Dreams

I just woke up from the strangest dream. It was quite vivid though, sights, sounds, smells, feels…all of that!

In the dream I was on a boat. The boat’s flooring had slits in it, so we could feel the water at our feet, but the boat wasn’t sinking. How I got on the boat or why I was on the boat, I don’t know. There was another guy on the boat. Average looking, but good looking none the less.

The guy was waiting for my answer. He didn’t really speak, but in my mind I knew he was waiting for an answer. The question? “Will you give me your virginity”.

In the dream I remember thinking “if I do this, we can’t go in the water. There will be blood and there are sharks. And sharks can smell blood for thousands of miles”. I then said “yes” and he came to me and as I put my arms around him to kiss him…I woke up.

What in the world? And why? And how? And I didn’t even recognize the guy the in my dream. Never have seen him before. He was a 40 something, with brown hair, about 5’9″, green eyes. Still this dream is stuck in my head. And I’m sure I’ll think about it all day long. BTW, virginity? That shipped has sailed!

Been Awhile

I know I haven’t visited for awhile. I do miss you guys—a lot!

No real excuse. I started the masters in social work program. It takes up most of my time that’s left after I work. I still need my full time job to live, and by live I mean all the adulting stuff like pay bills, eat, and pay more bills. But I’m excited. I love learning. I love exploring. I love opening up my mind and interacting with other students.

I’ve also been planning my partner’s memorial service. Talking with the pastor and his relatives has me emotionally wiped out. Thinking about it, well I always think about him, dredged up some emotions I thought I had already dealt with. But I think I will never truly deal with those emotions. The sadness will always be there, at least the missing him will always be there. I do believe that he is the love of my life and will probably never be replaced in my heart. I know that I will meet someone else. But he’ll always be the love of my life.

Off topic, I think my pup needs to start wearing diapers. She’s 14 and has woken up in the middle of the night and not gotten me up. Last night I woke up cause she jumped off the bed and made a thud sound. I followed her into the guest bathroom where she then squatted and peed. Maybe she was sleep walking, but usually when she has to pee or poop, I get a look or a whine that she wants to go outside. This was the second time this week she did this. One of my friends said put a diaper on her at night. Last night when I walked into the guest bathroom, the look on her face was one of shame/sorrow. As peeved as I was, I told her it was okay, it was only pee and we could wipe it up. I hugged her and she still had this look of sorrow/shame. I also think that she still misses her “real” daddy a lot. The man who adopted/rescued her when she was only a couple months old from the shelter.

To quote Shife, I will do better. I’ll pop in more often and also read your blogs.

Casual Conversation

My church has recently opened itself up to in person service. During the pandemic, they used zoom and FaceBook live for services.

I have missed going to church and seeing my church family. And the last couple weeks have been a blessing both spiritually and personally. I’m a social extrovert by nature. I love being around people. I flourish in social settings.

The last few weeks, parishioners have expressed their condolences for my loss and tell me how much they miss my partner. Although they have sent cards and letters, letting me know in person that they’ve been thinking about me has been conversation. One friend said “I don’t see you two as separate, I see you as one person”. She meant it as a compliment, but it made me ache. He and I both were involved in many church activities.

When they ask how I’m doing, I reply “I’m hanging in there, taking it one day at a time”. What I want to say, but I don’t is that “I’m broken. I ache. I miss him so much that some days it’s unbearable”. I want to say “I wish I could scream out loud without someone thinking I am crazy”. But I don’t think most people, in a casual conversation want to hear this. When they ask “how are you doing”, do they really want an itemized list, or just the expected “I’m fine, how are you”.

So Shines A Good Deed

One of my favorite quotes from the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is “So shines a good deed in a weary world”. Gene Wilder had his back turned to Charlie when the boy placed the everlasting gobstopper beside him (indicating that he would not sell out to Slugsworth).

I would be remiss if I didn’t write about the passing of a fellow blogger, Anne Marie. When a text came in from a friend, I was shocked. Neither of us could believe it. We had to make sure the news was true, that it wasn’t misread. Like many other fellow bloggers, I will truly miss her.

When I started blogging again, to write about my grief over losing a partner, she would comment with small pep talks, just a few simple words of encouragement. That small deed, her simple notes letting me know to hang on, felt like hugs. The words were sincere, and I could feel the sincerity and the love behind them.

I leave you with some of her advice “dance like nobody is watching”.

Rest In Peace Anne Marie. You are loved and will be remembered.

Every Day

I still think of my partner every day. When the pets act up, I want to pick up the phone and send him a text telling him in detail that they are misbehaving. I want to tell him about how they are doing, what they are doing and that our babies are having a good day.

