The Worse That Can Happen

I was talking to my friend recently about the worse things that can happen when  you step out of the closet.  He recently stepped onto his own journey of self discovery. During our conversation, he asked me “what’s the worse thing that can happen”.

And for his question, I had no answers. I told him that I really didn’t know. Like him, I am still on my own journey. I feel like I’ve only got one foot out the door and haven’t fully revealed my true self to everyone.  Of course I talked about some of the silences that often follow gay jokes that my friends tell (their discomfort about telling those jokes which they once laughed loudly about–but I told him that I didn’t see it as tense moments of conversations, but a victory because they could no longer put stereo-types on anyone’s lifestyle).  But I told him I didn’t know the full impact of being completely out.

I really don’t know what it’s like to be completely open with everyone. I don’t even know how to be open with myself. Let’s face it, if I were that comfortable with myself, then I wouldn’t mind telling everyone that I am a gay man just trying to balance my life the way everyone else does.

I gave him the best advice that I could. The same advice that many blog writers/readers/commenters have given me. I told him he has to do it on his own time, in a way that makes life comfortable for him.

The one thing I hope he got out of this conversation is the fact that he has me as a friend, someone who’ll try to steer him in the right direction. And I hope that he finds that in the end, it isn’t about who you love, but that you are able to love.

I Am What I Am and That Is A Prude

My buddy Brian and I went to the gym a few days ago. Summer is coming, in fact summer is here (as of today) and both of us want to get into shape. He’s already in shape, but since his break-up he has been more critical of his body. Personally I don’t think he has left himself go, but try telling that to someone who will be going to one of the Pride celebrations soon.

While I was on the treadmill, this guy started stretching in front of me (and I know this sounds like the prelude to some gosh awful flick). At one point he arched his back against the wall and put his hands above his head and stayed stretched like that for about five minutes. And then he looked me right in the eye and smiled. This whole act had the opposite effect. Rather than turning me on, I was disgusted. He kept smiling and trying to engage me in flirtatious body language banter. I tried to ignore him, but of course (yes he had a great body) I couldn’t turn away.

So to get him to quit bothering me, I mouthed “pit stain” and pointed to my armpit. He mouthed back “what”? And I gestured again. He again looked at me quizically and said “what”? So I gestured again. This time with a cheshire smile he mouthed come here and tell me. I shook my head and said aloud “dude you’ve got a huge pit stain”. He looked away embarassed and stalked off.

Brian who had watched the whole interaction said to me later that this was not the way to flirt, that I had to be nicer.

You Can’t Evict Someone Out of the Closet

This weekend my relatives got together to enjoy some relaxation and fun in the sun.

One conversation really bothered me. One of my cousins got hitched a couple months ago and we were looking at pictures and reminiscing about the event.

Out of the blue my cousin said “yea that groomsmen is gay…he told me…although he doesn’t want anyone to know…he’s still in the closet and wants to keep it that way…he’s only told me and several other people”. Why do straighties take it upon themselves to out people?

When I asked her why she said anything, my philosophical brother replied “if he really didn’t want anyone to know, he wouldn’t have told anyone in the first place”. What kind of argument is that? What don’t people understand about taking this first step?

And why do they think it’s so simple to just step out, to make that announcement. And why the heck did she disrespect his feelings, his privacy this way. Yeah, I do remember that he was quite smashed that night, and why he chose to speak to my cousin about this, I don’t understand. I do know that sometimes it’s easier to speak to a stranger.

Later on that night, he also spoke to me. He was out by the pool and having a waiter bring him shots. I thought it was weird that a waiter was bringing trays of shots out of the reception area and followed. The guy  talked about how weddings were not his “thing”…and then he just said “I’m a closeted gay and weddings just remind me about something I will never have”.

When we hugged good-bye, he said something that still tugs at my heart today. He whispered, “I’m so tired and I’m not even physically tired yet”.

On a good note, I called him tonight. He had given me his number and asked me to call him. I hadn’t thought about him till this weekend. It was a great conversation and he’ll be driving up to visit in two weeks to meet with some of the friends that I told him I made along the way. I’m going to stash him away at my friend Adam’s house. I’m still trying to get Andrew to fly up that weekend.

He told me he’s still in the closet, but it will be okay to meet other people who can help him open a window!

Why Costumes?

This week my friends (Brian and Adam) and I ate at a sushi bar. Brian kept making comments about how the waiters in the silk robes were turning him on. Whenever our waiter set plates or drinks down on our table, Brian kept trying to look down his robe. I am grateful that the waiter found Brian amusing.

What it is about uniforms, role-playing and make believe that creates fantasy? For me, the biggest  turn on is the conversation, the way a guy smiles, laughs or a certain facial expression. One of the things about Andrew that really gets my heart racing is his smile. He has the world’s most fantastic smile. I’m not just saying this because he’s my boyfriend, I have really never seen a smile quite like his.

Brian then proceeded to tell us (and frankly I believe that most of it was too much information, however the sake got hold of his sensibility) how his ex had loved when he would wear different costumes (mostly uniforms). I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the personas that Brian had taken on. He told us that his ex’s favorite was the football or baseball players. Although Brian dressed up, his ex never wanted to, he just wanted to be himself. Brian said that no amount of pleading could get his ex to consider wearing anything but silk boxers in the bedroom.

I believe that the biggest turn on occurs when someone is themselves. No pretenses, no pretending, just uncensored raw personality. My fantasy lies in the reality. And it’s probably one of the reason that I consider myself a pretty boring, easily entertained person.

No Matter What You Say

I’ve realized that no matter what you say, people are going to talk. If you talk to much, people are going to refute your testimony, if you don’t talk enough, people will fill in the gaps.

