A Little Love

July 7, 2020

Today I took Anne Marie’s advice and “Danced like Nobody was Watching”.

This afternoon I was preparing dinner for my partner and I. He was still on his way home. I asked the device named Alexa to play some 80s music. She complied and the song “Put A Little Love In Your Heart” by the Eurythmics came on. My feet started tapping along and before I knew it, I was swinging my hips. And it felt good, really good. My dog sat up and stared. I believe she picked up the vibe and started swaying too. I looked at my reflection in a window and I looked good. In reality, I bet I more or less mirrored Phoebe Buffay from the Friends episode where she tried to seduce Chandler Bing (on YouTube look up Phoebe-Maybe i´ll dance for you).

And then the song started to fade, so I walked back to the kitchen…wait for it…the next song that came on was “Things Can Only Get Better” by Howard Jones. I had to keep dancing. My dog followed suit and wildly wagging her tail.

This dancing did wonders for my soul. I’m downloading both songs. I will dance again tomorrow. I may even add singing along to my routine.

Our New Normal

July 3, 2020

The city I live in has mandated wearing masks while in public. Mind you, I have been wearing masks since the day my office made the decision to work from home. I just felt it was safer for me and safer for the people who come near me. I don’t mind wearing it.

I am not sure what all the hub-bub about wearing them is all about. I don’t get why people are so angry. I don’t think it is a big deal. Statistics show that wearing them can prevent the spread of the virus. If other countries are flattening the curve because their citizens are wearing a mask, I think perhaps we can also follow suit.

I went to get a haircut today. The whole process was so different. In a place that usually sits 8, there was only 3 customers in the whole salon. There were 4 stylists, and the one who wasn’t “styling” was checking in customers waiting in the parking lot.

Some other new normals? My partner and I haven’t eaten out in quite awhile. We recently (about two weeks ago) started eating in places that have outdoor seating. For our Friday date nights, we mostly order in. While not romantic, it is romantic (even with our pup begging for a bite). The commute is convenient and we can also have as much wine as we want without consequences.

One of our friends returned from a trip to the beach. He never wears a mask (posted selfies of himself on said beach sans mask) and does not believe that the virus is real. But yet, he does believe because of some unfounded article that he is protected from the virus dues to his genetics and age. He asked if he could come over tonight to have some drinks on the balcony. My partner told him he would have to wait three or four weeks before he came over. He angrily told us we were buying into the hype.

Well our household not only bought into the hype, but put a stake in it.

 

 

 

 

Time To Write Again

June 27, 2020

I have been struggling with the whole pandemic. By nature I am a social person. I love interacting with my co-workers, love going to restaurants with my partner and with friends.

Since mid March, my whole department has been working from home. We were told it was temporary. And at first I embraced the quiet and loved the webex meetings. I loved having my dog and cats with me all day. Let’s not forget the short  “commute”. I still dressed up (wearing a tie, dress pants and shoes). And then a couple weeks into the work from home, one co-worker said “why are you still dressing up”. I looked at everyone else who had since donned ball caps, t-shirts and five-o’clock shadows. So I tossed aside the ties, wore shorts, and t-shirts (although our company logo ones).

It’s almost July and I’m grateful that I still am working full time. Many people aren’t so lucky. But I miss seeing my co-workers face to face. And I tell them this every time we have staff webex meetings. My words are always appreciated and I’ve been told it makes them feel a sense of camaraderie. We always end with the statement “we are in this together”.

I can’t wait till this is over and even if it’s an air hug or air high-five, can’t wait to be in the presence of all my co-workers.

 

Sometimes People Suck, But Another Person’s Bright Light Makes Up For It

February 23, 2020

I was eating a meal at a fast food place when I overheard a parent berating their child. Apparently the sin this kid committed was double dipping fries in a shared sauce. The kid was told that as soon as he gets complimented, the “parent” (yes I am using quotes cause this man is by no definition a parent except biologically) has to take it back. He proceeded to tell the kid that he was a bad boy. He then turned to the other son and said “we should just drop him off at his mothers house cause he’s getting on my nerves”.

I get so worked up over the bullying that occurs in our school system. But there’s the abuse that goes on in homes as well.

Enough of that…now for some bright light. During a church service, some of the graduating seniors spoke about their gratitude for a tight knit community. They spoke about the influences of the other adults and how navigating through life was made easier by knowing they had a place to go. It warmed my soul and made me realize that a genuine “how are you doing” and interest in someone can make all the difference. These seniors/young adults grew up before my very eyes.

I realize that environment is everything and can make or break a person. I am forever grateful for the safe, loving, compassionate environment my parents have provided for me and continue to provide. I am grateful for the friends who have cushioned my falls and listened patiently while I poured out my soul. And I am grateful for having found my soul mate who thinks my quirks are endearing. I only hope that everyone finds that safe place where they can blossom.

Mini Rants

February 11, 2020

I have a hard time coming up with topics to blog about. The authors of the blogs I mostly read are talented story tellers or comics who can eloquently spin a tale. I feel mine are just mini rants.

Recently my partner bought a new car. He was held up at the dealership and texted that he was waiting for them to put the all weather floor mats down.

This made me wonder, why do dealerships sell cars without the floor mats. Two years ago when I bought my car, there were no floor mats and I had to go to an auto shop to buy mine. I was certainly not going to pay the almost 200 dollars for the brand name all weather mats the car dealership sold.

