Ummm…what’s wrong with people

I just read the article about a woman being raped by a man on a train, while witnesses either looked away or else allegedly pulled out their phones and filmed it? What the actual hell? I may be small, without muscle, but I certainly would have gotten up and said something. I realize that the perpetrator may have had a gun or some other weapon but my goodness!! This whole “do nothing, say nothing” attitude has to stop! What happened to good samaritans? How about keeping your community safe? This is both infuriating and heartbreaking.

What has become of humanity that we can look the other way while a fellow human being is hurt?

I have no more to say on this subject.

Laugh and Cry

I usually don’t promote movies, shows, music etc on my blog, one because my taste in things varies so widely and two because I don’t know how to truly criticize or write about them succinctly. I could really never write an editorial piece or a real review.

This week, I started binging a show on Netflix called “One Day At A Time”. It’s a reboot of the older show from the late 70s early 90s. It has the same premise, single mother raising two children. However the show comes with the perspective from a Latino family.

The episodes have both made me laugh out loud and then sob within each 30 minute episode. There are coming of age stories for the two children, stories about immigration from the grandmother and the struggles of a single mother working and dealing with PTSD (she’s a veteran). Plus the new version of Schneider is a bit of eye candy.

It’s been a long time since a sit-com has made me both laugh and cry. Unfortunately this one was cancelled by Netflix and only has 4 seasons. However, I like the show enough that I will watch some of them over and over again.

Where Has Time Gone

It isn’t like I was super busy. I did some volunteer work. Raised some money for some very great charities. I had dinner with friends both in restaurants and in their homes. But nothing that kept me away from blogging or reading other posts. Every day I always intend to check in and read my blogger friends diaries and daily thoughts (almost put quotes around friends, but realized that many of you have become friends). But then it was late at night and I hit the bed.

As Matt S. says, “I will do better”.

Hugs

I was once told that if someone hugs you first, don’t be the first to let go. I thought it might be proper etiquette and that’s why you don’t let go until they do. However, I have come to realize that sometimes the hugger may need the hug more than the huggee.

Despite the oncoming pandemic, I have accepted dinner invitations out with friends I haven’t seen in a long time. Yes, precautions were taken. The places we are dining must have outdoor seating and our reservations have to be on the outdoor patio. So there’s that.

Two different friends over the course of a month have extended invitations. One friend in particular whom I haven’t seen since my partner passed hugged me tightly and started crying uncontrollably. She didn’t let go for well over five minutes. People starred. She kept whispering “I’m so sorry that you are going through this…you need us, you need your family and friends and I’m here”. The second friend at a different dinner hugged me tightly and said “I wanted to reach out sooner, I should have, I didn’t know what to say to take the pain away”. And again, she didn’t let go for a very long time.

Yes, I needed the hugs and it was comforting. But I also realized they were also both grieving and needed to resolve their grief. He is so loved. He has many friends. Friends that I should reach out to and ask if they are okay. I miss him so much, probably more today as I make my way through my new journey without him. But I know that his friends are grieving and it’s time I checked on them. They have done a fabulous job of checking on me. I need to return the favor.

Motivation

I can’t seem to get motivated to diet. I attended a church event a couple weeks ago and there were pictures taken and I look overweight. I don’t only look overweight, but I stepped on the scale and about passed out. Where did this weight come from? I know where it came from–chips, wine, beer, Little Deb snack cakes, gummies, and fast food.

My partner and I use to order food from one of those prep places. The foods were Weight Watcher friendly. E was a weight watchers fanatic. And so my weight was controlled. It was easier having someone hold me accountable. Since he passed, the regimen has gone out the door. He did the grocery shopping and bought mostly fruit, veggies and nuts to snack on. I do the grocery shopping and I’m like a kid in a candy store.

I tried the past several weeks to use the WW app. And I do good early in the week and then I start to slip. It’s a little bit of this and little bit of that and soon by Sunday, I’ve eaten everything in sight. Everyone keeps telling not to be so hard on myself, but yikes I don’t like this extra weight. I use the treadmill a lot. I just need to stop eating!!

Okay. Rant over. Whining over. I know I’ll get there. Just need a kick start.

Dreary Cloudy Days

When I took a brief walk this morning, I was instantly brought back to a time in my life when I lived with my cousin in New York City. I was on summer break my sophomore year in college. My cousin was a publisher and convinced my parents that I should get a summer job. He knew of a temp agency that would provide work as needed. I jumped on the opportunity and boarded a plane for New York.

I remember the first assignment the agency gave me. It was a secretarial position (basically a typing pool–like the scene from 9 to 5). A huge room with people just typing documents that were handed to them. I was not typing but stuffing envelopes. Anyway, when I stepped off the subway, it was cloudy and a bit dreary, but hot and humid. I was excited. I loved the smell of the city, the sounds, the feel.

