For Lonely Souls

I read a blog post tonight that made me realize that the world can be a lonely place. It made me think about how blessed I am have both mental and physical health. It made me realize that through my family, my partner and friends, I have a support system. There are people who love me and would do anything in the world for me.

I understand that mental health issues, particularly depression, can take a person to places where they feel there is no coming back. There have been loved ones in my life who have lost that battle with depression. I still wonder why. I wonder if there was something I could have done to have stopped it. In one particular case, at the funeral of friend, one visitor said “he seemed happier than he ever had when he left the office”. This comment was met with the reply,  “well maybe he knew his troubles were going to over because he was going to go through with those plans”. My instinct was to scream at them “you just  worked with him, you didn’t know him”. But then again, did I really know him? I never thought he would have done this to himself. I had no inkling.

One of my professors described depression as being under water (this was from something she either read or from a patient’s point of view). She said the depressed person knows they need to swim to the top and break through to get some air. But there’s always a current that pushes against them. We were told that don’t assume a person doesn’t want to get better, that it’s a struggle they fight daily. And were reminded that the mere strength to keep going can be burdensome, but the fact that they struggle to keep going shows some sort of mental strength.

For anyone struggling to get air, to swim to the top, please keep swimming. Know that there are family and friends who will do what it takes to get you where you need to be, where you want to be. Mostly, understand that you are not alone.

 

Where Did It Go

I had thought I written and published a new post. I can almost swear I hit publish and even viewed it being published.

I guess it’s just out there floating in blog land.

Oh where or where did it go?????

Happy Thanksgiving

I wanted to take some time to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

Urspo had written a post about how people worry that one would be alone on Thanksgiving day or not have a Thanksgiving meal. I thought about it and while it is a holiday, why we don’t worry about our loved ones or those we care about eating alone or not having a meal any other day. Anyway, the day or the sentiment truly should be about gratitude.

And there are many things that I am grateful for. One of the many is the love and support that I first received here in the blogosphere. The many readers and comments I have received along the way was better than any therapy I would have gotten. Knowing there were others out there who are normal and also lead the now humdrum life I lead help create the paths I took to come out. You guys became my family despite the fact that we have never met in person. And I would look forward to meeting any one of you.

Of course for my immediate family who have shown me what love is and also taught me how to love. While I thought they would be the most harsh about my being gay, they didn’t once flinch (well perhaps the parents shifted uncomfortably). And they have remained by my side.

There is so much to be grateful for and I could write an endless list.

TV Shows and Reality

One of my guilty pleasures is the show This Is Us. If you watch the show and aren’t caught up, stop reading. I just watched the most recent episode and I may reveal an ending you didn’t want to know.

In the current episode, one of the main characters is showing early signs of dementia. And my thoughts are, what if I end up that way. Will my partner take care of me? Will he throw me back at my siblings or nephews and nieces? I know that I would take care of him.

I have made provisions for him. I made my family promise that if anything happened to me, he would never be alone. He has one sibling, no nephews or nieces. I worry constantly that if something happened to me, he would end up alone.

I think about things like this when I see the happy endings on these shows (granted This Is Us isn’t always a happy ending, but the family makes it work).  BTW, the show never fails to make me cry.

My partner is my world. I don’t want him to ever be alone. And I hope that my family always welcomes him into their homes. I hope there will always be a happy ending.

My HumDrum Life

I haven’t written in awhile because really I don’t have a lot to write about. My life can be described as ordinary. I have a partner that loves me. We have our healthy fur babies. We watch our favorite shows on certain nights and drink our favorite wine. We argue about little things and also big things. We apologize differently. I talk his ear off regarding why I’m sorry. He makes me breakfast in bed or buys a bag of my favorite candy (gummy cola bears or Swedish Fish). I am an extrovert, he is an introvert.
When I started this blog so many years ago, I was just coming out of the closet. And I longed for this life. I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to sit on the couch and binge watch a series. And I wanted to be out and not have to pretend anymore. This was the life that while closeted I found exciting. This life is now ordinary.

Binging

I recently binged a series on Netflix called “Eastsiders”. The show was originally a web series, but is available on Netflix. It’s really well written and I was able to binge it over a two day period. The episodes are short, but packed with amazing conversation and of course drama. The storyline follows a gay couple through their ups and downs.

I theorize and may be wrong, but I think the reason many of us have fumbled through relationships is because we never got to “binge” on our own love life. At least for my generation, the gays were shunned and our lifestyle was wrong. I was extremely closeted. I grew up as part of a generation that thought it wrong to be gay. While my friends got to fall in and out of love, I sat on the sidelines watching them navigate through their emotions. They learned what worked and what didn’t. I thought I would never get the chance to do the same.

Coming out later in life, I eventually did fall in and out of love. I am now in a long term relationship. I’m still navigating and I’m still fumbling. But I wonder how much better I could be had I had all that “practice”.

Busy Busy Busy

The holidays are always a busy time for me. And between November and January, time seems to fly by quickly. Every time I wanted to sit down and write about my day, my week or even my hour, the day was literally over and I didn’t get any of my other tasks finished. Eating, bathing, feeding the animals and paying attention to my partner takes precedence over screen time.

One of my most memorable moments happened some time after Thanksgiving. I was at a function when an acquaintance asked me how my Thanksgiving celebration went. I replied “I ate too much turkey, too much stuffing and too much pecan pie, watched too much football and spent too much time on the couch”. She replied “like a true American Thanksgiving”. I didn’t know how to take it. My ethnicity is Asian. Maybe I was being over sensitive, the way I am when people ask “where are you really from”. It starts with “where are you from” and I reply “here”. And then the question is followed up with “before you moved here”. I say “oh from West Virginia” and then the follow-up is “before there”. I say “oh well New Jersey”. Again, that’s followed up with “before there”. Once being a smart ass, I said “oh well I was born in Jersey, so before there my mother’s womb”.

Anyway, I have missed blogging. I have missed the blogs that I read and follow. And I hope everyone had a happy holiday.

NOT FOR SALE

So I was told by a long time follower of my blog that when they click on my name, it says my blog is for sale.

Well, it’s not. I am here to stay. I will always open that window to let the fresh air in…and hopefully bring some joy to those who read this blog.

Now Where Did October Go

October was more busy for me than September. There were reunions with childhood friends, tons of activities on the weekends and of course lots of work.

There was also the dreams of winning one of the biggest lotteries in history. I day dreamed that I would help many friends and family members. I dreamed that I would do what I loved. I would love to be a talk show host. I know I would be a fun one. I wouldn’t ask the tough questions, but in my experience if you can get someone to feel comfortable with you, they will talk anyway. I have been told I have that gift. However, just cause you have tons of money, doesn’t mean a network will give you a time slot. I think I would just keep the job that I have now. I don’t love it, but I understand it. And I do believe that I am good at it.

I didn’t win the lottery. But I did dream a lot…

October

Where did September go? And where is my autumn weather?

I am not sure where September went. I don’t even remember most of the month. Is this what happens as one gets older? Do we just forget most events in our lives and let time slip away?

This weekend some of my childhood friends and I will be reuniting. I don’t feel like I have accomplished as much as they have. Comparison is futile though right? Success is based on one’s perspective correct? I become a different person around this set of friends. I once again become that person who hides my feelings. These friends sensed early on that I was gay and teased me mercilessly. But no one outside the group was allowed to call me gay. No one outside the group was allowed to give me the side eye. It was a double edged sword. I got teased, but was protected. Don’t get me wrong, these guys would do anything in the world for me. And yet…hard to explain the way I feel when I am around them.

I look forward to this reunion…but I don’t.