Step 2 and Step 2 CS (the medical boards).

But I also discovered myself here. With the help of many blog friends and friends I met here. It was amazing. The transformation in my confidence, in my beliefs and the way I viewed myself as a person.
I still get butterflies when I come down here. I still love the feeling that I get when I walked through the front door.

I will forever be grateful that I had chose to come here to study.

It’s Just Two People

December 2, 2014

I’ve been watching this new show on prime time television. Very popular and one that I refuse to miss. It is a captivating show, reeling you in from the moment it starts. I am enthralled by the characters, seeing a bit of each of my friends in everyone of them–in other words the characters are believable and real. We all know people like them, the scholastic drive, the quirky personality, the narcissistic selfishness and the vulnerable sides. We know these people.

And there is the steamy side to the show. The characters after all blow their steam the way most people do–by having sex. One person tweeted the author/producer of the show “why do you have so much gay sex on the show”. Without missing a beat, she tweeted back “it is not gay sex, it’s people having sex”.

The Things I Am Thankful For

November 28, 2014

I am not going to go into the “sorry its been so long since I have written” since I seem to lapse every now and then. But know that I am…

One of my oldest and dearest friends Steve (Soo This Is Me) reminded me that I haven’t written in a while and I realize that I loved writing in the blog. But with getting my masters and working, there doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day. Excuses excuses since I do find time to watch my shows on Hulu and Netflix.

Yesterday, as I stuffed my face with deep fried turkey and sushi (yes it was a fun and modern Thanksgiving meal), I realized that there were so many things to be thankful for. I loved how my five year old nephew kept asking to look at the sliced octopus on the sushi tray. He kept saying that it did not look like an octopus, but he did try a piece (and it ended up in a napkin). He wanted a grilled cheese sandwich and didn’t care much for turkey, potatoes, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, or anything else being served. I was thankful that my sister-in-law made her special garlic mashed potatoes (with 8 sticks of butter). I was thankful that all siblings from my side and my sister-in-laws side were able to sit down and share a meal together. I am so very thankful for those things, for my family, who drive me crazy, but who I also can’t live without.

I hope everyone had a wonderful stretchy pants Thanksgiving.

A Rose By Any Other Name

June 15, 2014

I have been watching a lot of gay cinema lately–and no not the kind that most of you are thinking of right at this moment. I have watched quite a few films like Role Play, The Men Next Door,  and The Normal Heart. And I really like these films. There are some that are way over the top and some cheesy ones, but that comes with any genre (lets talk about the cheese that spills over from any Lifetime Television Saturday night.

While many of the films have great gay actors, I wonder with big production films why they choose straight actors to play the gay roles. In the movie The Object of My Affection, the gay character was played by a very straight actor. In the film The Normal Heart, again the main character, the gay activist was played by a straight actor. I am not taking away the validity or credit, both actors did incredible jobs, however, we have our own gay actors as well and from some of the indie films I have watched, really good ones too. It just makes me wonder, are we not so accepted that even in our own roles, someone else is also cast to portray the character?

He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not

May 6, 2014

Have you ever gone out on a couple dates and have somewhat fallen? But you are unsure if the other person likes you? I think that he does. He will say something that will make me think that he does. The dates are prolonged. He finds a way to keep the conversation going. But then, he will do something that makes me feel like all we ever will be are friends.

Ugh! So confused.

Happiness in a Picture

March 15, 2014

One of my friends posted on his Facebook page a picture of a kid eating ice cream. The kid is the son of his friend. The smile not only on his face, but in his eyes told a wonderful story. At less than 5 years of age, his body posture exudes confidence. His smile mixed with what appeared to be laughter exemplified happiness. And the beam in his eyes, said “I am loved”.

This is the portrait of a kid being raised by a gay couple. I didn’t know that this kid was the son of a gay couple. I asked my buddy about the picture he posted. I assumed it was one of his sisters or brothers kids (or else the nephew of his partner). He explained that he was the son of a friend visiting and that just like in the pic, the kid was truly a happy one. It is the reason he posted the picture. The smile and laugh were contagious. He wanted to share it. I suddenly realized that it wouldn’t have mattered who raises a child, if the child is raised with love, compassion, understanding and support, their smile will tell it all.