I worked several “assignments” that summer. My favorite was being on the floor at Saks Fifth Avenue. The floor manager wanted to hire me permanently. I thanked her but told her I was just there for the summer and the position should go to someone who would need it more and was staying or living in the city.

Such a fun time in my life. I was more carefree (yet still way in the closet–funny line from Young and Hungry: “you are so far in the closet that you are in Narnia”).

Groundhog Day

Are we headed into another pandemic?

I know that it’s probably divisive to write about it here. But I’m a believer that the masks and the vaccine will help. I don’t see the harm in wearing a mask. I don’t look at it as a political issue. And I don’t know why people think it is an infringement of their freedom. I’m going to use the seatbelt law as an example. In most states, wearing a seatbelt is the law. Going the speed limit is the law. It’s a safety issue and also in some ways restrictive right?

My partner passed away after being admitted to the hospital for covid. He was on the vent. His oxygen levels never got better. He had no underlying health issues. He biked. He jogged. He pretty much watched what he ate. He was careful.

I don’t understand why people don’t think this is real. I get that some don’t trust the vaccine. But what harm comes from having to mask up?

Vacation

We had a memorial for my partner last weekend. It brought up all kinds of memories and difficult sad feelings. I did get through the eulogy, which many people told me was beautiful and on-point. I thought I stuttered through it and broke a few times. I also noticed that I talked about him in the present tense “he is the kindest person I know. he is the love of my life…etc”. I wonder if anyone noticed.

I went on vacation on Sunday. I went to Florida. It was nice to be on vacation. I haven’t gone on a real vacation since forever. It felt good. I hung out with a bunch of friends I’ve known since pre-school or maybe even before that. I just remember these friends always being in my life. In fact I don’t remember a time when they weren’t. Our parents are all friends and so they passed that onto us. We refer to each other as cousins just because it felt good and solidified our relationships. We still introduce ourselves as cousins.

Now, why do we always come back more tired from a vacation than before we left. While I was lying by the pool, I was so relaxed. And now, just exhausted. I shouldn’t be. I slept in…way way way too much. I didn’t do anything. Anything! Well I drank, hung out with friends and ate way too much. Way too much. I’m not getting on the scale for a long time. A long time. I need to get on the treadmill and get a trainer.

Dreams

I just woke up from the strangest dream. It was quite vivid though, sights, sounds, smells, feels…all of that!

In the dream I was on a boat. The boat’s flooring had slits in it, so we could feel the water at our feet, but the boat wasn’t sinking. How I got on the boat or why I was on the boat, I don’t know. There was another guy on the boat. Average looking, but good looking none the less.

The guy was waiting for my answer. He didn’t really speak, but in my mind I knew he was waiting for an answer. The question? “Will you give me your virginity”.

In the dream I remember thinking “if I do this, we can’t go in the water. There will be blood and there are sharks. And sharks can smell blood for thousands of miles”. I then said “yes” and he came to me and as I put my arms around him to kiss him…I woke up.

What in the world? And why? And how? And I didn’t even recognize the guy the in my dream. Never have seen him before. He was a 40 something, with brown hair, about 5’9″, green eyes. Still this dream is stuck in my head. And I’m sure I’ll think about it all day long. BTW, virginity? That shipped has sailed!

Been Awhile

I know I haven’t visited for awhile. I do miss you guys—a lot!

No real excuse. I started the masters in social work program. It takes up most of my time that’s left after I work. I still need my full time job to live, and by live I mean all the adulting stuff like pay bills, eat, and pay more bills. But I’m excited. I love learning. I love exploring. I love opening up my mind and interacting with other students.

I’ve also been planning my partner’s memorial service. Talking with the pastor and his relatives has me emotionally wiped out. Thinking about it, well I always think about him, dredged up some emotions I thought I had already dealt with. But I think I will never truly deal with those emotions. The sadness will always be there, at least the missing him will always be there. I do believe that he is the love of my life and will probably never be replaced in my heart. I know that I will meet someone else. But he’ll always be the love of my life.

Off topic, I think my pup needs to start wearing diapers. She’s 14 and has woken up in the middle of the night and not gotten me up. Last night I woke up cause she jumped off the bed and made a thud sound. I followed her into the guest bathroom where she then squatted and peed. Maybe she was sleep walking, but usually when she has to pee or poop, I get a look or a whine that she wants to go outside. This was the second time this week she did this. One of my friends said put a diaper on her at night. Last night when I walked into the guest bathroom, the look on her face was one of shame/sorrow. As peeved as I was, I told her it was okay, it was only pee and we could wipe it up. I hugged her and she still had this look of sorrow/shame. I also think that she still misses her “real” daddy a lot. The man who adopted/rescued her when she was only a couple months old from the shelter.

To quote Shife, I will do better. I’ll pop in more often and also read your blogs.