March 1, 2015
I am sitting in a coffee shop, it’s rainy outside, everyone else is on their laptop and a John Mayer song is playing. What a mood right? The consolation is that it isn’t snowing. I’ve grown tired of the snow and maybe it is age, but it truly has played with my nerves, creating an unpleasant person.
I have a friend who goes into a funk during the winter time. He isn’t as active and becomes quite reclusive during this time of year. I recall studying this in psychiatry class (seasonal affective disorder). He takes Vitamin D and leaves for a cruise in early February. The cruise always “cures” this ailment, its a 360 turn around when he steps off the plane. Perhaps I am also affected by this, just not diagnosed (not as severe though). And I don’t mean to poke fun at it, but I do notice that my mood is terrible. My motivation isn’t affected and I need to leave the house on days like this (as opposed to those who want to curl up under a blanket in front of a fire and sip wine or cocoa–although that would be nice if a partner were involved). I think in my mind it’s more “you shouldn’t leave the house” that causes my desire to do so.
But I am enjoying this rain as it melts the “dirty” piles of snow which have been shoved into corners and the end of driveways and walkways. When snow first falls, its beautiful, turning forests and garden into sculptured wonderlands. And then sometimes turns it gray and filthy.
Okay, I’ve gotta stop as I realize I am brining everyone else down into my mood funk…
February 19, 2015
For Lent, I thought I would truly do something for myself–and give up one form of social media (the really popular one where friends connect with friends–dare I mention it, less I get millions of hits). I chose to give up social media because I spend way too much time on it. I first joined to “keep in touch” with my friends. However, I think I now know more than enough. I know their ups,downs, their political and religious views, what their kids are doing, what their friends are doing etc…etc..etc… And it has gotten to the point where I wonder where my friends are if they don’t post, if they don’t let me know that they are eating chicken for dinner. After work, and even while at the gym, I stop to check people’s status.
So far, so good. I do have the urge to check though…but I am going to force myself to get through the forty days.
I will however continue to write here, as it is therapeutic!!
February 13, 2015
While I still don’t subscribe to the celebration of Valentines, I do find it cute and get giddy when I hear the way my in-love friends spend the day. I am not bitter or hateful and tell them that the holiday is silly, after all someone might find my absolute love for the Christmas season quite obnoxious and pagan. So to each their own.
I have been quite busy this month. With my department down an employee a huge load/burden has been placed on me and my fellow employees. This is my excuse for not writing in a timely manner. And every time I feel I have got the chance, I either plop down in front of the tv to watch a DVR’d show I have fallen behind on, or I just fall asleep.
Lately I have been thinking about the idiocy of our fascination with celebrities. These are people that many of us will never meet, and yet we are intrigued by their very lives. Take for instance the former Olympian turned reality star. While I applaud his decision to final live as a transgender, do we really need to know the very details? On the one hand I think it important for everyone to have highly visible role models. However, how about his privacy. It must be extremely difficult to go through this under a microscope. And you can arguably state that he chose the public eye, but once there, could he truly escape it?
I don’t think I would have the strength to live under the scrutiny of a very opinionated public. The pressure would be too much. I would have ended up shaving my head under this pressure.
January 30, 2015
I was eating dinner with my folks tonight in one of the newer restaurants in town. When I got my dish, I thought to myself “these scallops are a bit overdone and rubbery”. I have always been afraid to send something back. We have all seen or heard horror stories about the way food is treated once it gets sent back. I had even asked my Dad to taste the scallop to which he also voiced the “over done and rubbery” opinion.
When the waiter came by and asked how everything was, I replied “everything is good”. I am not sure why I said it. I don’t feel I am helping the chef out by complimenting something I truly felt was not even “good”. I would not have sent it back and by that time I was tired and just wanted to go home. It had been a long day at work and I still had a homework assignment to work on for my masters in public health.
Why are we so afraid to tell the truth at times, and we tell the little white lie? I understand that a white lie may be necessary in delicate situations, like telling a kid that their painting is the pretties one you’ve ever seen, telling a bride on her wedding day that she is beautiful in the camo printed bridal gown, or telling someone that their new hairstyle suits them perfectly. However, i think in a service oriented industry, the service will only get better if we do offer the truth.
January 21, 2015
I took a break from running for awhile. Actually, I took a very long break. I haven’t run in so long. Trying to run after a break is not like riding a bike. It was painful. This time last year I was running around 5 miles every day. And trying again, well lets just say it was a huge fail.
So I am starting over again. I learned to run using this app, that over a course of weeks got me to the point of running 5k. I downloaded the app that in a few weeks will have me running a 10k. In the course of a few days I am feeling better again. And I am beginning to enjoy it again.