Anyway, mini rant over.

Silent Night

December 26, 2019

One of my favorite songs played at midnight mass is Silent Night. This moment during the service brings tears to my eyes. The lights turned off and candle light set the mood. No instruments, just the beautiful voices of parishioners, young and old, joining in chorus to celebrate this sentimental explanation of what Christmas really means.

Earlier this month, I went to a Christmas concert and one of the songs sung was Let There Be Peace. It was sung sans instrumental accompaniment. The audience was encouraged to join and as I sung along, hearing the lyrics suddenly brought me to tears. The person behind me, must have seen my breakdown because they put their hand on my shoulder and squeezed, keeping it there until the end of the song. I was too embarrassed to see who it was, so I didn’t turn around. However, I appreciated that someone out there still cared enough to reach out and let a stranger know they cared.

If we could just keep this feeling of joy throughout the year, forever, I think the world would be a better place.

May most make a resolution to bring this peace during the new year and for the rest of all time.

The Holiday Season

December 13, 2019

I use to look forward to the holiday season. When I was a kid, waiting for my relatives to arrive from out of state was so exciting. Watching out the window, hoping each set of headlights was my uncle and aunt’s car. Hoping that the snow would fall on Christmas day because it made the outside lights look so much prettier.  There were 9 days of dinner parties that each of our family friends would throw (each day a part of a novena for the infant Jesus). But I have since grown up and moved away. Many of those childhood friends have moved away too. Our parents still have the dinner parties however and for the few days I am home, I attend them.

As a grown-up, the holidays are somewhat stressful. Gift giving in particular wreaks havoc on my mind! There is a  “tit” for “tat” feeling when I know people are going to give me a gift and I feel like I have to give one back. There’s also the pain of finding the perfect gift. I don’t know what to give any loved one. I have no intuition when it comes to what someone may need materialistically. I have to either hear them say they want something or outright ask them what they want for Christmas. Gift giving is not something intuitive for me. My partner is perfect with this. Anniversaries, birthdays, and those just because gifts. I have never been disappointed in anything he’s given me. He’s observant (will remember something I picked up at a department store, but put back) and there is so much love behind what he picks out for me. I feel like I give boring traditional gifts (clothing–like sweaters and dress shirts. BTW, I gave him a sweater last year and on the news the other day, the anchor woman said that sweaters were one of the number one items returned or exchanged…Yikes).  Stepping into the stores during this season too…lets not get started.

However, there’s Christmas music. And that makes me happy. I have my car radio set to a station that plays Christmas music 24 hours a day. So driving to and from work, I bop along and smile. So despite the stress, there is a silver lining.

And there’s the look on my parter’s face as he watches me open his carefully wrapped present (he can’t wrap worth anything). His smile is priceless and that’s all the gift I need.

For Lonely Souls

December 6, 2019

I read a blog post tonight that made me realize that the world can be a lonely place. It made me think about how blessed I am have both mental and physical health. It made me realize that through my family, my partner and friends, I have a support system. There are people who love me and would do anything in the world for me.

I understand that mental health issues, particularly depression, can take a person to places where they feel there is no coming back. There have been loved ones in my life who have lost that battle with depression. I still wonder why. I wonder if there was something I could have done to have stopped it. In one particular case, at the funeral of friend, one visitor said “he seemed happier than he ever had when he left the office”. This comment was met with the reply,  “well maybe he knew his troubles were going to over because he was going to go through with those plans”. My instinct was to scream at them “you just  worked with him, you didn’t know him”. But then again, did I really know him? I never thought he would have done this to himself. I had no inkling.

One of my professors described depression as being under water (this was from something she either read or from a patient’s point of view). She said the depressed person knows they need to swim to the top and break through to get some air. But there’s always a current that pushes against them. We were told that don’t assume a person doesn’t want to get better, that it’s a struggle they fight daily. And were reminded that the mere strength to keep going can be burdensome, but the fact that they struggle to keep going shows some sort of mental strength.

For anyone struggling to get air, to swim to the top, please keep swimming. Know that there are family and friends who will do what it takes to get you where you need to be, where you want to be. Mostly, understand that you are not alone.

 

Where Did It Go

December 5, 2019

I had thought I written and published a new post. I can almost swear I hit publish and even viewed it being published.

I guess it’s just out there floating in blog land.

Oh where or where did it go?????

Happy Thanksgiving

November 28, 2019

I wanted to take some time to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

Urspo had written a post about how people worry that one would be alone on Thanksgiving day or not have a Thanksgiving meal. I thought about it and while it is a holiday, why we don’t worry about our loved ones or those we care about eating alone or not having a meal any other day. Anyway, the day or the sentiment truly should be about gratitude.

And there are many things that I am grateful for. One of the many is the love and support that I first received here in the blogosphere. The many readers and comments I have received along the way was better than any therapy I would have gotten. Knowing there were others out there who are normal and also lead the now humdrum life I lead help create the paths I took to come out. You guys became my family despite the fact that we have never met in person. And I would look forward to meeting any one of you.

Of course for my immediate family who have shown me what love is and also taught me how to love. While I thought they would be the most harsh about my being gay, they didn’t once flinch (well perhaps the parents shifted uncomfortably). And they have remained by my side.

There is so much to be grateful for and I could write an endless list.