A Reboot

Lately television shows are getting re-boots. Popular shows are being brought back and storylines pick up where they left off. One of my favorite shows Will & Grace came back and I love it more than ever.

Today I wondered about my own life reboot. Would I go back in time and re-do a life that had so many cringe worthy moments. Would I re-do my coming out moments knowing what I know now. What about high school? If I could exude the confidence I have now, would I have been bullied? Now I would speak up. I would defend myself and some of the others who were bullied.

Lets face it. I don’t get to re-live the past. There is no time machine. But there is the me now. I have a different sense of awareness and confidence because of what I had to endure. I have no tolerance for bullying in any form because I was bullied. I have compassion for those who are marginalized and empathy for underdog. I can honestly tell others that it gets better because it does get better.

In reality there isn’t anything I would do again. I live and love because of the way I lived and because of the way I was loved. There were friends and family who sheltered and loved me. No reboot. My mind will use the re-run memories to remind me that I am who I am because of who I was.

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Day Drinking

I have realized after spending the weekend with some college friends that I am way too old to day drink, especially in the sun. It was the extreme heat that did me in. It was the food truck food that could only absorb so much of the alcohol. It was the combined indigestion from said food that exacerbated the nausea. It was the headache at 9 p.m. from the alcohol and the resounding loud music from the local bands that made me realize that I am not a young man anymore.

Friends from college came to visit for the weekend.I was excited to have plans all weekend long–from sun up to sun down. We decided to go to a local celebration. Once in the gates, the first round of drinks were bought. We also bought tickets to a beer tasting event. The heat and our age combined to make for an extremely tiring weekend.

I wonder what it is about reuniting with college friends that makes me go back to that point in time (both mentally and in my mind physically). I suddenly found myself calling my male friends by their last names, like we are athletes (I was not, but some of them were). There were eye rolls from the wives and from my partner.

As I sit here on Monday, I wish I hadn’t day drunk, night drunk and in between drunk. But I am glad they came to visit. And I am glad we made plans to visit again.

Memories

I recently purchased and downloaded some albums that were on sale. A lot of the music were soundtracks from when I was in high school and college. The music immediately brought my mind back to that point in time. Suddenly I could smell the cologne I splashed on (I went back and forth between Polo Green and Bennetton Colors). I began to feel some of the insecurity I did back then and remembered some of the bullying I endured.

I often think about high school/college and everything I experienced during that era. It reminds me of how far I have come. But I also realize that I still have so far to go. I am comfortable in my skin. I am not afraid to let people know I am gay. But I have also learned who I can trust and I have developed an instinct of whom I can come out to and who I can’t. I remain in touch with many of my friends and have cut out those who dragged me down. At the last reunion, I let those who bullied me know they bullied me and have forgiven those who offered sincere apologies. Some of those bullies are now my greatest allies.

And after each album ended, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t change or relive that period. Everything happens for a reason correct? And the whole experience was just that–high school. And much like the movies for which these soundtracks were made, I got a happy ending.

Coming Out All Over Again

Tonight I explained to one of my cousins that coming out is an ongoing experience. You don’t just come out once, you come out each time you meet a new friend or new group. But I explained that it does get easier. The more comfortable I became in my own skin, the easier it was to talk about my life as it is now.

I easily say things like “my boyfriend and I love that show”, “my boyfriend and I binge watched that series this weekend”, “my boyfriend and I….”. Now when someone asks “are you gay”, I answer yes without a second thought. The other day at work a blood drive was happening and a co-worker said “lets go donate” and without even thinking I replied “I can’t, I have had sex with my boyfriend in the last six months”. My reply made her giggle and then she said “oops I forgot”. She forgot I was gay or the rules regarding blood donation. BTW, I think with all the testing they do on the donated blood they would be able to tell if it was not viable.

But yes, the drawback of being gay is that we do have to come out each time we become good friends with someone new. But usually by the time I become friends with someone, it really doesn’t matter.