The pic of this kid, is the subject of one of my favorite posts by my buddy. There is no other way to describe the pic except with the words beautiful. It warmed my heart to think there is one lucky kid. It saddened me to think that there are so many other kids who could be just as happy, if only every couple, regardless of orientation, were given the chance. The gay couple were lucky because they didn’t have to go through an adoption, but were fortunate enough to have a surrogacy.

I can’t wait to meet this couple and their son. 

A Little Miracle

March 8, 2014

Yesterday I met the man who received my cousin’s kidney. This in itself is a miracle. A miracle because modern medicine has allowed another person to continue living. My cousin passed away. It was a tragedy and an extremely sad time for my family. It was like a cloud covered my vision and thoughts. I understand now what people mean by a black cloud surrounding them. It was no longer just a description of sadness, but became concrete.

He committed suicide. He was kept alive for almost a week, while we prayed that he would come out of this coma. I sat by his bed, holding his hand and speaking to him, then pleading with him and finally begging him to return. I played a beautiful song about being invisible (assuming that is what he must have felt, the reason that he attempted to take his life). It was a song sung on the Grammy’s but a new younger singer. The fact is, I will never know why he did it. I don’t think any of us will ever know. His family searched his room and found diaries, journals and letters. I don’t believe that this will truly give an answer.

The man who got his kidney certainly deserved it. It was grateful. He endured our stories about my cousin. He allowed us to take pictures with him and his family. He patiently answered questions about his life, never declining to answer anything anyone asked him. At times when I asked him about his life, I felt like I was invading his privacy. But he smiled, and answered them. His body language never once told me that he was uncomfortable with us. He didn’t need to come forward to thank my cousin’s parents or grandparents or any family member. Yet he asked to meet with us. 

It is still difficult, more than a month ago to think that my cousin was with us. He too was kind. He had an amazing smile. I have no doubt because of his compassion and selfless demeanor, that he is more than happy to have given this life to another family.

I will always miss him. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. 

Good Days And Bad

February 19, 2014

We lost my cousin.  A neighbor had found him and called an ambulance. He was taken to ICU and put on a ventilator. And we sat by his bed day after day. I held his hand hoping he would wake up. It made me sad to know that he felt he had no alternative but to end it all. He was loved. I hope that he knew that he was loved. He wasn’t bullied. He had a lot of friends. There won’t be answers.

I don’t think I want an answer. I don’t feel like any answer would be good enough. I watched his parents agonize over what to do. Physicians kept saying there is no brain activity. But there are miracles right? We are a religious family. We believe in miracles. I swear I could feel him in that room. I played some music for him from an iPod. I talked to him. My other cousins talked to him. I never asked why. I just kept saying over and over again, repetitively “please come back to us”.

In the end, his parents decided to take him off the ventilator. The doctors basically said there was no hope. He was an organ donor. He was so young. He didn’t drink. He didn’t do drugs. He was healthy. Everything was considered “mint” condition. I remember someone coming in and announcing the different states the bigger organs  (the heart, the lungs, liver, kidneys) would be going to. We were told if the recipients wanted to come forward, we could meet them. If they didn’t, we would never know. It was a blur. We said our good-byes and then he was wheeled out. In the movies, when a there is a grieving moment, the sound becomes inaudible. The music stops and the screen becomes blurry. And there is silence. I experienced that moment. 

I will be alright. I think about his parents. I think about his Mom, especially his Mom. The high pitched cry she let out when he left the room. It makes me so sad that she will never get to see him grow up. I see his grandmother’s face, my aunt. I always thought of her as extremely strong. Suddenly she looked small, vulnerable and weak. His Dad stood stoically and said “he isn’t here anymore…that isn’t him”. I don’t recall where his brothers were.

He was 22.


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