It’s No Sacrifice

It’s the season of Lent. As a former Catholic, now Episcopalian, we use to give up something for Lent. As a kid, I gave up things like chocolate, candy, playing video games. At the end of the 40 days, I would have been rewarded–an Easter basket full of candy/chocolate, a new video game, my favorite flavored potato chips if that’s what I gave up.

Several years ago, I had dinner with one of the bishops. It was a Sunday and as dessert was being passed around, I declined stating I gave it up for Lent. The bishop had turned to me and said something to the effect that Sundays don’t count, that we could have the thing we gave up on Sundays.

My partner explained to me that he didn’t believe in giving up anything for Lent because we just went back to it after Easter. Instead he was more pro-active. He would read a self-help book, or would pray more, something he thought would better himself. The argument was is it really a sacrifice? Was giving up something only to go back to it really helping? I guess it could have shown some self control, but I think he had a point.

I miss him. And I now he’s in a better place. I continue to ponder many of his ideals and think, my life was better because of him.

Asteroids The Medical Game

I had my yearly eye appointment yesterday. Love my eye doctor. He’s very thorough and explains everything in detail and what each test means, it’s outcomes and how it affects my eyesight.

I despise or get frustrated with the clicker and the “spot the lighted dot” test. It makes me think of that old game asteroids where the little asteroids come at you and you have to shoot them. The technician told me that even if I think I see a dot, click. He explained that some of the light shades are lighter and some are brighter. I think I get click happy. In the end I passed.

These eye exams have come a long way since I first went to the eye doctor in 9th grade. I didn’t get glasses until I was in college. I remember being in 9th grade and wanting glasses. I felt they made you look smart and many others were getting them. I didn’t need them, but still wanted them. I also wanted braces, but never needed them. I was a weird kid.

Side Effects

I got my second vaccine shot last week. I wasn’t sure what kind of side effects I would have given that everyone I talked to had different stories to tell.

First night, I felt nothing. I did wake up with a sore arm at the injection site. It was like someone knuckle punched the area. One of my friends texted and asked if I was okay/needed anything. I told her I was fine and that I didn’t have any real alarming side effects. That text jinxed me. I fell back asleep and woke up to chills, an achy body and headache. The aches were horrible! HORRIBLE. I would kick off a blanket as soon as I pulled it up, only to do the “need it, don’t need it” blanket dance.

I think the worse side effect was being enthralled by a reality show (yes I normally watch them, especially the ones with feuding housewives), but this was about a beach house. I ended up watching it for two seasons until all symptoms sub-sided. Once the headache was gone, the interest dissipated as well.

Credit Card Customer Services

I realized yesterday that I needed to cancel my partner’s credit cards. He had two. He stayed on top of payments (usually just paid them off at the end of the month). I found them in his wallet in the hospital bag. I hadn’t unpacked that bag. Hadn’t brought myself until today. There were the pj’s I dropped off for him and an unopened bag of peach rings which I snuck in with the pajamas (he loved peach rings–the candy).

I called the number on the back of the cards and both of them had automated voices asking for SSN or credit card numbers. And since I am not him, I just kept saying over and over again “I need to talk to a representative”. The robotic voice would say “sorry I didn’t get that, please state your SSN or your credit card number”. It was so frustrating. I know that if I just punched in the card number it would have just taken me to some automated voice again telling me “your card is paid in full” and then a “thank you…good bye”. And I would not have gotten to a representative.

Finally talked to two different representatives and he had no balance on either. And they cancelled the accounts.

I do realize that maybe, had I just punched in the numbers, perhaps I would have just been taken to a representative. Still having a hard time navigating this.

And now my heart hurts again.

Commercials, Winners, More Snow

I like watching the SuperBowl. I loved going to the Super Bowl parties and cheering on a team with my buddies.

This year, due to Covid, it was different. None of my friends had anyone over. The numbers are still pretty high here in Ohio. So we texted our cheers and ate our favorite snacks mostly by our lonesome.

