Homesick

I have never been homesick. I have always adjusted pretty well to anywhere I’ve gone. My first year of college, I missed my family and I missed high school. But there wasn’t any sort of aching. When I got to medical school–the same thing, I missed my old schedule and of course friends and family. But I managed with email, letters and phone calls.

Today as I sit in this cafe, I feel some homesick that I can hardly keep my lunch down. I go to sleep with a feeling of “I don’t want to be here…”. I know that this is just a temporary step in the direction of achieving my goals. It’s something to do while I am waiting to get into a medical residency, so I know it isn’t forever. But right now, I just want to be around a familiar place and speak to familiar people (even if it’s the cashier at my old grocery store).

 

My First Kiss

My last post was about what would happen when I had to say goodbye. I don’t know if we really said goodbye since we continue to talk on the phone and I get about 10 emails from Andrew on a daily basis and countless texts reminding me that someone in thinking about me.

A couple nights before I finished packing to make my move north, Andrew asked if I would like his company while driving to my new destination. I excitedly told him yes and he made the necessary arrangements with work to take a few days off. Two nights before our actual departure, I thought that to ask him to take off from work might be too much. I started to tell him my concerns and before I could utter the words “maybe this would be too much to ask”, he just kissed me. I felt a sudden weakness in the knees and somewhat breatheless. I felt clumsy, as I didn’t know how to kiss back. When he finished, he said “if you have anymore concerns, I will be happy to answer any or all of them”.

Thoughts swarmed my head: he must think me clumsy, what did my breath smell like, were my lips chapped, did he feel chemistry, did he like it too? My answer came when he pulled me closer and said “I’m going to do that again before the end of the night”.

My heart still surges into a fast pace whenever I think about it.

What Does Goodbye Mean

I finally met someone. Our meeting wasn’t accidental, it was a blind date. My friend Josh set me up with his neighbor. Josh and I have been hanging out together for about two months now. I’ve been going out with him, his boyfriend Ben and my friend Mike (who until a few months ago was completely closeted). We became this unseparable foursome, going to get coffee together on a daily basis and on the weekends going to bars to hang out.

Two weeks ago, Josh told me that he was chatting with his newly single neighbor Andrew. He asked if I would mind being set up and I told him no. If Josh knew this person and would trust him to be a good set-up for me, then why not?

Andrew and I hit it off right away. I was constantly laughing and smiling around him. I couldn’t help myself. His own laugh and smile were contagious. When he asked me out for dinner, Josh must have prepped him because before I could answer, he said “you know no one knows where they will be tomorrow…but you’ve laid the foundation for your career so play a little”. Josh must have told him that I’ve often hidden behind my studies and medical school as an excuse not to live my extra-curricular life.

After our first official date, just the two of us, in a waterfront restaurant he asked me if he could call me “tomorrow”. I told him yes. That night a little after midnight my cell phone rang. When I answered it he said “it’s tomorrow”. Since that phone call I’ve worn out my smile. I don’t think I’ve laughed or smiled this much in a long time.

Since that phone call, we have eaten dinner together every night. We’ve had coffee and dessert in sidewalk cafes. I’ve spent nights under the stars on walks and on balconies talking about everything. I’ve told Andrew things I’ve never told anyone before–about my fears, my hopes and dreams. It’s been a whirlwind of two weeks. I understand how people can fall in love so quickly (although I’m not quite at the love stage just yet).

And now, I find out that I need to go north to push my career along. These plans have been months in the making. The seed that I planted has begun to sprout. If I let my heart make a decision, it would be to stay here and see where this relationship is going to go. However, my mind trumps my heart everytime and I know that I’ve got to go.

I’m scared of good-bye’s definition.

Getting Into A Groove

I am not sure if I had written about this before. Recently (about two months) I have become good friends with a bunch of guys. I met one of the guys Mike through a gay friend  I met at the gym. Mike, like me, is also closeted. We instantly bonded after meeting.

Both of us were on this journey of acceptance and also finding ourselves. We spent lots of nights talking about how we’ve dealt with out feelings, our ups and downs. It has been really good to be able to hear that I’m not alone on this emotional rollercoaster. I’m not really sure what I would have done without him these past few weeks. 

About a month ago, Mike suggested we go to this gay bar and we did. It was a bit overwhelming at first–from some guy smacking my butt as I tried to make my way to the bathroom to trying to differentiate being flirted with or just some guys striking up friendly conversation. I’m really thankful I had Mike there with me.

And from this bar visit, Mike and I got to meet Ben and Josh. I have become really good friends with these guys. We meet several times a week, just for coffee, appetizers or dinner. I’m so lucky to have found them and to have them on this journey into finding my groove.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

A few days ago I got an e-card from one awesome blogger!! This card made me laugh till I peed in my pants. And I really needed the laughter. It is the perfect cure.

One of my friends called me soon after I got the card. She told that she also didn’t match into a program. Together we discussed our options and by brainstorming I found some solutions. One, I am not going to give up on all the hard work I’ve done in the last few years. I’m going to try again, but I’m going to expand my applications to include other specialties. My friend reminded me that when I first started medical school I loved psychiatry and pediatrics. She suggested looking for a program that combined the two. She also reminded me that one of my highest scores for exams came in obstetrics and said she remembered that I did very well during that rotation.

Most of all she reminded me that I need to remember that the hard part is over, that I’ve graduated. She reminded me that I passed all of the USMLE exams (and that not many people can boast that triumph). And she reminded me that “poor little me” was not the only one left behind when other programs filled (she also was still licking her wounds)…and that sooner or later I’ll be bitching that a program is working me too hard.

Thank you all for bearing with me these past couple weeks. I have appreciated the comments and being able to chat it out with many of my friends. Have a good weekend and once again a HUGE thank you.