January 9, 2015
Two of my favorite childhood stories are Pinocchio and Dumbo. There is a song from Dumbo that I distinctly remember my Mom singing during the movie. When I was younger, Sunday night had the Disney shows. I felt so sad when the other animals picked on Dumbo, all because he was different. I don’t recall thinking that his ears were all that bad or that they made him stand out. I believe that even back then, I empathized because I knew I was different and therefore didn’t look for differences but how “outcasts” could assimilate into their community. The lyrics “those same people who scold you, what they’d give just for the right to hold you”, today reminds me of all my friends. Each one of my friends has a particular unique characteristic that has endeared them to me. And when I see someone hurt them or toss them aside, I think, if you only knew what I knew, you would love them too.
Pinocchio just wanted to be a “real” boy. As I mature, I think what I really want most is acceptance. Acceptance for who I am and not what I am. I am proud to be gay. And I have accepted that this particular genetic component can’t be fixed with psychiatric therapy. I would like people to think it is as natural has my dark brown and in the winter time black hair. I want them to realize that as soon as the doctor screamed out “it’s a boy”, that I was already destined to be a gay man. I want them to believe that I’m a REAL boy.
January 3, 2015
While out and about today, I head Kelly Clarkson’s song “Because of You”, and while I liked the song and the lyrics, something about hearing it today made me reapply the lyrics to my life. The particular lyrics “I never strayed too far from the sidewalk”, hit a bit of a nerve. Suddenly I was brought back to college, high school and grade school. I thought about how I stayed in the closet, never exploring anything about myself, never venturing to let that side of me show.
It’s sad that we allow our environment and peers, loved ones and friends to drive how we act and appear. I know the climate for gays is changing. I see it with the way my nieces and nephews, younger cousins and relatives interact with their friends. I hear about the charities and clubs they support and in their political discussions. It’s nice and I’m so proud of the way they act and their perception of equality and right and wrong.
It’s hard to walk in someone else’s shoes. And you can give advice, but you cannot truly understand what each person goes through. The only thing you can do is offer a shoulder to lean on. That is what support is truly about. Understanding may be relative. Each person with their own journey. For Clarkson, those lyrics may have a complete different meaning, directed at someone, something, or a different issue. For me, it was basically society as a whole.
December 23, 2014
How do you know when you have entered the friend zone? I am a chicken. I am too afraid to have the conversation because I’m afraid he’ll pull away and I will lose the friendship. It’s fear of rejection. I’ve had that fear all my life. Fear of coming out of the closet because of the repercussions that may result. Fear of intimacy and of opening up.
I feel like this person likes me. I know that we get along and think the same way. We like the same food, enjoy one another’s company and have conversations that last forever. Our first dinner together lasted 5 hours–non-stop conversation. Many of our meals last that long. And yet, neither one of us have made a move. I need some sound advice. None of my friends know what to think.
I do not want to lose the friendship, more than anything else, I cherish this friendship more than I have any other friendship for a long time. Not that anyone’s friendship means less to me. I hope I am making myself clear, in an over dramatic manner. You get my drift.
Maybe I’m feeling this way because I’m watching “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Sappy and comical movie. Maybe the title has already explained the answer I’m looking for.
December 16, 2014
One of my friends was telling me about how depression sets in when the days are shorter. I’ve read about this disorder during my psychiatry classes in medical school. It must be awful to have your emotions controlled by the “weather”. I can’t imagine this, I can’t imagine depression for that matter. I know it’s real and people struggle with it. I have lost loved ones to depression and it is heavy on my heart to think that there was nothing I could have done to help them.
My friend told him that just a few days of sunshine helps him tremendously. He usually takes a week off sometime during the winter and goes somewhere tropical. That little trip will do wonders for his psyche. Even though I don’t suffer from depression, I also get a lift out of sunshine–or maybe it is just being on vacation.
I wish there was more I could do for my buddy. I offered to go away with him for a couple days of sunshine.
To all those suffering from depression, please get help.
December 12, 2014
I love the Christmas season. I am one person who wants to decorate, who loves the 24 hour music played by the radio station.
For some reason this year, the decorations are still boxed. I haven’t bought a new Christmas tree. And the music, well, sometimes it’s on the station, but most of the time I listen to The Morning Jolt with Larry Flick. Not that The Jolt is a bad thing, in fact it is the station I normally listen to. The descriptive word being NORMAL. This time last year I was listening to the holiday station. I had already watched the Little Drummer Boy several times and at least one Christmas special.
I am not in a funk. I am not angry or hurt. I ma not really sure what it is. But I do need a little Christmas, right this very minute.