I don’t talk a lot at work. First of all, there is a lot to be done. I’m getting paid to work, so I finish my agenda. There are days when there is so much to do, I don’t even get a break to sit down and eat. And this is fine by me. I like to stay busy. So being busy means less social time. I do often have a meal with one or two co-workers, but that’s about it. And these are basically the only co-workers that I really communicate with–at work and outside of work. I’m not a snob, I just would rather accomplish certain goals and get things done.

It isn’t difficult to hear the things other co-workers say about one another, especially when others are out of ear shot or have the day off. There are all kinds of rumors that circulate because no one clears the air. So I wonder what is said about me? There is a little part of me that is curious. There is also a part of me that doesn’t care (well I care a little, otherwise I wouldn’t be venting here). I just wonder why people make the effort to either create a story (some don’t even have a foundation to stand on) or why they are so interested.

If a person doesn’t tell you something about their lives it’s because these things are personal and for the most part, maybe they just don’t want to take the time to explain anything to a stranger, or someone they consider just a co-w0rker. But of course, things wouldn’t be interesting unless you had something to talk about around the water cooler.

Mother’s Day

I would like to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s out there. To all the parents also who have to be both a mother and a father. In general to all parents who are raising children.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone.

Play Nice

I’m going to venture to say that although people grow-up, they don’t mature. Somethings just remain inherent. Like that sense of competitiveness that happens between any two males.

A few months ago, we got a new co-worker. Many people were fascinated by this new guy because he is just genuinely a nice person. And he always had advice for everyone, about anything. He is meticulous with his work and generally gets it all done.

One of the other male co-workers has loudly stated his disdain for the newbie. He states that newbie is too slow!! Newbie is slower because he is more meticulous. He looks over his work rather than just sending it in. He calls newbie by the nickname Gomer, because newbie is a country boy (but more like the boy next door, simple and naive).

But the other day I was mortified at Mr. Jealousy’s fang show. Newbie has been flirting with someone at work. Mr. Jealousy pulled her aside and started saying pretty mean things about Newbie, little things like “he’s a redneck that thinks mudding is a sporting event”. He told her things like “he tells people he wants in your pants”. And just other things that ended up with the girl saying “Newbie is creeping me out”.

I can’t believe some of the things that boys will do to make one another stumble.

Spring Time

I know it’s been awhile and there aren’t any excuses except that my life has been boring.  Other than work and hanging out with friends, nothing new or exciting has happened to me.

My friends and I are pretty much homebodies except on Saturday, when we venture out. They still have yet to really get me on the dance floor. Although in Adam’s basement and with very few of our friends watching, I have gotten out and mocked dance (my imitation of what I think they look like when they dance–they don’t seem to mind, they said anything to get me to shake a groove thing). During the week, we mostly all stay in and watch DVDs. Someone has to pick a DVD, bring it over and then we all vote on which we will see.

These get togethers also launches some of my cooking lessons. I have been trying to learn to cook since about two years ago. Brad has always been giving me suggestions and tips, with his help and some cook books, I use these DVD nights to show off some of my talents. Although, they seem to pale in comparison to Adam’s wisdom behind the apron. Still though, no one has gagged and mainly they have finished their plates–and there aren’t any left overs by the end of the night (most of the food gets re-heated and eaten during the movie).

So yes, I live a boring life of suburbia. Only instead of being desperate housewives, we are just a bunch of buddies hanging out.

Go Ahead, Have Fun

Yesterday, while walking through the halls at work, I heard a few people humming the words to a top 40 hit. I craned my neck around a corner and there were some people clapping, laughing and watching as one of their co-workers was dancing. As soon as he saw me, he stopped and turned beet red.

I smiled and said, “Why stop? We need to have some fun here…all the drab and seriousness is bound to cause some tension”. I also told him that although I can’t dance, my friends are trying in vain to teach me.

He smiled back and said something like they were just bored. But with the encouragement of his audience, began to continue.

Sometimes people take themselves way too seriously. And you lose something when you do. So this weekend…everyone go out and just have some fun!!

Have a great weekend!!

Little Surprises

This weekend, my family got together and celebrated Easter. The younger folk took part in an Easter egg hunt set up by the parents of these youngsters. The kids went wild looking for the eggs. There was lots of crying and lots of laughing, however all in all they had a good time.

One of the younger children, a three-year-old nephew, marveled at his siblings and cousins finds. He would peek into their baskets and smile. He was in no rush to procure his own eggs, but loved watching everyone else have a good time. All in all he found three eggs. One of them, he stumbled upon by accident. I watched as he stepped through the garden to once again peek into his sister’s basket and then look down to see what he had stepped on.  He picked up a pastel colored plastic egg, decided it might be worth keeping and put it into his basket. Once in his basket, he ventured further and continued peeking into his the baskets of his competitors, but never touching nor removing the eggs that were already claimed.

When they came back to count their finds, I noticed that even the two year old niece had found more eggs than he did. All of the kids were showing off their treasures to one another. He opened his plastic eggs to find candy. However, the one egg that he stumbled upon had a hidden surprise. It was the one egg that held a gift certificate to a local toy store–donated by yours truly!!  His eyes widened with delight when he recognized the emblem on the “golden” ticket. He yelled out something like “I found it,’  and then when he heard some of the other kids groan, he added “but I will share” and with that he tucked it into his pockets.

I’m taking him tomorrow  to spend his treasure. Without even trying, he found something  he didn’t know he wanted. And in this little event, I also found my own surprise. Good things come to those who wait.

I was so glad that he found the egg.