Hush

Sometimes I feel a bit misplaced. When I’m with my straight friends, I feel less compelled to talk about my personal life and to stay away from topics about being gay, particularly my love life. While they can give detailed accounts of some woman they just met, how she makes them smile or that this may be the one, I am left to just saying “Dave and I are doing fine”.

It may be my own perception. It could very well be my hesitation to talk about it. But the vibe seems to be, “okay, that’s enough…let’s not talk about it anymore”. Does anyone else have this sort of feeling/experience.

A Good Listener

I’ve been dating a guy for almost a year now. He’s kind. He’s compassionate. I’ve rarely heard him criticize anyone, least of all me (and when I bring up my faults to him, he says things like ‘well you can fix it’). He always asks me how my day went and seems genuinely interested in hearing the answer. He sits there silently while I explain how my day went, good or bad.

The catch? He just sits there silently. And when I ask how his day went, he answers “it went well and I can’t complain” or something simple like that. He doesn’t expand. He doesn’t explain. Most of our conversation goes this way. When I ask him about something, he just explains. It’s like I’m dating the equivalent of the straight man conversationally (I apologize for the stereotype). It almost seems like he doesn’t have an opinion. And he does keep bringing up “if there is anything you want to know about me, just ask”. I have, and his explanations are usually simple and direct.

I’m a conversationalist. I love having conversations with people. I know that communication is important. I eventually would like to go into family medicine or psychiatry. I love hearing people tell me about their lives, their day, their innermost feelings.

It isn’t just me that has noticed his limited conversation. My friends have too. When we all go out to dinner, he sits and smiles during the conversation. He laughs appropriately and usually affirms what other participants are saying–by affirm I mean contributes by saying things like “well that is nice; sounds like you have had a busy day; you are funny”.

Maybe we bore him? Or maybe we just dominate the conversation. I don’t know what to make of this. I do know that I’m falling for him. I do know that the very sound of his voice makes my knees weak. And I do know that when we are sitting on the couch, the silence doesn’t bother me. I like being wrapped in his arms. He doesn’t have to talk at those moments.

Not really sure, why I am bothered by this…so I thought I would vent.

Thanksgiving

I hope everyone has had a great Thanksgiving.

There are so many things I have been thankful for and I’m sure as the year progresses, there will be many more blessings to add to the list.

I know I haven’t been around in a while. I have been busy. But know that I do think about continually sharing my life with you who have followed me and those I also follow.

Hoping everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving dinner with those they love.

That’s What Boys Are Made Of

At what point do male children learn to push, shove and fight? What age is the age where they learn to clench their fists and swing them?

I was spending some time with my Godsons last week (ages 8,6 and 2). C (the two year old) was playing in the play room and had taken one of W’s prized possessions (a space ship which W had always cherished). W never let’s anyone touch this ship. He keeps it on the top of his toy shelf. C, had pushed a step stool up to the shelf and taken the ship down (and at what point do two year olds learn that sort of logic). Anyway, when W saw the ship in C’s hands, he stormed over, grabbed the ship and placed it back on the top shelf, moving the step stool away.

I thought the argument was over. C looked down at his empty hands and just stared. I was about to reprimand W for harshly grabbing the toy. However, something came over C, his faced turned red, hand balled into a fist and he charged toward W, who turned around just in time for the fist to hit him in the face. W pushed C onto the ground. The fight was over, as C then cried.

Violence was never a part of their upbringing. So I’m not sure where C learned to hit or even strike someone using a fist. He hasn’t started school yet, so for the most part, his brothers are his playmates and they are usually easy when it comes to him. Must be primal instinct to resort to violence…and hopefully a part of their emotions that they will learn to control.

It’s His Decision

I had dinner with a couple of my friends on Friday night. It was, as usual, a pleasant night out. Catching up with one another, describing our week–highlights and lowlights, venting, laughing and of course eating.

One of our friends invited an out of town buddy to join us. He described his friend as his token straight friend. I thought nothing unusual about this guy. He was friendly. He introduced himself, shook hands with everyone and joined in the laughter, the eating, the drinking, the merriment. He made it a point to get to know everyone seated at our table and even exchanged phone numbers/email/facebook stats in case we should ever be in Chicago and need a place to crash.

When he left the table to use the bathroom, one of the first comments out of someone’s mouth was “J, are you sure he isn’t gay”. J replied “He has a girlfriend. He has never has talked about it with me and he has always claimed he was straight”.

Another person at the table commented “Straight but wants a “D” shoved into his mouth”.

Why? Why do people have to go there. Why do they have to judge. I don’t understand…why must everything be about orientation? Just let it be. If this guy claims he is straight, then so be it.  But everyone at the table kept saying their “gaydar” was dinging the moment the guy walked into the room. Mine of course is non-existent so no bells.  I don’t want it to ding. I just want to get to know someone for who they are.