Real Conversations

I recently read somewhere that we need to be able to have the difficult conversations with one another–whether political, religious or personal. We must be able to stand back and understand another’s point of view, how they came to their beliefs.

One of my best friends voted for a political figure that makes my stomach churn. And we have had exhaustive conversations about this choice. Some of her other choices in the past, I have pointed out are not LGBT friendly. Her answer to me regarding this stance? “Well, that is just one of their issues, there are others that will help our state”. I was left dumbfounded. But we have been friends since early childhood. And whenever I have needed her, she has been there. She has my back. I could count on her personally.

I have seen politics and religion destroy friendships. And while those difficult conversations sometimes make my blood boil,dont’t those differences help us to grow?

Just Another Monday

I have to say that we generally don’t look forward to Monday. And I wake up not looking forward to the day, but I do look forward to getting back to work. I guess it’s because at some point during the weekend, I get bored. Yes, there are things to do and I get to sleep in, but somewhere between the commute to work and finally sitting at my desk, I get excited for another work week.

Today was blah though. I did muddle through it. My partner even said that he felt blah all day. Maybe it was a sympathy blah or maybe we are mentally connected that way?

All in all, it was just another Monday. And I’m glad it was no longer Sunday.

Another Long Stretch

Once again it’s been a long time since I have posted.

A lot has changed since the time I first started writing. I am still in touch with a lot of the friends that I made and I have reached out to them often. I also lost touch when my gmail johnmichael was hacked and I lost the emails of others (some of whom I really miss talking to).

I have been in a long term relationship, over three years and I couldn’t be happier. We have moved in together! Yay! And have lived together for over a year. Things are going well.

I miss blogging. And I miss reading other’s blogs. Is it still a thing? I have looked back over some of the blogs I use to read and they have also seem “abandoned” (for lack of a better word).

I will be back…and this time I mean it.

Snow Days

It’s snowing outside and has been since early this morning. I have had friends post on Facebook pics of their rulers stuck in the snow in their front yards. Most measure approximately 18 inches. Wow. I haven’t seen that much snow in years. When we had a little bit of snow on Wednesday–well a little bit compared to what’s happening now–I drove home in my Prius and a ten mile trek took me almost two hours. I was freaked out and immediately did an internet search for an SUV with good MPG. I have only had this Prius for about 3 years and have been so happy with my gas bill (which months to about 30 dollars a month). However driving in this snow has made me nervous. West Virginia terrain is not made for a car like a Prius.
Any suggestions???

Walking Dead

So I am absolutely obsessed with the show The Walking Dead. I pace while I watch it, have read the comics, look for what the authors call Easter eggs to alert me to what is coming. The comics and the show differ slightly, but some of the events are correlated, characters are killed off and new characters are introduced. There are little clues which tell those faithful and loyal fans what may or may not be coming.

I can’t say it’s a guilty pleasure, because I don’t feel guilty for dedicating my time to watching this show or conversing about it around the water cooler in the morning. I have one friend whom I text during the show and they are also as dedicated a fan.

Just thought I would check in and let everyone know what’s been going on with my life…

Also my email was hacked and taken over. I have lost contact with a lot of the friends that I have made over the years during this time. It makes me sad. And I hope that I can find many of you again. But I thought I was safe and that I didn’t have to memorize anyone’s email. Ugh…

Put Down That Phone

I had lunch with a couple of my friends today and for the most part, after the chatting and eating, we ended up playing on our phone. I thought, why do we bother to have lunch? Why bother having conversation? Most of us text.

I haven’t really talked to any of my friends on the phone for a long time. We mainly keep in touch texting or messaging on FB. I have forgotten how some of my friends sound long distance. And now I communicate with many of my friends via text and via FB messenger. I kind of like it, cause there are times when I think “I don’t want to talk to you right now, but I can answer your text”. What has happened to the art of conversation?

Do many of you text rather than talk?