P.S. At the very end of our conversation my friend broke out in song singing “Morning After” from the Poseidon Adventure…a movie we watched cause we were up at like 3 a.m. one night. She remembered that as a really good time in our road of friendship. This pushed my laughter way over the edge.

Still Around

I am still around. However, I don’t know what to write about right now. The only thing I know right now is some self-created drama. If I write about what I want to write about, this will be my third post in a row about how I hate my life right now. I know it isn’t fair to those readers who drop by to see how things are going. I hate whining because generally I’m not a whiner. I’m usually the person that helps my friends out of ruts. I’m not the kind that would ask for that lift up.

I hate feeling like this dark cloud isn’t going to lift. I have faith that it will. I firmly believe that God has a plan for me, that my prayers along this journey to becoming a physician have been answered. It’s a miracle itself that I passed the USMLE exams (especially Step 1). Getting through medical school has also been a huge triumph. So I do have those shining star moments.

But right now, I’m still sulking about not getting accepted into a residency program. It’s good sometimes. I talk to friends who have their own stories about getting accepted or denied. Many of them have their own success stories. What I hate is that often I find myself more jealous than happy for them. I ask myself, what was on their CV that made them stand out, what in their interview, what in their recommendations caused a board member to vote them through. And these thoughts make me question my own accomplishments and self worth.

I promise the next time I post, I won’t write about this. I know that it is getting old.

I hope everyone has had a good week and after I get this up, I’ll visit your blogs.

Still A Little Cloudy

I am still feeling a little bit depressed.

I have had a couple sleepless nights. I’ve tossed and turned and usually I can plop down and sleep immediately. I’ve never experienced insomnia. I’ve never woken up in the middle of the night only to wonder why I woke up.

I hate this feeling of despair. I don’t know how to control it. I want to cry, but I know that crying over something so little is stupid, useless and doesn’t solve anything. It won’t change the fact that I didn’t match into a medical residency program. I know not getting matched into a program isn’t the end of the world. One of my former classmates called me and said that she knew someone who had tried for several years before getting matched (I think she said 4 years). Of course Lucy didn’t have to worry, since she matched into an internal medicine program. She told me that the key is persistance. I know that she was being helpful…that my best interest was at hand. However, I find it hard to swallow advice from someone who can’t possibly know what I’m feeling, seeing that the very thing I want, she already got–her first choice was her first match. I know that in some way I’m just sour graping. Logically my mind tells me that she was concerned. The selfish side of me wants to scream, “you have no idea because you didn’t have to go through reapplying and hearing the echo of a cricket at the end of the day”.

I’m not sure when these depressive feelings will lift. I hate not knowing where I’m going to be or what I’m going to be doing for a year. I have usually lived my life on a planned schedule (yes, I’m a bit obsessive when it comes to knowing what I’m doing and when). And in some ways I like having some control of my surroundings. In this case, I have no control and I see my career and life come to a halt with no warning.

I hate this…..

A Little Burden Lifted

I had a rough week right before Easter. I didn’t get accepted into a family medicine training program. This is something I have been striving to achieve for the last couple months, so on Tuesday when they announced those medical students who matched into programs, I was depressed.

But I had some things to look forward to. My family coming in on the weekend to celebrate Easter with me. Another surprise that I had to look forward to is my buddy Todd (I have written about him before) coming down in April to do one of his medical rotations here (so I will have his company for a month).

I called him really late one night, after I had gotten off the computer. I took the chance that he would be awake and called him. He answered right away explaining that he was up studying. I’m not really one to verbalize my disappointment so I talked about everything else under the sun. After I hung up with him (about 3 a.m.), my phone rang and it was him again. He said something didn’t sit well with our conversation, he could just feel something was wrong and demanded to know. He asked things like “are you going to be alone for Easter”, “did you get into a fight with someone” and then finally said “dammit don’t make me guess, I do enough guessing on my exams”.

It is often funny how those close to you can sense something different about your voice pattern no matter how you try to hide it. I had talked to several people that week and thought I did a good job hiding my disappointment.  I talked to people the night that the results came out and even fooled some of my other friends. In fact I thought I had even fooled myself, constantly reassuring myself that everything was going to be alright. The funny thing is, I rarely talk to Todd, at least not on a weekly basis. I guess there are some things you cannot hide from your friends who you do have a deep emotional bond to.

I really believe that friends are those angels that lift you to your feet when your own wings have forgotten how to fly.

Still Here

I hope everyone had a great Easter weekend! I sure did. My family came down to visit, as well as many friends who surprised me.

I have been busy and this is why the blog has been neglected…I have also neglected coming around to visit your blogs as well. For this I apologize. I’ve been a bad blogger. But once all the dust settles, I’ll be back full force again.

Once again, have a good Easter week!! Enjoy yourselves and I’ll be back again soon.

Glass Homes and Stones

I have always been reminded of the old saying “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”. I haven’t always lived by this rule. In fact there were times that I threw out accusations in order to cover up my own inadequacies. My own insecurities were manifested when I despised these qualities in other people. Many times I unearthed my own faults, my weaknesses and the cracks in my self-esteem by taking inventory of all that I say about others.

In the wake of what has happened to a political figure, I realize that these secrets that we bury deeply will often be unearthed. Many express shock at these revelations. I’ve begun to realize that those who speak the loudest against an issue are those who want to direct traffic down a different pathway. They try to convince others of their by pointing fingers. I wonder sometimes who they really want to convince, others or their own conscience.

I am not any better. I myself have tried to shatter the glass that protects another’s dignity. But I’ve learned that many times these hurls are boomerangs and come back to create cracks and chips in my own delicate wall.