The rest of the evening…quite pleasant. I needed the laughter. I needed the companionship and of course I needed the nourishment of both food and friendship.

Candle Burning Bright

I’ve made it no secret that I’m a practicing Catholic. I have always held on to a strong religious belief and this faith has taken me through a lot of tough moments in my life.

But I do have those days when I struggle with religion. Those moments when I struggle to find  a reason to believe. When I wonder if my belief is based on what I was taught and all that was engrained while I was growing up. I went to Catholic school, most of my friends are Catholic and a lot of my volunteer activities are church based. So there are moments when I find myself questioning why I believe, what are the forces driving my faith, my hope and the strength of religion in my life.

I have always turned to God when my emotions ran high, when I thought I was alone, I prayed and felt better. And I do believe that He watches out for all of us. I know that in times of tragedy it’s hard to think of Him. And there are times when I do question why things happen, why there is chaos and destruction. But I always end up turning back to Him.

This week has been one of those brief moments when I again questioned my belief system. And when I do, I always turn to church, prayer and personal conversations with God. This weeks sermon was like a candle burning bright. The priest talked about having faith that God is there, that he’ll always be there and always was there. The readings from the book of Matthew answered my questioning. So once again my faith is restored.

Happy Fourth Of July

I hope everyone has a Happy Fourth of July!

Have fun celebrating with family and friends.

I’ll write soon. I’ve just been over my head busy.

Take care, I’ll come back soon.  I do miss everyone and reading their posts.

A Token Friend

Recently I was eating out with my best friend and his family. We were eating at a sushi bar. Some work colleagues of M’s stopped by the table and one of them commented “Wow, your kids will eat sushi. My kids won’t even eat tuna fish sandwiches.”

M commented, “Their Godfather (pointing to me) makes them try everything. And it just so happens that they enjoyed this dish”. He introduced me to his friends and the comment from his colleague’s wife was “I want an Asian Godfather. You and A are lucky”.

I didn’t know we were a commodity. I did not think of her comment as a compliment.

Beautiful Day

Although the day started out dreary (weather wise), it ended up being beautiful (weather wise and personally).

I enjoyed it. I got to exercise! And this is an activity I must partake of–the winter months/hibernation has fattened me. Somehow, all the troubles of the day the seem to disappear when I have those muscles pumping. Not that there was a lot of trouble. My day was almost stress free. I got through some of the paperwork I needed to do for one of my research projects (it is the one I consider the most boring of all–but I feel it will have more impact in my medical career). I also got a big heads up in another medical laboratory study and can start the ball rolling on it. Suffice it to say, the work day went quite well.

Overall, just feeling good today.

Not Sure I Was Flirting

I was thinking out loud, but not necessarily flirting. I don’t think I know how to flirt. I think I’m bad at it. Everything I want to say always comes out cheesy or messy. When I think about what I want to say, in my head it sounds like a nightmare. I’m not intelligent enough to create lines that sound witty or unassuming.

When  this guy came into our research department, I immediately noticed him. No one comes to our section of the hospital unless they have to (medical/nursing students), are participating in a study or lost. This guy was standing in the lobby and looking around. He waited and didn’t have the “where the hell am I” demeanor.  All my co-workers were in their own world, eyes on computer screens or buried in paper work. No one noticed this extremely good looking guy politely waiting for someone to take notice of him. He wasn’t an outside participant because he had an i.d. badge which gave him access through the employee entrance. So I am hoping my fellow research geeks were not being rude, but just waiting for him to do what he had to, and allow them to continue doing what they love best, academia.

I got up from my desk and  asked him, “Are you good looking?”. And immediately realized that I had said this out loud, retracted my statement and said, “Are you looking for someone?”. He replied he was and gave me the name of the clinical coordinator. I walked him back to this person’s desk.

After half an hour, he peeped his head into my office and said, “to answer your question, it depends on who is making the assessment. I’m getting a coffee, would you like one?”.

I politely declined because I had paper work to do. In reality, I’m seeing someone who I really like. It’s better to avoid temptation. I could justify a cup of coffee with a reason as simple as “I’m making a friend”. But I don’t want to give any wrong impressions or even test those waters. He smiled and said, “I’ll see you around…I have a long project on a paper I’m writing”. And my assumption that he is gay (my gaydar is broken) could have been way off base. He may have just been friendly and needed an opinion of any clinical work he was doing.

When I later told my friends of my slip of the tongue, they told me it was a clumsy flirt–a 3 out of 10 score. But they said, he must also be a cheeser for reacting to my comment.

And in my defense,  he was good looking. But I was not flirting. I was just thinking out loud.