I had a dream about him yesterday. In the dream, my cousins were going out to eat and I told him I was going to go with him. He said “how are you going to pay”? I replied that I would borrow money (not sure why I didn’t have money to go out to eat–but I digress). In the dream he said that he would take care of it. And then we fooled around a bit. I woke up with a sense that he would always watch over me, look out for me and with a sense of how much he cared.

I was talking with one of our friends on Sunday. He told me that he sometimes forgets that they can’t text one another, until he reaches for his phone and then remembers. We realized it would be like that for a long time, if not forever.

I ate at a new restaurant this week. And as I was browsing the menu, I thought to myself “you would not like that or that…but you would get this and make me try a piece”.

I think of him every day. And I miss him more now than he first passed away.

Dreams

On most days, as I wake up, I can vividly recall my dreams. But the time I walk my pup, brush my teeth and shower, the dreams are forgotten and I can’t remember the content of my dreams.

Sometimes something will trigger the complete memory of the dream and I’ll remember once again in vivid detail.

Lately I’ve been dreaming about my medical school classmates. And when I see them, they are usually wearing the same style of clothes that there were when we were in school. Very odd. Last night I dreamed I was in an airport with some of these classmates and as I interacted with them, my realtor was watching from afar. Bizarre. Other times I just dream I’m interacting with them.

I wonder if these are tied to the fact that I’ve been thinking about getting another master’s degree. I’m a life long learner and love being in school.

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions

I keep my visions to myself.

Well it’s only me

Who wants to wrap around your dreams

And have you any dreams you’d like to sell

Dreams of loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad

In the stillness of remembering what you had

And what you lost

What you had

And what you lost

The Corrs

Airing Dirty Laundy

What does one hope to accomplish by airing their dirty laundry on social media?

I have friends who use passive aggression on their pages to vent their anger towards other friends or their spouses. I don’t think that this accomplishes anything. In fact, if I were the target of those posts, it would make a situation worse for me. I’m the type of person who needs the sit down talk, face to face between myself and the wrong doer or in some cases (because I’m such a good friend…LOL) the person I’ve wronged.

I watch a lot of Bravo TV, a lot of reality shows and these “friends” (yes I put that in quotation marks) like to fight in front of the camera. It makes for great television. But are they really friends once the cameras leave. Do they hang out when the season is over? Some of the arguments they get into are enough to sever friendships. And yet in the next episode they are sailing on yachts together.

In most real life situations, I think friends work things out without bringing the rest of the world into the mix. At least the friends I have resolve our differences that way.

Spring Showers Bring May Flowers

And May flowers have brought on severe allergies. Shew!!

This whole weekend was just one allergy attack. I couldn’t breathe on Saturday, which then exacerbated my anxiety. I seriously kept thinking I’m gonna die and sweetie I’m coming to join you. And then other thoughts went through my mind. “who’s gonna tell your sister to come and get the pets”?

I digress. Seriously. My allergies are out of control. The news here in Columbus keeps telling us that the pollen count is bad. And I can see the green stuff all over my car and balcony.

Hope everyone else is fairing well. Have a great week! May the 4th be with you!

Mall Food Courts

When I was younger, the food court was the place to hang out. Sittng with your friends (cause you really didn’t have money to shop) sharing a plate of fries (Boardwalk Fries–when they just specialized in fries) or a pizza was the thing to do on a Saturday afternoon. Those of us who grew up in the 80s can remember when the mall was the place to hang out. It’s immortalized in many scenes from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and other 80’s flicks.

As I finished up some errands, I thought I’m going to get some quick food (that isn’t fast food–mall court food is kinda of fast food though if you think about it). So I stopped by our local mall and decided on some fried rice and general tsaos chicken. Big mistake! Big!

The gastric explosions that followed about half an hour later and lasted for the next couple hours told me that I shouldn’t have. My poor pup too. So some may have “accidentally” fallen into her mouth. My partner use to tell me time and time again, don’t give her food from the table. So I will swear that the food accidentally fell off the table. She had the same gastric problems and her’s lasted awhile too. Luckily she let know when she had to go–and it was with urgent yelps of “no time to put the leash on, lets go now”.

Lesson learned. I haven’t eaten in a food court in forever and it will be forever till I eat in one again.

Snow?

Yes, when I woke up on Wednesday morning there was snow on the ground. And yes it was pretty. But really?

I do enjoy a good winters day. But not when I want it to be spring.

When I moved to Ohio, friends who had lived here for years said to me “you can expect days when all four seasons occur within a 24 period”. They were not kidding.

I think it threw my poor pup off. Lynn was beside herself. She didn’t know what to make of it. It’s not that she hasn’t seen the snow before (14 years old), I think she wasn’t expecting it. She had a “really this mess” look on her face as she searched for a place to do her business.

But like true Ohio weather, by the afternoon the snow was almost all melted. We got a bunch of it too, I would say about 3 inches? I know it came up to Lynn’s knees.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish everyone a happy weekend!