I look forward to the commercials. This year, there really wasn’t a memorable one for me. Well, I did enjoy the Jason Alexander sweatshirt one. Pretty hilarious.

I was happy that Tampa Bay won. Since my family has been vacationing in the Sarasota area for over 20 years now (and my parents have retired to that vacay home), I have always cheered them on. However, I am a staunch New York Giants fan (make no bones about it). The game started out pretty boring, but then picked up. I may have scared the cats and dog a couple times with my loud cheering.

We are suppose to get some snow tomorrow and Wednesday. My cousin told me that we are expecting 1-3 inches each day. Ugh. More snow. My pup won’t walk in it. Hopefully she will do her business on the balcony, as I don’t want to walk in it either.

Snow…Nowhere To Go

We got a ton of snow. Well, somewhere between 5-8 inches. Perhaps not 8, more like 5 (at least in my area). When I took the pup out on Saturday night for her last pee, around 9:30 p.m., it was cold outside but there was nothing on the ground. When she woke me at 6:30 a.m. for her morning ritual, I pulled back a curtain the grounds were covered. You couldn’t even see the road.

I tried a thing. Salt burns her feet. About a month ago I ordered some doggie boots. She was not having it. She wouldn’t walk with them on. I struggled to get them on her. While she didn’t nip at my hands while I put them on, she wasn’t voluntarily giving me her feet. And then she just stood there statuesque. I called for her at the door but she stood her ground.

I’m glad I had no appointments, no errands to run. It was a lazy day in the household. I played Sims 4 all day long. I was going to read, but nah. I didn’t want to put in any thinking effort. The only effort I made was to eat junk food and drink some cider.

Smile

One of the things that has helped me has been getting out of my home. It started with a college friend insisting that we have dinner. She wasn’t taking no for answer and so I relented. When I got into the car she asked how I was doing and during a hug, the tears came.

Dinner I thought would be horrific because being out in public and the thought I would break down had my anxiety shoot up. But my friend asked for an out of the way booth in the back. And I just talked–did a lot of the talking in fact. It was good to be out…off the couch and not in pajamas.

And that was all it took. I started accepting coffee meetings, lunches and dinner. And it’s Sunday now. And I have been out and about.

The smiles that friends and loved ones had on their faces when I walked through doors or met them was exactly what my heart needs to help me heal.

January 20th

What a beautiful day! What wondrous speeches! How inspiring! And hope for tomorrow!!

Despite the sadness in my life, those speeches! Wow!

Not Even A Week

It hasn’t even been a week since you’ve been gone. I’ve gotten phone calls, texts, posts all in support. And between tears and a little bit of anger, I feel numb. I never understood what was meant when anyone said they felt numb. How do you feel numb? I think I know. There are moments when I just don’t feel anything. Just sit here and stare blankly at the television.

I was telling someone that I freaked out because I couldn’t remember what he smelled like.

I wonder what the fur babies are thinking? Do they know he’s gone? They have been somewhat more clingy lately. But do they know that he’s not coming back? I know he is not. But do I really know? I wake up thinking this is just a dream. And reality sinks in when I stare at the empty side of the bed.

This is a nightmare. And I don’t know if I will ever wake up.

Broken

I have no words right now. I have never felt so broken in my life. I have never felt so alone even though I am surrounded by the love of friends, family and loved one.

I said goodbye to my everything yesterday. He took his last breath in the afternoon.

One minute I’m fine and I think, it was his time to go. My mother said to me “he was a good man and only the good die young”. He was so good. He was so good to me. And I will never feel this kind of love ever again. H was and will always be my everything.

The outpouring of text and phone calls have meant a lot. I feel bad that I don’t communicate more with the condolences. I have just answered with “thank you, it’s appreciated”.

Meeting with the funeral home later today.

Thank you so much for the support you have extended these past couple weeks It means so much. And I feel like I know you all, more than just virtually.