Silent Night

One of my favorite songs played at midnight mass is Silent Night. This moment during the service brings tears to my eyes. The lights turned off and candle light set the mood. No instruments, just the beautiful voices of parishioners, young and old, joining in chorus to celebrate this sentimental explanation of what Christmas really means.

Earlier this month, I went to a Christmas concert and one of the songs sung was Let There Be Peace. It was sung sans instrumental accompaniment. The audience was encouraged to join and as I sung along, hearing the lyrics suddenly brought me to tears. The person behind me, must have seen my breakdown because they put their hand on my shoulder and squeezed, keeping it there until the end of the song. I was too embarrassed to see who it was, so I didn’t turn around. However, I appreciated that someone out there still cared enough to reach out and let a stranger know they cared.

If we could just keep this feeling of joy throughout the year, forever, I think the world would be a better place.

May most make a resolution to bring this peace during the new year and for the rest of all time.

The Holiday Season

I use to look forward to the holiday season. When I was a kid, waiting for my relatives to arrive from out of state was so exciting. Watching out the window, hoping each set of headlights was my uncle and aunt’s car. Hoping that the snow would fall on Christmas day because it made the outside lights look so much prettier.  There were 9 days of dinner parties that each of our family friends would throw (each day a part of a novena for the infant Jesus). But I have since grown up and moved away. Many of those childhood friends have moved away too. Our parents still have the dinner parties however and for the few days I am home, I attend them.

As a grown-up, the holidays are somewhat stressful. Gift giving in particular wreaks havoc on my mind! There is a  “tit” for “tat” feeling when I know people are going to give me a gift and I feel like I have to give one back. There’s also the pain of finding the perfect gift. I don’t know what to give any loved one. I have no intuition when it comes to what someone may need materialistically. I have to either hear them say they want something or outright ask them what they want for Christmas. Gift giving is not something intuitive for me. My partner is perfect with this. Anniversaries, birthdays, and those just because gifts. I have never been disappointed in anything he’s given me. He’s observant (will remember something I picked up at a department store, but put back) and there is so much love behind what he picks out for me. I feel like I give boring traditional gifts (clothing–like sweaters and dress shirts. BTW, I gave him a sweater last year and on the news the other day, the anchor woman said that sweaters were one of the number one items returned or exchanged…Yikes).  Stepping into the stores during this season too…lets not get started.

However, there’s Christmas music. And that makes me happy. I have my car radio set to a station that plays Christmas music 24 hours a day. So driving to and from work, I bop along and smile. So despite the stress, there is a silver lining.

And there’s the look on my parter’s face as he watches me open his carefully wrapped present (he can’t wrap worth anything). His smile is priceless and that’s all the gift I need.

For Lonely Souls

I read a blog post tonight that made me realize that the world can be a lonely place. It made me think about how blessed I am have both mental and physical health. It made me realize that through my family, my partner and friends, I have a support system. There are people who love me and would do anything in the world for me.

I understand that mental health issues, particularly depression, can take a person to places where they feel there is no coming back. There have been loved ones in my life who have lost that battle with depression. I still wonder why. I wonder if there was something I could have done to have stopped it. In one particular case, at the funeral of friend, one visitor said “he seemed happier than he ever had when he left the office”. This comment was met with the reply,  “well maybe he knew his troubles were going to over because he was going to go through with those plans”. My instinct was to scream at them “you just  worked with him, you didn’t know him”. But then again, did I really know him? I never thought he would have done this to himself. I had no inkling.

One of my professors described depression as being under water (this was from something she either read or from a patient’s point of view). She said the depressed person knows they need to swim to the top and break through to get some air. But there’s always a current that pushes against them. We were told that don’t assume a person doesn’t want to get better, that it’s a struggle they fight daily. And were reminded that the mere strength to keep going can be burdensome, but the fact that they struggle to keep going shows some sort of mental strength.

For anyone struggling to get air, to swim to the top, please keep swimming. Know that there are family and friends who will do what it takes to get you where you need to be, where you want to be. Mostly, understand that you are not alone.

 

Where Did It Go

I had thought I written and published a new post. I can almost swear I hit publish and even viewed it being published.

I guess it’s just out there floating in blog land.

Oh where or where did it go?????

Happy Thanksgiving

I wanted to take some time to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

Urspo had written a post about how people worry that one would be alone on Thanksgiving day or not have a Thanksgiving meal. I thought about it and while it is a holiday, why we don’t worry about our loved ones or those we care about eating alone or not having a meal any other day. Anyway, the day or the sentiment truly should be about gratitude.

And there are many things that I am grateful for. One of the many is the love and support that I first received here in the blogosphere. The many readers and comments I have received along the way was better than any therapy I would have gotten. Knowing there were others out there who are normal and also lead the now humdrum life I lead help create the paths I took to come out. You guys became my family despite the fact that we have never met in person. And I would look forward to meeting any one of you.

Of course for my immediate family who have shown me what love is and also taught me how to love. While I thought they would be the most harsh about my being gay, they didn’t once flinch (well perhaps the parents shifted uncomfortably). And they have remained by my side.

There is so much to be grateful for and I could write an endless list.

TV Shows and Reality

One of my guilty pleasures is the show This Is Us. If you watch the show and aren’t caught up, stop reading. I just watched the most recent episode and I may reveal an ending you didn’t want to know.

In the current episode, one of the main characters is showing early signs of dementia. And my thoughts are, what if I end up that way. Will my partner take care of me? Will he throw me back at my siblings or nephews and nieces? I know that I would take care of him.

I have made provisions for him. I made my family promise that if anything happened to me, he would never be alone. He has one sibling, no nephews or nieces. I worry constantly that if something happened to me, he would end up alone.

I think about things like this when I see the happy endings on these shows (granted This Is Us isn’t always a happy ending, but the family makes it work).  BTW, the show never fails to make me cry.

My partner is my world. I don’t want him to ever be alone. And I hope that my family always welcomes him into their homes. I hope there will always be a happy ending.

My HumDrum Life

I haven’t written in awhile because really I don’t have a lot to write about. My life can be described as ordinary. I have a partner that loves me. We have our healthy fur babies. We watch our favorite shows on certain nights and drink our favorite wine. We argue about little things and also big things. We apologize differently. I talk his ear off regarding why I’m sorry. He makes me breakfast in bed or buys a bag of my favorite candy (gummy cola bears or Swedish Fish). I am an extrovert, he is an introvert.
When I started this blog so many years ago, I was just coming out of the closet. And I longed for this life. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to sit on the couch and binge watch a series. And I wanted to be out and not have to pretend anymore. This was the life that while closeted I found exciting. This life is now ordinary.

Binging

I recently binged a series on Netflix called “Eastsiders”. The show was originally a web series, but is available on Netflix. It’s really well written and I was able to binge it over a two day period. The episodes are short, but packed with amazing conversation and of course drama. The storyline follows a gay couple through their ups and downs.

I theorize and may be wrong, but I think the reason many of us have fumbled through relationships is because we never got to “binge” on our own love life. At least for my generation, the gays were shunned and our lifestyle was wrong. I was extremely closeted. I grew up as part of a generation that thought it wrong to be gay. While my friends got to fall in and out of love, I sat on the sidelines watching them navigate through their emotions. They learned what worked and what didn’t. I thought I would never get the chance to do the same.

Coming out later in life, I eventually did fall in and out of love. I am now in a long term relationship. I’m still navigating and I’m still fumbling. But I wonder how much better I could be had I had all that “practice”.

Busy Busy Busy

The holidays are always a busy time for me. And between November and January, time seems to fly by quickly. Every time I wanted to sit down and write about my day, my week or even my hour, the day was literally over and I didn’t get any of my other tasks finished. Eating, bathing, feeding the animals and paying attention to my partner takes precedence over screen time.

One of my most memorable moments happened some time after Thanksgiving. I was at a function when an acquaintance asked me how my Thanksgiving celebration went. I replied “I ate too much turkey, too much stuffing and too much pecan pie, watched too much football and spent too much time on the couch”. She replied “like a true American Thanksgiving”. I didn’t know how to take it. My ethnicity is Asian. Maybe I was being over sensitive, the way I am when people ask “where are you really from”. It starts with “where are you from” and I reply “here”. And then the question is followed up with “before you moved here”. I say “oh from West Virginia” and then the follow-up is “before there”. I say “oh well New Jersey”. Again, that’s followed up with “before there”. Once being a smart ass, I said “oh well I was born in Jersey, so before there my mother’s womb”.

Anyway, I have missed blogging. I have missed the blogs that I read and follow. And I hope everyone had a happy holiday.

NOT FOR SALE

So I was told by a long time follower of my blog that when they click on my name, it says my blog is for sale.

Well, it’s not. I am here to stay. I will always open that window to let the fresh air in…and hopefully bring some joy to those who read this blog.